If the World was just a few hundred feet in diameter.

I think it is difficult to think of anything as vast as the Universe, or indeed as small as a sub atomic particle, we don't operate in those  enormous, or incredibly tiny Worlds.

Our own planet so enormous  it's hard to envisage or imagine how we can protect it.

But imagine  the World was  only a few hundred yards in diameter floating a few feet above  a field somewhere, I wonder if we would think about it differently? 

It would be the  biggest and most intriguing "Wonder of the World " and we would guard it with our lives!

I suspect we would be in absolute awe of it, it's oceans and mountains, forests and lakes.

We would fiercely protect it and nurture it, and people would come from all over this planet just to look at it.

To marvel at it's colours and perfumes, its winds and snow, and rain and even it's storms.

We would be in awe of the diversity of it's people, their cultures and their languages, their skills and their laughter.We would know that each one played their part in the intricate web.

We would know that this World needs so  much diversity in its  people,  it's nurturers and carers , gardeners,  entrepreneurs, scholars, planners, builders, artists dreamers,

We would be amazed by all the myriad  of  different living creatures that we could see, and never tire of gazing at them.

We would guard this amazing globe  with such a passion, because we would know how incredibly rare and precious it was.

We would grieve for every animal that died or became extinct, we would fight for every human being that was a part of it's wonders,

And we would be horrified to see any conflict or wars among it's peoples , knowing how fragile this wonder was, and how easily damaged. We would be shocked  if any group of people tried to subjugate another group, or an individual , especially because of their own unique and irreplaceable part.

We would hardly be able to believe the layers of fluffy clouds around it, and the varying seasons and climates.The richness of the rain forests ,the barren expanse of deserts.

We would stay up all night just to watch the sunrise and sunset upon it, and we would  even dream about it when we finally slept! 

We would feel honoured and humbled to be the custodians of such a wonder.

If only it were a few hundred feet in diameter floating above a field somewhere.

Sue Cox - diary of a recovered catholic: So lets add the MAIL to that list of abusers! It s...

Sue Cox - diary of a recovered catholic: So lets add the MAIL to that list of abusers! It s...: So lets add the MAIL to that list of abusers! It seems they have quoted Professor Dawkins very much out of context, making headline news out...

So lets add the MAIL to that list of abusers! It seems they have quoted Professor Dawkins very much out of context, making headline news out of a misinterpreted comment from  his book "The God Delusion" several years ago. Hardly hot news!
It is very interesting that it was also the MAIL which recently tried to do  a very unpleasant hatchet job on the very honourable, and award winning child abuse lawyer David Greenwood, curiously to coincide with his award for child abuse work and the high court ruling which he instigated, clearly making it a rule  that the catholic church has liability in the case of St.Williams school where at least 150 boys were abused. This ruling will  very much help the cause of vicarious responsibility which  any thinking person knows is the only way to go. There is no doubt that each institution should take it's share of responsibilities for it's crimes, but the organisation who employs them, and whos regimes they follow to the letter,  - the catholic church is the main culprit, and should be brought to book. That would not be a ruling that they will  have relished!
 Now I am not big on conspiracy theories, but it does seem  like the Daily Mail is intent on stirring up  this battle,in any emotive salacious way they can,  although why anyone would want to be on the side of this narcissistic abusive  force for evil I cannot imagine, but then I look at who they get their quotes from- members of Opus Dei and  Anne bloody Widdecombe, and all becomes clearer.

Sue Cox - diary of a recovered catholic: Please Professor Dawkins tell me you have been mis...

Sue Cox - diary of a recovered catholic: Please Professor Dawkins tell me you have been mis...: Please Professor Dawkins tell me you have been misquoted! The life of a clergy sexual abuse survivor seems, at times, to be one long battl...

Please Professor Dawkins tell me you have been misquoted!
The life of a clergy sexual abuse survivor seems, at times, to be one long battle!  It is nothing but a constant a pain in the ass for  survivors of clergy abuse to   have to fight 'ignorance" There is so much of it, and we seem to spend a lot of energy actually even defending ourselves, despite being the wronged party.   
One of the commonest and  most awful "side effects" of childhood sexual abuse is "hyper-vigilance" -Trust mechanisms are so impaired that we are either overly wary of others,  or trust inappropriately, but rarely get it right. And the one thing that survivors of clergy abuse fear most is further abuse! Hardly surprising when further abuse is usually what we face!
We are called liars, accused of having "false memories" personality disorders, etc etc, and then we face further abuse with  the church's determination to discredit us and anyone who would destroy their narcissistic desire to save face at all costs.We become "collateral damage" and then even when a case against them is proved beyond question, we face years of legal wrangling, every delaying tactic, every loophole they can muster up.Then we get to watch as pedophile priests hide behind their office and canon law and escape any kind of real justice, thanks to a church that protects them. 
We withstand many stupid comments like  "It was a long time ago" "can''t you put it behind you?" "Can't you learn to forgive?" "You must have asked for it"! "the church does so much good, you should forget about the small issues"  and on and on..
When we rebuff the half hearted, lip service grudging "apologies" we are seen as ungrateful and are once again abused!
We accept as unfortunately necessary that we will need to talk graphically about the very disgusting things that happened to us and still haunt us, and the ensuing "images" that people must have in their minds when they think of us.
We know that sometimes we are used to further other peoples agendas, a convenient hook to hang their own battles on,  and we accept that as part of the package of having spoken out.
But what is infinitely worse is when we feel we have to defend ourselves against comments by someone who we have perceived as an"ally"!
I refer, of course, to the reported comments of Richard Dawkins who "allegedly" said that the catholic church's teaching of hell to children was " worse than child clergy sexual abuse," which he supposedly described as  being  "a bit yuckie"!
Now I have met Richard Dawkins on a number of occasions, I share his beliefs in evolution and atheism, and in fact have shared a platform with him, and I have never found him to be a stupid man. Detached perhaps, a little "other planetish",  acerbic maybe  and single minded, but certainly not stupid.
So can I really believe that he would make such an ill informed  and profoundly stupid  remark?
He is a scientist, and so surely he would understand the current knowledge and neuroscience  research which shows how childhood sexual abuse causes lifelong damage? The Harvard research into the permanent brain damage caused , UCLA research which shows the implication to longevity and shortened life expectancy for abuse victims, and the Mc Gill University research which demonstrates that child abuse victims suffer damage to their immune and metabolic systems as well as damage to various brain regions., that childhood trauma causes damage at the level of  someones DNA?
Would he really consider that to be "a bit yuckie"?
I have to examine this, to start with, because  I must really really hope  and prefer to believe, that he has been "misquoted" or his comments taken out of context.
A distinct possibility I am sure, especially when you look at where it is coming from! The fiercely right wing  MAIL which is not famous for it's unbiased reporting or passing up on a chance to use anyone to further a witch hunt. Not the most reliable or compassionate of sources.
And then I  have to look at who they asked to comment further! They chose that  rampant papist, the  increasingly ridiculous Anne Widdecombe (currently appearing in pantomime which says it all) who said that " bringing up children in the church which is such a "force for good"  can't be compared to abuse" .
Anne Widdecombe who has never brought up any children, was not actually  brought up in the fear filled superstitious  indoctrination of catholicism, but adopted that religion in later life , who  has, I very much suspect, never been raped,( and certainly not by a fat smelly drunken priest who was considered  " next to god")
Now I have no illusions about the church's brainwashing and bullshit, having been subjected to it myself. In fact I would wholeheartedly agree that the very culture that it has created and fiercely defends,  fosters the environment which is ripe for abuse. Most of the abuse survivors I know have also had the abuse of the catholic indoctrination!
The Hell Fire and Damnation culture, ruled by fear and  where practically everything but breathing is considered sinful is, I believe, itself child abuse. Where the priest was on a pedestal, and a "blessing every time he crossed your doorstep"Where I was asked to pray for a cousin to die because he was about  to marry a divorcee, and it was considered better that he should die rather than live in sin, where I was given as much  self esteem as a worm, where I was even told to "pray" for the priest who raped me.
  Some of the appalling attitudes and superstitions I was asked to swallow were themselves the stuff that "disturbed brains" were made of, and there is no doubt in my mind that as research grows and we continue to learn more and more about the effects of trauma imposed on children, that  kind of fear-filled indoctrination cultivated by that organisation  will no doubt be shown to also cause profound physiological damage.
But to give these things a "hierarchy " is stupid. As stupid as saying that the holocaust was not as bad as the Nazi regime, to compare these things in this way is just quite stupid. 
Now I don't need any more disillusion! I grew up with this catholic poison being force fed me on a daily basis. it took me years and years to shake off those shackles, and even longer to be able to talk about my abuses at the hands of a catholic priest.To get over finding that everything I had been force fed was indeed poison, and to be so disillusioned that I may easily have joined those other victims, of whom there are many, who found their "a bit yuckie" experience too much to bear and so committed suicide. 
So please please  tell me, Professor Dawkins that you were misquoted, that you are not going to do exactly what you accuse the church of doing by disregarding vulnerable   human beings and sacrificing them at the alter of   " point scoring" , to join that  list of abusers that continue to make us fight- for our lives in so many instances.
If you have been misquoted, as I sincerely hope, then I urge you to join me in putting that record straight, before it does irreparable damage to our cause for justice. I hope that you are  incensed enough do so.
If not then please know that you have hurt and offended me, and people like me, who have enough battles going on without the need to add another. Ignorance that could set our cause back even further and play right into the hands of the church which continues to abuse us.

Jimmy Saviles"papal knighthood"

An Open letter regarding the removal of Jimmy Savile's "papal knighthood"

Dear Sirs,
It is with a wry, arched eyebrow that I read that Vincent Nichols has decided to write to Rome to ask that the papal knighthood be removed for Jimmy Savile and that in response

Frederico Lombardi has come out condeming his crimes, suggesting that all victims of abuse come forward. 

The eyebrow in question was easily raised particularly because from dealings  with both Nichols and Lombardi ,we have found them both  quite  cynically predictable and slimy,  and I know that they both do a great line in "deflection" Lombardi even suggested that we all "join forces to fight pornography in other churches". 

Said eyebrow moves a little higher when I read that the great Tory Papist Lord Patten has said that the BBC needs to tell the truth and face up to the truth about itself in relation to the Savile scandal. The same Lord Patten who at the time of the papal visit said that any meetings between ratzinger and (carefully selected) abuse survivors would need to be carried out in private for obvious reasons?

As one of the founders of Survivors Voice Europe, an organisation of empowerment for survivors of clergy abuse, I cannot help but think that from the vatican perspective, this prolific sex offender, all his allies and cohorts and anyone that allowed the crimes to happen through the BBC are, to coin a phrase, manna from heaven! For the church the focus can be taken off their centuries of international child abuse crimes, their enabling, cover-ups and their evasion behind the so called sanctity of canon law – crimes that are still going on.

One might ask why I feel compelled to write about this but the correlations between the BBC and the catholic church are too close for comfort.  The impervious, arrogant, narcissistic flagrancy of the abusers, all protected because in both the church and the bbc case, the ‘bella figura’ of their public image far outweighs the value of a child’s life and potential. Institutional abuse, collusion and an overwhelmingly well-fed sense of their own importance – not much to choose between either of them!  It feels like the "knighthood " was given from one pedophile ring to another. What next - beatification?

Nichols – I suggest you are ill-placed to have any commentary on how this situation should pan out.  For our organisation and for me personally anything you have to say will only be seen as a gleeful deflection of your own organisations persistent, ongoing crimes. When you and your church have tidied up the filth in your own back garden, then perhaps you may find humility, empathy, compassion and congruence enough to have an opinion.  I suggest that rather than obsequiously write to rome to ask for an honour to be removed, you write to your pope and demand that the lessons and experiences coming out of this contemporary, sickening scandal help to educate the catholic church about how they can start to deal with their own disease and corruption.

Sending in the meantime our kindest, warmest thoughts to survivors of abuse everywhere with particular attention to those of us who had the crimes compounded by the institutional cover up and neglect that ensued.

Sue Cox 

Survivors Voice Europe

 

The season of grief

Today I feel like shit, it is nothing that anyone can do, nothing indeed that I can do, it is just one of those days when the thick unpenetrable armour that I usually wear must be in the wash! Everything around me seems sad, every overly sentimental song or Christmas stuff in the shops every reference to anything vaguely emotional is like a knife in my heart. it is like every pain I have ever felt is on the surface again. and that knife keeps twisting.

I am not given to sentimentality,I don’t do “new age stares” or maudlin  stories, I don’t even do soft and gentle!  the reason being that I cannot bear it! I would not be able to function, so the armour stays put!

It is of course Autumn, and as a practitioner of Chinese medicine I know that it is seen as the season of  grief, the mist and the leaves falling off the trees all around,everything starting to die, and the time when people seem to be always reflecting.That doesn’t ever help! 

I grieve for my son, for my childhood , for my peace of mind,for what might have been,  remembering the abuses, the hardships, the violence,the loneliness,  immersed once again in pain.

It WILL pass, it always does, and later today the armour will be dried and ironed and back on me! And I  won’t shed a tear, I won’t show any emotion, I will have dry eyes and  the tough exterior I prefer to be visible, and I will get busy! 

All will be as normal. 

Until the next time.

Twisting the knife

It would be very easy for every survivor-focused organisation to jump on the very unpalatable and horrific bandwagon that is the Jimmy Savile/BBC et al saga to highlight their particular cause – I am sure they all will, and so will we! It is vital to  use such a high profile case to spotlight the real issues. But as a charity focused specifically on survivors of the most prolific of all child abuse cover-ups in history across the globe, we think it right to take a more global view on what this saga represents for our society.
 
We were struck by the alleged random comment from one of the many names involved in Operation Yewtree that because this particular story had captured the interest of the public they needed to do something about it?  
 
What we fail to understand is why the systematic abuse and cover up by the catholic church fails to capture the interest of the public – but more importantly why so much time, effort and obviously money will be put into a full enquiry about a tinpot presenter who during his lifetime had he been found out would have been pursued by our legal system.  Why is there no enquiry or like Enda Kenny, a clear, definitive standpoint about other child abuses, thousands of them, by the catholic church who institutionally enable, collude and cover up their crimes all under the banner of the sanctity of canon law?  
 
We feel a sense of dark connection to all survivors of abuse and can empathise with the obvious disgust that Savile’s victims may well be feeling to know that so many so called professionals including nurses and colleagues are coming out of the woodwork, wringing their hands saying that they were aware of the rumours, some even allegedly witnessing these abuses and doing nothing to report it or stop it.  It is galling to realize that as a survivor you have been sacrificial, unimportant in the face of the greater good – in our case the holiness of the church, and if it is to be believed, in Jimmy Savile’s case his ‘great charitable work’. Such flagrant psychopathic, predators rely on an aura of arrogant imperviousness and as a country we should hang our heads in shame for allowing such people to remain untouchable.  
 
At what point are we going to say that a child’s life and potential is more important than money, than politics, than religion, than the reputation of so-called celebrities, than charities – surely a child’s life has to be the most important thing on our planet today. What could possibly be more important? 

Because Savile was well known, this case has garnered national attention but it is important to remember that childhood sexual abuse is widespread,and impacts on thousands of peoples lives every day.Thats why shedding a light on this issue is crucial.    
We call on our Government, on all churches, on the police, on the British public on anyone who believes that what they are reading about in the press is the tip of an iceberg of covered up abuses across the spectrum of institutions.  We ask that a full enquiry be had, as much money if not more to be put into investigating the list of crimes against children that are systematically negated, ignored, covered up and shoved under the carpet, especially by institutions that hide behind their self-created canon law, their diplomatic immunity and any other such ‘get out of jail free’ cards.  We demand that all our political and global representatives take a unified standpoint on the rights of children across the world, that no child’s potential be taken away by the failure of the adult world to protect them from these ‘hiding in the open’ criminals – and it is a failure of all societies starting with the first time an adult hears or witnesses these abuses and closes the door on it, preferring not to be involved.  And we call upon anyone, anywhere who is aware of child abuses to come forward, be brave and report it. Maybe then, when enough people come out it will then be big enough to capture our attention and therefore somebody will take a stand and do something about all the rest.
 
For us the latest revelations are not about whether he did it or not, whether he should be stripped of his title, whether the BBC covered it up (although we have our thoughts) or whether anyone else was involved – for us this sadly highlights the deep flaws in a society that is suddenly outraged as oppose to having an inherent almost biological sense that these criminals are allowed to carry out their travesties on children and get away with it. We know that paedophiles live in our midst, we know that there is no place for them in our society, we understand that they are flawed but that does not mean that we have to accept, allow, collude and enable their deviancies.  Neither does it mean that because ,in our case ,they wore a black cassock and a dog collar and are seen as "next to god" that they are above the law.  

We send our sincerest, empathic, kindest thoughts to all survivors of abuse but here specifically those of us who had the crime compounded by the snivelling, cowardly accomplices that allowed the criminals to get away with their crimes and the pathologically self-absorbed institutions who gave these perpetrators fodder for their predelictions all behind the safety and arrogantly locked closed doors. 

And from a personal perspective. The overiding legacy for me of being sexually abused by a priest , and then not cared for, was  a profound feeling of being "Unworthy of concern,""Insignificant", and "Sacrificial" That default position was further compounded for all of us by the church's lack of compassion and appalling disregard of survivors of their pedophile clergy.This is a life sentence. Made worse by various governments,who have ignored  our decades of screams  for an independant inquiry into the handling of these crimes, and have faced denial,been blamed,  been lied to, belittled, called liars, manipulated and completely disregarded.

I do hope that the BBC and our Government makes good on their promise to hold an "immediate inquiry" into Savile's crimes,and the culture which enabled them, and I am pleased for his victims that their abuses are being taken seriously.

 

But as they do that, know that unless they give the same attention to ALL of these crimes they are twisting that knife further into our hearts and putting  catholic clergy abuse survivors right back into feeling exactly what we have always been made to feel- abused again, and "Unworthy of concern", "Insignificant" and Sacrificial"

ALL child abuse is a crime against humanity

 The truth about Jimmy Saville has shocked the nation as he emerges as a prolific sexual predator, who preyed on young girls for decades. And it is indeed shocking! Absolutely appalling that his crimes were never reported and that so many people were damaged. 
But I do have to wonder - why the hell does it take the deviations of a weirdo "celebrity" to send shock waves across the country? 
Why the hell isn't the entire world  shocked by the behaviour of catholic priests who not only committed  these  same crimes, but did  it in the guise of being "next to God" It seems the country has not been quite so appalled by the thousands who have suffered at their hands.

This is not to detract from the horrors of Saville and his cronies, there is no such thing as a "worse" abuse, ALL sexual abuse of children is a crime against humanity. But why do we scream in horror at this particular pedophile, and yet disregard the sharks in dog collars, hiding behind canon law?  In this the BBC has an appalling record , and have always been known to be very selective in their coverage of these crimes. They hardly reported the twenty-thousand people who marched in protest of the pope's visit in 2010. They even appointed Chris Patton, with his  direct line to the vatican as DG!

Mark Williams Thomas programme about Saville did a fabulous job at exposing this creep, and indeed Mark has shown himself  always to be very much on the side of the survivors of these crimes. He would NOT however,  have been given the support to produce such a programme by the BBC!  

 No longer can they sit in that ivory tower and decide what the general public should or should not see or hear! They have shown themselves to have a lot to answer for by disregarding Saville and others' behaviour. 

Self appointed children's champion Esther Rantzen's display of wringing of hands and tears was only surpassed by her monumentally stupid comment that "even" the pope thought Saville was ok!!!  Well I am quite bloody sure Hitler thought Himmler  was a good chap too! Ratzinger really is no criteria! The fact that she then went on to admit her collusion, that she and others knew what was happening!  begs the question what actually are her motives  as the founder of childline? The cynic in me might think that it is a lot about ego, and very little about children.

This is an appalling time, and as the shocking details emerge, and there will no doubt be more of them, I can only hope that it will at last open the eyes of everyone to the other victims of abuse, to  spare a  thought for the thousands upon thousands of catholic clergy abuse survivors who are fighting daily for the  acknowledgment of the crimes  against them, and who would be delighted to be treated with the same  respect and  sympathy given to Saville's victims.
It is timed we held a mirror up to ourselves as a society and STOP colluding with these criminals, and  the enablers  who cover up for them,  or "turn a blind eye" They are equally guilty. 
 Please stand and be counted for ALL children who have suffered at the hands of these greedy selfish criminals. And please know that at  the side of some of the clergy, even Saville's disgusting reign  pales almost into insignificance.

Rest In Peace

I have just read the report of the nephew of Jimmy Saville who says he is "disgusted" that people could come out and talk about their abuses by Saville after he is dead, and "not here to defend himself"
Echos of my own experience here. I was told by a cousin that it was "despicable" to speak about my abuses when the people concerned weren't there to "defend" themselves! In my case the priest who abused me and my Mother who refused to deal with it.
This is complete ignorance.
Ignorance of childhood sexual abuse is one of our biggest hurdles, stupid people who simply have no clue what exactly this experience does to a human being's ability to cope, to talk about it, to even stop feeling ashamed of it, despite being the wronged party.It is precisely this ignorance that makes victims less likely to come forward, they know that the church especially does a nice line in "victim blame" and  it would appear that the same ignorance pervades elsewhere.
Firstly lets be clear- the IS no defence for these crimes. But don't we all wish these people were still around to face the consequence of their actions. The power they have to instil fear into their over their victims to "keep quiet" is a common feature of pedophiles.
In my case, a perverted sense of loyalty meant that I could not have talked about it while at least my Mother was alive.I was far too afraid!
What I think in their  ignorance, they are also  trying to say is that these people should be allowed to "Rest in Peace"
Rest in Peace!  I wish I could have had some bloody peace! I wish I could have lived my life without nightmares and damage, without fear and guilt.
Rest in Peace! I am quite sure the children who have been so defiled have never, nor can ever completely have any peace!
I also sincerely  hope the rest of the people who colluded with Saville, as well as the catholic church which is also a  great "enabler" don't ever get to "Rest in Peace", until they acknowledge the crime against humanity that childhood sexual abuse is, and begin to make amends to all those they have harmed.

Some people are just meant to be on the outside!

Some people are just meant to be on the "outside"! 

For most of my adult life, I have been looking for a place to belong, I have always felt somewhat "homesick" although for what I couldn't say.I always envied people who knew exactly who they were, where they came from, where they fitted in to the grand scheme. My abuses as a child made me alienated from society in the most cruel way, having to keep dark secrets and not having anyone to talk to about it furthered my sense of isolation. I had, I imagine, already experienced "abandonment" issues, having been adopted  at an age apparently when that would happen,  the adoption was  a strange "private" one, and  wasn't handled well. Adopted into a fiercely superstitious catholic family,with hell fire and damnation our every day agenda, and then sexually abused by a priest ( one of those who are "next to god") Further compounded my despair, and the downward spiral of self destruct was set in motion. 

I didn't belong in the family, but I didn't belong outside of it, I didn't belong in the church, nor outside it. I became a permanent "outsider"  And that pattern continued , being a small part of many things, but never totally belonging. In schools, in work, In college, in my profession, always half in half out.

I joined many organisations, many communities, I suspect always looking for that "home" and after a while, often unrealistically disillusioned ,I moved on to the next one. 

I eventually met some "blood" relations, very nice people, but I didn't have any connection with them, I didn't belong back there either. 

I am an atheist, but I have a sense of connection with Buddhist practice.I have a degree in Chinese medicine, but I prefer a scientific explanation.

I make  a lot of friends but rarely get close to people. 

I am a person who has a foot in so many camps, but doesn't really belong to any of them.

And now I have suddenly realised that all of that os OK!  Being on the "outside"  on the sidelines is not a bad place to be! 

As Spike Milligan famously once said "Everybody has to be somewhere!" and this is where I am.

Being a little outside of things can be really useful, it means that sometimes I can help, without having to get involved with politics, and other peoples issues, It means that sometimes I can be of help in a lot of different areas, perhaps in a small way, rather than only being effective in one area.

It means that sometimes I can be a bridge from one world to another.

It means that I can be a small part of a lot of things, rather than a big part of a small thing.

It means that I can be a small part of a lot of peoples lives, and have a lot of people being a small part of mine.

It means that I can sometimes see the broader picture instead of being bogged down with the immediate crisis.

These aren't attributes, these are things that have come about through my own adversity and alienation, and have allowed me to survive.

So  when I am feeling "homesick"  I have two slogans  pinned up near my desk to remind me 

       One says

"Breathe-You are alive"!

      And the other says

"I have arrived - I am HOME!"

Sue Cox - diary of a recovered catholic: Could there BE anything worse?

Sue Cox - diary of a recovered catholic: Could there BE anything worse?: I am reeling today from a shock to my system!  This morning's work  was to gather more research to further demonstrate  the severity of brai...

Could there BE anything worse?

I am reeling today from a shock to my system!  This morning's work  was to gather more research to further demonstrate  the severity of brain damage to clergy sexual abuse  survivors, largely to add to  our workshop "Brains Bombs and Baddies ".  
We know a quite lot about the physiology of brain damage already, but we never sit back or rest on our laurels, always seeking more information and  knowledge. So papers from Harvard and UCA were todays job .

Can  there be a worse shock than finding out that you have  sustained severe  brain damage? You would think not. To know that your brain has been permanently physically changed by someone else's criminal behaviour. That  distorted life paths were  an inevitability, and so the damage would be compounded by further damage . Facts that we have been aware of for some time now , and  which have  been part of my work, and a passion that has grown out of my own study of brain science, while  trying  to make sense of the effects of my abuses on my own mental and emotional health, recognising  the physiology of  my addictions, self harming, eating disorder, problems with forming relationships, low self worth, trusting etc. etc. My drive has been to learn and understand as much as possible about it,and help  inform  others of  the severity of abuse, sick and tired of it being trivialised and dismissed.

But  yes ,there is worse! Even worse! And that is the knowledge that because of my distorted life path, because of my poor choices and unskilled behaviour, I have passed  brain damage on to my children! The fact that they have witnessed so much domestic violence, harsh words and  hardship, has caused that damage to be perpetuated into  the next generation .

What a cruel fact to learn, and what a lot of tears I have shed. Of course it could be said that I  couldn't help it, and intellectually I know that to be true, but emotionally I am distraught, to think that  not only was I abused, but my children were too. How much worse could it be.

I am not sure if I am glad I know this, would I have been better with ignorance of these facts? Well, right now I think the answer is Yes, I can't stop crying!

But I know when I calm down a bit and think this through , my belief has always been that knowledge is power, and if I don't know the facts I can't make a proper judgement.Without knowing the nature of the beast it is hard to deal with it, either nurture or fight it. 

And the facts are what were always kept from us,our ignorance  and  vulnerability what the church relied upon , so we need to know the truth, and more than that we need for other people to know it too.

But right now, I need to lick my wounds and  try and think if there is anything good that I was able to pass on to my children? And can we  stop that  cycle of destruction.

How dare those bastards do this to innocent children? How dare they duck out of their responsibilities? How dare they patronise, trivialise and dismiss? What kind of people are not ashamed of these facts? What kind of people can stand by and disregard them still? The kind of people that  have ridden roughshod over human beings for far too long. 

Brains and Mindfulness.

I was at a lecture during "Think Week " in Oxford in February. The committee had very kindly nominated Survivors Voice Europe as their chosen charity, a great honour for us. It was even better because I was able to go to many of the talks, and the dinners,  and I met some wonderful people , heard some inspiring talks. This particular one I had to admit, I was looking forward to, it included a professor of neuroscience, and I have a particular passion for neuroscience, especially since I have learned so much, vicariously from my colleague Kim, himself a dedicated neuroscientist. I am in awe of the human brain, and have been privileged to teach  some of the neuroscience of addiction, in my "day job" Learning about the brain has answered many questions for me.

The debate  was quite up there with all the other inspirational talks, but there was one "bug" that spoiled it for me , and that was the neuroscience professor herself, who although being very knowledgable, was also  quite dismissive  about some things she clearly had a "beef" with. Specifically, for me, was her dismissal (complete  with wiggly fingered inverted commas) of "Mindfulness" . It would appear that she thought it a silly concept, much  overused, and was quite scathing. I was so disappointed, not with mindfulness, but with her! 

I guess she has never needed any kind of tools to help her make sense of the World around her, and I am pleased for her that she has not. I think it is very easy if someone has had a relatively "normal" life, has not had their education interrupted or  destroyed by trauma, who has had  good role models, or parents , teachers who have helped them learn the necessary life skills, who's life path has  not been distorted, their brains damaged  to be dismissive of these seemingly naive approaches. But for those of us who have not been so lucky, who  have often spent our lives trying to find a way through , unskilled and with a huge burden,  we have been grateful for many little snippets of wisdom, from whatever source.

There are lots of things that have helped me along the very rocky road to recovery, some I have discarded, having no further use for them, some,  on closer inspection, have not fitted in with my beliefs, Some I have taken bits of, and left the rest behind, some I have mixed opinions about, some I have found to be even damaging, and  some  I wouldn't touch with the proverbial bargepole!

I make no excuses for the fact that learning "Mindfulness,"  has been something that has helped me  enormously, and along with meditation, is still a source of refuge in my sometimes troubled mind. Leaving any "religious" connotation out of it, mindfulness meditation  has been shown categorically to be able to calm down an agitated limbic system and improve cognition. 

Have no doubt, I am a died in the wool atheist, I have no belief in any deity,and nothing I have seen in my 65 years has changed my mind,if anything it is reinforced on a daily basis,  I do see the garden as beautiful without the need for fairies at the bottom of it, but in order to  live in some sort of peace, to be able to function in the World, and not having the skills myself,  I have borrowed some of the skills that I have been given by my addict friends, my Buddhist friends (actually Buddhists are atheists too! ) other abuse survivors, and anyone who is showing me their altruism by simply trying to do the next right thing. I have always been more impressed by actions rather than words, no matter how clever they may seem.  

When most of my life was spent either  having dreadful nightmares about the past, or fears for the future, the concept of learning to live in the "present moment " and practice loving kindness has been a life saving gift. 

It has taken me a while to think about  this, I was disturbed and wondered why I actually felt "belittled",  it is only now, when something else came up to remind me that I was able to articulate what I had felt. 

I am still in awe of science, the workings of the human brain, and its power, but thankfully now I  am also able to see the beauty of other human beings helping each other and not dismissing anything that has helped them survive.

A Long time ago, I went with my husband to a large  art exhibition.(My husband is an artist) There were lots of artists there, many dealers and suppliers etc. One of the prominant groups was the “foot and mouth” painters, they were all doing just that, painting either with their feet or mouths.They had a variety of disabilities, some had no arms, or no legs others had neither. I was absolutely in awe of them, and I have to admit that their bravery and obvious humour brought tears to our eyes. There was not a hint of self pity.

I stood behind one beautiful young lady who had no limbs, who was propped up on her seat and was frantically painting with the brush in her mouth.I saw that her neck  muscles were incredibly taught, and well developed and actually looked quite painful.

I asked her “does your neck get very stiff and painful?” She said “Yes a does! i have a massage on my neck every day, because I have to do everything with it so I need to keep it supple and it helps a lot” She was smiling and telling me this in a very matter of fact way.

I said (through my silly tears) “I think you are incredibly brave”. and she then turned around and said (laughing!)   “ No I am not, I just have to work with what I have got!

What a lesson! what a profound bit of wisdom!  “I just have to work with what I have got “ Theres no doubt that we all have damage to a lesser or greater degree. And we all have the tendency sometimes to bewail our losses and limitations.Loss of our childhood, self esteem, ability to form relationships, fear  guilt etc. Some can be fixed, with work and some simply can not!

But I hope next time I feel sorry for myself, I will remember that I just have to work with what I’ve got! (and make the best of it!)

On days like these

Sometimes it is much easier to keep on talking about the positive side of recovery, rather than dwell on the difficulties. I try and think about the good bits most of the time, but occasionally the downside, the "defects" in me are evident, and I have to look at them. I wonder if it is a bad thing only to talk about the "Happy Ribena berry " days when actually that may not help anyone who is going through the "darkness" ?
I guess we are all different, we are not clones, but I do know there are some similarities that a lot of clergy abuse survivors have in common,and have told me about, and that I absolutely identify with.
The issue that I am thinking of at the moment is how my "trust" mechanisms are, for want of a better word, buggered! I am conscious that I can either trust people implicitly, and get very very hurt, or I don't trust them at all, in which case I can alienate people. I do know that I have difficulties with relationships, there does not seem to be a reliable trust barometer. I have left a string of broken friendships over the years, they seem to be the ones that have gone beyond "casual" and ask for more from me. I am seemingly not good with those.
What to do? I suppose the sensible part of me would suggest therapy to "work this out" maybe, but actually I have never been able to trust a therapist either so far!! (which I think is a big admission!) I don't want anyone else in my damaged head! It can be bad enough being in there myself! 
So with the latest broken friendship under my belt, I am thinking a lot about this common dilemma.
Whenever I am hurt (again) I go very much inside myself, I make my World as small as it possibly can be, and stay as safe as I can until I can dip my toe into the water again without panicking. I suppose I get into a metaphorical foetal position and lick my wounds. It is not a bad strategy, it makes me evaluate the important things, makes me value the relationships that I çan trust, and it gives me time to breathe.
I think that there are many kinds of people in the World, the Universe has evolved because of its diversity.There are those who are nurturers, warriors, builders, diplomats, rescuers, peace makers, there are those who wear their hearts on their sleeves, those who value privacy, those who can befriend the entire world and those who have a few intimate friends. We are all who we are because of our genes and our life experiences.
I guess I am just different, not neccessarily worse, or even better, just different. Because of my own experiences, some of those extremely traumatic , I have areas which I am simply not skilled in, and when they show , I am in pain. So my conclusion is that I will stay with the things I am good with, and keep away from those which I do badly! 
I don't see that trust mechanism getting any better than it is now, so I need to work with what I have got. 
Is this negative? not for me, it is a way of dealing with a brain which has some parts of it that have been damaged beyond repair , and recognising the strength I have in other parts 
So for anyone else going through "the darkness" I guess we have to all remember that the "Ribena berry days" don't come without cost.

A wedding! And what a day it was. My beautiful daughter Siobhan married the love of her life  Adam ,in Warwick in the most historic setting imaginable, and we all shared in her joy.Theres no doubt that over the next few weeks `I will be reflecting on all of the details, but right now I am simply exhausted! 

The thing about weddings, especially this one which was such a delightful occasion ,is that it focuses you on the things that really matter. Relationships and connections, family, and true friends, and especially Love! 

It was, for me,  a time to meet up with people not seen for ages, make new acquaintances and friends, find out more about the person my daughter has chosen to spend the rest of her life with, from his family,his friends,  their memories of his growing up, and his speech!

It was a time to look around and see so many people who have been important in her life, and have made such an effort to travel to share her day. A testament to both of them that people travelled from all parts of the World to be there. 

It was a time to hear  things that I didn't know about her from people in other parts of her life, and be proud of their high regard and love for her.

It was a time to hope that relationships that have been difficult might be healed, that any enmity might be resolved.

It was time to be thankful, that I am alive to see this day and witness such happiness, that I was not drunk or sick all over the place, that I woke today and remembered it all!

It was a time to be sad about those who were not there, Siobhan's beloved godfather Peter, (my sponsor) who was so proud of her, and her delightful brother Nick who adored her.

It was time to renew my resolve in relationships  that I need to work on, and remember the feelings I have today, rather than allow that to get lost in the maelstrom of my  busy life. 

It was a time to remember with gratitude my recovery, my survival, and those who have played a part in that, be grateful to be able to be there for my daughter on this, her special day.

It was a time to make good promises I have made, to keep my focus on the things that really are important.

It was a time of absolute gratitude for all of these reminders and  the opportunity to garner some more strength from the celebration of Love and commitment and transform them into more good.

It is a time to give thanks, to my daughter, to my other children, my husband, my friends and everyone who played their part so beautifully , and gave us all a day to remember!

The older I get, the more into recovery I get, the more I am aware of one very striking fact! That is that the ONLY way to survive with dignity and self respect is to learn the tools for SELF empowerment!   Nobody is going to do it for me!
I am sick and tired of hearing survivors talked about as "victims"
 I am sick and tired of them being patronised and condescended to!
I  am sick and tired of people changing the way they look at us when the facts of our abuses becomes known, fed up with pity and embarrassed silences.
 This  is nobody's fault, they can not be expected to actually know how it feels, they cannot be expected to know what we need. BUT I know, and it is down to me to make sure I get it right .
I am a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, I am neither ashamed or proud of that, it is simply a fact! AA saved my life, and although I find some of it's  concepts unpalatable, I have none the less been grateful for the real support of fellow addicts, they alone know what it is like, and they alone know that recovery is OUR responsibility.
Over the years I have taught many people who work as professionals in this field, and many of them are very kind thoughtful individuals. But many of their organisations are useless! They fight   simply for their own  existance, and rarely have a lot of understanding about recovery. That is not their agenda. The only real recovery I have come across in 35 years working in this profession  has been for those who have taken responsibility for their OWN  recovery, asking only the help of those who have gone before. We are survivors! We have been able to tap into that powerful survival instinct and overcome enormous odds.
One of the trtaditions of AA is that"AA should remain forever unprofessional" another is that "AA should ALWAYS be self supporting, declining all outside offers of help, lest  issues of money and prestige should divert us from our primary purpose" 
Often the organisations who are paid to work in this field are simply exploiting the situation.
And now I am seeing the same exploitation  with survivors of Catholic Clergy abuse, organisations are springing up -being paid for what they see as their "expertise". Patronising ,and disempowering people further, and becoming entities who fight only for their own existance, with no real understanding of the needs of the survivor. They become secreteive and competitive, with survivors almost being fought over! This is NOT recovery!
Why the hell would  I want to be a "victim" ?Why the hell would I want to be seen as "needy" and unable to function? Why wouold I  give my power away, yet again, to any  organisation who may abuse me further?  How can I find self respect and dignity that way? I am a SURVIVOR! I have tapped into that instinct once and recovered to tell the tale! Most of my inspiration comes from other brave and dignified survivors.
This is why at Survivors Voice we are self funded! and we support our fellow survivors because we LOVE them! and because we know that we will all benefit from each person who recovers.
We may have projects which require support, like our book translations or annual events,and we are grateful for the honourable compassionate people who help.
 But helping each other? that is an act of LOVE. This seems to be a concept that is being forgotten. And only we can do it, only we can know how to become whole.'
So I for one am not a great lover of "organisations" certainly not the kind that expect to be paid for their compassion or those who accept large donations from "interested" others. I do not approve of receiving any funding from the church, they have no right to use us to try and assuage their guilt. They should absolutely pay, but that should be in order to make proper amends to each survivor.They should have no part in anyone's healing, they have forfeited that right.
When I hear the churtch yet again say they are "willing" to meet with "victims" It makes me wild!
They CANNOT dictate the terms of anyones recovery! They are the last people to know how to do that!  
Recovery has to be on MY terms! So they can stick their sympathy, stick their prayers, and stick their narcissistic attitude. actually, if I believed in Hell , I would suggest they go there!!

And for my beatiful Italian friends!

Sono appena tornata da Verona, dove si è svolto il raduno annuale di Survivors Voice Europe delle vittime di abusi sessuali del clero, insieme ai nostri amici e compagni sopravvissuti dell'Istituto per sordi Provolo di Verona.

E' raro che noi inglesi ci stupiamo per il ​​tempo! Trascorriamo la maggior parte della nostra vita a piagnucolare sul clima! si tratta di un passatempo nazionale. E siamo abituati al fatto che appuntamenti ed eventi siamo cancellati per via del tempo. "La pioggia ha fermato il gioco" è un grido comune nei mesi estivi.

Quello che non ci aspettavamo accadesse a Verona, tuttavia, era che, mentre marciavamo, la temperatura avrebbe raggiunto la cifra sbalorditiva di 40 gradi ed era in realtà il sole che ha fermato molti di noi nel nostro cammino!

Io per esempio ero piuttosto "sopraffatta" e non credevo che sarei riuscita ad arrivare in fondo, sono riuscita a stare in piedi quasi fino alla fine, ma poi mi sono sentita male e ho dovuto gettare la spugna!  Deludente a dir poco, perché avevamo pianificato questo evento per così tanto tempo, e avevo intenzione di parlare un po' di più alla manifestazione. Come si e' visto, sono riuscita a pronunciare poche parole incomprensibili prima di crollare e di dover essere portata a casa, esausta e bruciata!

Non ho avuto la possibilità di dire le parole che avevo preparato, il motivo per cui eravamo cosi' contenti di essere di nuovo tutti insieme, e il motivo per cui d'ora in poi il nostro incontro annuale sara' a Verona. Stiamo girando le spalle a Roma, più o meno nello stesso modo in cui Roma (o almeno il Vaticano) ha voltato le spalle ai sopravvissuti! Questo è quello che volevo dire!

  

Siamo così felici di essere qui a Verona. Che città meravigliosa, ricca di storia e molto bella.

Ma qui, in questa bellezza, la Chiesa cattolica ha portato bruttezza, - bruttezza nella forma dei suoi preti pedofili che hanno agito indisturbati per anni, ignobilmente abusando dei bambini sordi e con disturbi del linguaggio, che avrebbero dovuto essere nella loro cura. La bruttezza nella forma delle smentite, bugie e coperture e ulteriori abusi di quei sopravvissuti.

E' la stessa brutta storia ovunque. Inghilterra, Irlanda, Olanda, Stati Uniti, Germania, Colombia, Australia, non c'è Paese che non sia stato visitato da questa bruttezza. Ovunque nel mondo in cui la chiesa esiste, questa bruttezza esiste con essa, con i suoi preti pedofili e le persone che coprono i loro crimini. La loro bruttezza è stata in tutto il mondo, il loro inquinamento e' stato monumentale.

Ma il tempo sta per scadere per questi brutti criminali e per la chiesa che li genera. Persone coraggiose stanno unendo le forze, come facciamo noi oggi per dire BASTA! e finalmente c'è un barlume di speranza che persone ragionevoli e oneste siano in ascolto!

  In America due settimane fa un monsignore è stato trovato colpevole di cinque capi d'accusa di messa in pericolo di bambini, non era lui stesso un pedofilo, ma è stato responsabile per lo spostamento di noti sacerdoti pedofili di parrocchia in parrocchia senza divulgare le loro attivita': potrebbe essere condannato a dodici anni di carcere. In Inghilterra Lunedi sarà promulgata una legge che stabilisce che chiunque sia trovato colpevole di coprire o non denunciare qualsiasi tipo di abuso di bambini sarà perseguito, - e giustamente, poiche' ugualmente colpevole.

Il mondo sta finalmente arrivando a questi criminali, ed era ora.

Oggi è meraviglioso essere con cosi' tanti coraggiosi e composti sopravvissuti, è per questo che noi di Survivors Voice Europe siamo qui: per festeggiare le nostre vite salvate, salvate nonostante la Chiesa - non grazie ad essa. Noi siamo qui a gioire del fatto che ci siamo trovati, che non siamo più isolati, e queste connessioni ci rendono forti!

  Siamo determinati a portare il nostro raduno annuale qui, a voltare le spalle a Roma nello stesso modo in cui il Vaticano ci ha voltato le spalle, questa bella città di Verona diventera' sinonimo di sopravvivenza dall'abuso sessuale dei bambini da parte del clero cattolico, e il punto focale della nostra causa per il resto del mondo.

Lo faremo per onorare i nostri amici, i sopravvissuti coraggiosi del famigerato Istituto Provolo che sono diventati un punto di riferimento per tutti gli altri sopravvissuti in tutto il mondo.

Liberiamoci delle brutture e ripristiniamo un po' della bellezza!

E noi diciamo all'Italia, famosa per il suo amore per i bambini e la famiglia, che è il tuo turno di unirti al resto del mondo nel dire BASTA!

 BASTA! Italia BASTA!

Third Annual Gathering os Survivors of catholic clergy sexual abuse Verona 2012

Just back from Verona, where we held the Survivors Voice Europe  annual gathering of Survivors of  catholic clergy chlid sexual abuse , along with our friends and fellow survivors of the Provolo Institute for the deaf in Verona.

It is rare that we English are amazed at the weather! We spend most of our lives whinging about it!  It is a national pastime!  And we are no strangers to occasions being cancelled because of it . “Rain stopped play” is a common cry in England the Summer months.

What we did not expect to happen in Verona, however,  was that as we marched, the temperature would reach a staggering 40 degrees and it was actually  the Sun that stopped many of us in our tracks! 

I for one, was quite “overwhelmed” and didn’t think I would last the duration, I managed almost to the end, but then became a bit ill and had to throw in the towel! Disappointing to say the least,  because we had planned for this event for so long, and I had planned to speak a little longer at the rally. As it happened, I managed a few garbled words before collapsing, having to be taken home, exhausted, and burned! 

I didn’t get the chance to say the words I had planned, the reason why we were so pleased to be all together again, and why annually our gathering would in future be in Verona. (preferably when it is cooler!) We are turning our backs on Rome, pretty much in the same way that Rome (or at least the vatican)  turns it’s back on survivors! This is what I had planned to say!

  

We are so happy to be here in Verona. What a wonderful town, full of history and very ,very, beautiful. 

But here , into this  beauty,  the catholic church has brought ugliness,- ugliness in the shape of their pedophile priests who ran riot for years, appallingly abusing the deaf and speech impaired children who were supposed to be in their care. Ugliness in the shape of the  denials ,lies, and cover ups and further abuses of those survivors.

It is the same ugly  story everywhere. England, Ireland USA Holland Germany, Colombia, Australia, there isn’t a country that  hasn’t been visited by this ugliness.

 Everywhere in the world where the church exists, there exists along with it , their pedophile priests and the people who cover up their crimes. Their  ugliness has been worldwide, the pollution monumental.

  But time is running out for  these ugly criminals and the church that spawns them. Brave people are standing together , as we do today ,to say ENOUGH! and at last there is a glimmer of hope that thinking,  honourable people are listening!

  In America two weeks ago a monsignor has been found guilty of five counts of child endangerment , he was not a perpetrator, but he was responsible for moving known pedophile offending priests from parish to parish, without divulging their activities - he could face twelve years in jail.

 In England on Monday there will be a law passed which states that anyone found to cover up or not report any kind of child abuse will be prosecuted,-  rightly so, they are equally culpable.

The World is closing in on these criminals and NOT before time.

Today it is wonderful to be with so many brave and dignified survivors, this  is why we of Survivors Voice Europe are here, to celebrate our own  saved lives, saved despite the church - not because of it. We are here to rejoice in the fact  that we have found each other, no longer isolated,  and those  connections make us strong! 

  We are determined that bringing our annual gathering here , turning our back on Rome in the same way as the vatican has turned it’s back on us, this  beautiful city of Verona will from now on become synonymous with survival of catholic clergy sexual abuse of children, and the spotlight on our cause for the rest of the World. 

We will do this to honour of our friends , the  brave survivors of the notorious Provolo Institute who have become a beacon for all other survivors worldwide.    

Lets get rid of the ugliness and restore some of the  beauty. 

And we say to Italy , famous for it’s  love of children and family, that it is your turn to join with the rest of the world in saying ENOUGH!

 BASTA ! Italia  BASTA!

Well it seems that the pope thinks that it is a "mystery" why  catholic clergy sexually abused children for centuries, "undermining the church"!!!! 
Well let me enlighten him !
There is NO  mystery why pedophiles abuse children, -that is what they do!
There is NO mystery why they enter the priesthood- that is where they are safe!
There is No mystery why they are safe- they are joining a narcissistic regime whish see itself as inviolate, infallable, and untouchable by any laws.
It is NO mystery why they have got away with it for years- the pope and his minions see it as their prime objective to make sure they do not get punished.
It is NO mystery why everyone is disgusted with you- they are fed up with being fed lies and witnessing appalling cover ups.
They is NO mystery why the churches numbers are down- your sheep are now getting wise to your dishonesty, greed and subjugation of human beings.
There is NO mystery why your conspiracy of silence is getting on everyones nerves- the world is smaller now, lots of communications, you can no longer target isolated communities safe in the knowlege that they will not be able to talk to each other.
There is certainly NO  mystery why survivors are getting stronger and more verbal- they are standing together after years of being afraid of you, and of being further abused.
There is NO  mystery why you are not welcome in the countries you deign to visit in your aptly named plane "Shepherd 1".
There is NO  mystery why those countries expect your criminals to adhere to the laws of the land, and not your man made canon law.
There is NO mystery why children who are abused by you and have suffered the worst betrayal of body and trust want an end to THEIR suffering.
What is a bloody mystery is why the hell anyone still listens to a word you say!
And it is a bloody  mystery why you are not in jail!

A Warm Blanket

Today had a strange start, I began my day by speaking on Radio Foyle in Ireland about the obseqeous apology of Sean Brady.They asked me if I could not now give Brady some "credit" for now "doing the right thing"the answer of course was that I did NOT. He only made his snivelling excuses after being in a huddle for days with advisors and spin doctors, for no other reason than to save his own miserable skin. With the audacity that we now have come to expect from these creeps, he as usual tried to turn the "admission" of his crimes into some kind of virtue! I marvel at their arrogance! Then in true fashion he tried to "victimise"  himself because the abused man in question did not want to see him, to be used as a prop for his PR stunt, being further abused in the process. Typically,  they managed to suggest that the fault therefore lay with the victim of the abuses. How strange is it that if a damaged destroyed person does not want to play the vatican's game of charades, then he is the bete  noir!
I reflected on it as I continued my day, and I was thinking about how I had been asked "what COULD they do?"
All I can say is that when I was in Rome two years ago, it was the weekend that the Chilean miners were rescued frrom the ground. We all rejoiced along with everyone else, as we watched them being gently lifted from their tunnel and show their relief.
I remember when I finally was able to talk about my own abuses at last, in my naivity all I really wanted was for someone to gently lift me out of my nightmare, wrap a warm blanket around me and say "there there you are safe now" It didn't happen, and I was further desolate.
I created my own blanket, but it is never quite the same.
Then I met me wonderful people who restored my faith in humanity. Atheists, Humanists, Secularists who showed me compassion and respect, not because an invisible puppet master would punish them if they didn't, and not because thay felt "pity" for me and to do so made them feel sanctimonious, but just because they are altruistic human beings and felt it was the right thing.After feeling my whole life like an outcast I finally was able to take a place as a part of the World.
I can honestly say I have never received any sort of kindness from anybody of "faith" NEVER!
 So today was a good one, it allowed me to think again about what I maybe can do to help and ther is not always that much, but it would be privelege  to be a small part of that warm blanket for someone else, and share their relief as they emerge from that tunnel of despair.
And look forward to celebrating again, our lives saved against all the odds and despite the church, never because of them, when we all meet up in Verona!

Poor Brady "didn't understand"!!!!

Well ! I have heard many things as I see the catholic heirarchy squirm under the weight of their disgusting crimes.I have heard many excuses and many obsequeous snivelling comments. But I have to say that this on takes some beating!! 
Brady "didn't understand" the impact that childhood clergy abuse had on children"! WHAT!
He didn't "understand" that for a child to be raped by a clergyma, that they have been told is next to god, and should ALWAYS be obeyed,had  such an  impact! WHAT!!!
He didn't "understand" that a child having been raped, and sodomised, and threatened, and silenced - when that child has been taught from birth that even to look at your own body, or to touch it (shock horror!) was a "sin" to be "confessed" (in my case to the priest who raped me!) He didn't "understand" that being abused and damaged so badly would destroy any chance of a normal decent life for that child? he didn't "understand" why people who could not bear the shame of having been raped by a priest turned to alcohol , drugs, self harm, even suicide? He didn't"understand" that raping a child is the worst betrayal of body and trust? He didn't "understand" that clergy abuse causes permanent brain damage, and the ripple  effects of it further damage families, and last through generations.WHAT!!!
And HE  feels  BETRAYED?????
I am very much afraid you are going to understand Brady!
How dare you! How FUCKING dare you!!!


http://clericalwhispers.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/i-didnt-realise-impact-of-child-abuse.html