Sunday, 21 October 2012
The season of grief
Today I feel like shit, it is nothing that anyone can do, nothing indeed that I can do, it is just one of those days when the thick unpenetrable armour that I usually wear must be in the wash! Everything around me seems sad, every overly sentimental song or Christmas stuff in the shops every reference to anything vaguely emotional is like a knife in my heart. it is like every pain I have ever felt is on the surface again. and that knife keeps twisting.
I am not given to sentimentality,I don’t do “new age stares” or maudlin stories, I don’t even do soft and gentle! the reason being that I cannot bear it! I would not be able to function, so the armour stays put!
It is of course Autumn, and as a practitioner of Chinese medicine I know that it is seen as the season of grief, the mist and the leaves falling off the trees all around,everything starting to die, and the time when people seem to be always reflecting.That doesn’t ever help!
I grieve for my son, for my childhood , for my peace of mind,for what might have been, remembering the abuses, the hardships, the violence,the loneliness, immersed once again in pain.
It WILL pass, it always does, and later today the armour will be dried and ironed and back on me! And I won’t shed a tear, I won’t show any emotion, I will have dry eyes and the tough exterior I prefer to be visible, and I will get busy!
All will be as normal.
Until the next time.