Could there BE anything worse?

I am reeling today from a shock to my system!  This morning's work  was to gather more research to further demonstrate  the severity of brain damage to clergy sexual abuse  survivors, largely to add to  our workshop "Brains Bombs and Baddies ".  
We know a quite lot about the physiology of brain damage already, but we never sit back or rest on our laurels, always seeking more information and  knowledge. So papers from Harvard and UCA were todays job .

Can  there be a worse shock than finding out that you have  sustained severe  brain damage? You would think not. To know that your brain has been permanently physically changed by someone else's criminal behaviour. That  distorted life paths were  an inevitability, and so the damage would be compounded by further damage . Facts that we have been aware of for some time now , and  which have  been part of my work, and a passion that has grown out of my own study of brain science, while  trying  to make sense of the effects of my abuses on my own mental and emotional health, recognising  the physiology of  my addictions, self harming, eating disorder, problems with forming relationships, low self worth, trusting etc. etc. My drive has been to learn and understand as much as possible about it,and help  inform  others of  the severity of abuse, sick and tired of it being trivialised and dismissed.

But  yes ,there is worse! Even worse! And that is the knowledge that because of my distorted life path, because of my poor choices and unskilled behaviour, I have passed  brain damage on to my children! The fact that they have witnessed so much domestic violence, harsh words and  hardship, has caused that damage to be perpetuated into  the next generation .

What a cruel fact to learn, and what a lot of tears I have shed. Of course it could be said that I  couldn't help it, and intellectually I know that to be true, but emotionally I am distraught, to think that  not only was I abused, but my children were too. How much worse could it be.

I am not sure if I am glad I know this, would I have been better with ignorance of these facts? Well, right now I think the answer is Yes, I can't stop crying!

But I know when I calm down a bit and think this through , my belief has always been that knowledge is power, and if I don't know the facts I can't make a proper judgement.Without knowing the nature of the beast it is hard to deal with it, either nurture or fight it. 

And the facts are what were always kept from us,our ignorance  and  vulnerability what the church relied upon , so we need to know the truth, and more than that we need for other people to know it too.

But right now, I need to lick my wounds and  try and think if there is anything good that I was able to pass on to my children? And can we  stop that  cycle of destruction.

How dare those bastards do this to innocent children? How dare they duck out of their responsibilities? How dare they patronise, trivialise and dismiss? What kind of people are not ashamed of these facts? What kind of people can stand by and disregard them still? The kind of people that  have ridden roughshod over human beings for far too long.