Sue Cox

Sue Cox

Saturday, 4 August 2012

On days like these

Sometimes it is much easier to keep on talking about the positive side of recovery, rather than dwell on the difficulties. I try and think about the good bits most of the time, but occasionally the downside, the "defects" in me are evident, and I have to look at them. I wonder if it is a bad thing only to talk about the "Happy Ribena berry " days when actually that may not help anyone who is going through the "darkness" ?
I guess we are all different, we are not clones, but I do know there are some similarities that a lot of clergy abuse survivors have in common,and have told me about, and that I absolutely identify with.
The issue that I am thinking of at the moment is how my "trust" mechanisms are, for want of a better word, buggered! I am conscious that I can either trust people implicitly, and get very very hurt, or I don't trust them at all, in which case I can alienate people. I do know that I have difficulties with relationships, there does not seem to be a reliable trust barometer. I have left a string of broken friendships over the years, they seem to be the ones that have gone beyond "casual" and ask for more from me. I am seemingly not good with those.
What to do? I suppose the sensible part of me would suggest therapy to "work this out" maybe, but actually I have never been able to trust a therapist either so far!! (which I think is a big admission!) I don't want anyone else in my damaged head! It can be bad enough being in there myself! 
So with the latest broken friendship under my belt, I am thinking a lot about this common dilemma.
Whenever I am hurt (again) I go very much inside myself, I make my World as small as it possibly can be, and stay as safe as I can until I can dip my toe into the water again without panicking. I suppose I get into a metaphorical foetal position and lick my wounds. It is not a bad strategy, it makes me evaluate the important things, makes me value the relationships that I ├žan trust, and it gives me time to breathe.
I think that there are many kinds of people in the World, the Universe has evolved because of its diversity.There are those who are nurturers, warriors, builders, diplomats, rescuers, peace makers, there are those who wear their hearts on their sleeves, those who value privacy, those who can befriend the entire world and those who have a few intimate friends. We are all who we are because of our genes and our life experiences.
I guess I am just different, not neccessarily worse, or even better, just different. Because of my own experiences, some of those extremely traumatic , I have areas which I am simply not skilled in, and when they show , I am in pain. So my conclusion is that I will stay with the things I am good with, and keep away from those which I do badly! 
I don't see that trust mechanism getting any better than it is now, so I need to work with what I have got. 
Is this negative? not for me, it is a way of dealing with a brain which has some parts of it that have been damaged beyond repair , and recognising the strength I have in other parts 
So for anyone else going through "the darkness" I guess we have to all remember that the "Ribena berry days" don't come without cost.

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