Thursday, 23 August 2012
Some people are just meant to be on the outside!
Some people are just meant to be on the "outside"!
For most of my adult life, I have been looking for a place to belong, I have always felt somewhat "homesick" although for what I couldn't say.I always envied people who knew exactly who they were, where they came from, where they fitted in to the grand scheme. My abuses as a child made me alienated from society in the most cruel way, having to keep dark secrets and not having anyone to talk to about it furthered my sense of isolation. I had, I imagine, already experienced "abandonment" issues, having been adopted at an age apparently when that would happen, the adoption was a strange "private" one, and wasn't handled well. Adopted into a fiercely superstitious catholic family,with hell fire and damnation our every day agenda, and then sexually abused by a priest ( one of those who are "next to god") Further compounded my despair, and the downward spiral of self destruct was set in motion.
I didn't belong in the family, but I didn't belong outside of it, I didn't belong in the church, nor outside it. I became a permanent "outsider" And that pattern continued , being a small part of many things, but never totally belonging. In schools, in work, In college, in my profession, always half in half out.
I joined many organisations, many communities, I suspect always looking for that "home" and after a while, often unrealistically disillusioned ,I moved on to the next one.
I eventually met some "blood" relations, very nice people, but I didn't have any connection with them, I didn't belong back there either.
I am an atheist, but I have a sense of connection with Buddhist practice.I have a degree in Chinese medicine, but I prefer a scientific explanation.
I make a lot of friends but rarely get close to people.
I am a person who has a foot in so many camps, but doesn't really belong to any of them.
And now I have suddenly realised that all of that os OK! Being on the "outside" on the sidelines is not a bad place to be!
As Spike Milligan famously once said "Everybody has to be somewhere!" and this is where I am.
Being a little outside of things can be really useful, it means that sometimes I can help, without having to get involved with politics, and other peoples issues, It means that sometimes I can be of help in a lot of different areas, perhaps in a small way, rather than only being effective in one area.
It means that sometimes I can be a bridge from one world to another.
It means that I can be a small part of a lot of things, rather than a big part of a small thing.
It means that I can be a small part of a lot of peoples lives, and have a lot of people being a small part of mine.
It means that I can sometimes see the broader picture instead of being bogged down with the immediate crisis.
These aren't attributes, these are things that have come about through my own adversity and alienation, and have allowed me to survive.
So when I am feeling "homesick" I have two slogans pinned up near my desk to remind me
"Breathe-You are alive"!
And the other says
"I have arrived - I am HOME!"