Skinny Scabby May Queen

First of May tomorrow,a beautiful month, full of new flowers and colours, the bluebells and the lilac out, and a sense of newness everywhere. 
I have always both loved and hated the month of May, loved it because I really really LOVE flowers, especially the ones that are growing now. Hated it because along with those fragrances come really awful memories. I have always been very susceptible to smells.
In my distorted catholic upbringing there was always much activity around May time,the time when there was a May procession in the church, and some young girl would be chosen to crown the statue of the virgin mary. 
      I was  always the May Queen!, “absolutely democratically voted for” they said, or I was the “retiring” May Queen, or If we visited another close town for their celebrations, I would be the “visiting May Queen”  or the “May Queen in waiting to be the next bloody “May Queen” Always singled out, I was never one of the flower girls or at the back of the procession - right at the front , in some contrived capacity or another - I thought of it as  Hell on Earth. Or maybe this was the training for  my “martyrdom?.” (Growing up I always believed I would be a martyr.)     Or was I being "groomed"?
   After my earlier abuse, I was already playing games with food, starving and bingeing, but also I was covered in scabs! I would self harm every day, cutting,  then scratching my arms and legs, and even putting ink or dirt into the scabs to keep them infected and bleeding. As fast as a scab formed I ripped it off and bled even more.They were like great craters on my body. 
      They said it was because of my "nerves" that I got these sores, prefferring not to acknowlege that  I caused  them myself! 
   So in my beautiful hand made "May Queen" white dress,I was getting  thinner and thinner, and underneath the white grosgrain, I was covered in bleeding sores.
   So every time I smell those beautiful flowers I am reminded that in all of the pictures, my hands in white gloves in prayer, what was really there was  a disturbed , suicidal,  skinny, scabby, May Queen.

The " BBB" workshop

For the last two days we have been in London delivering our newworkshop , "Brains Bombs and Baddies." Always, there are mixed emotions when talking about abuse issues, inevitably I suppose. But this time I came away, once again,  with a huge amount of gratitude for the opportunity of being with the people I taught. It is the words of a  song, I think, that says "If you become a teacher then by your students you'll be taught"  I know this is a truth from my   SMART-UK teaching, I am always in positive awe of the people I teach, and the jobs they do. I am a fierce supporter of our prison officers for example, who do an amazing and very stressful job, and rarely get the praise  or recognition they deserve.

 This new workshop focuses on the brain damage caused by sexual abuse and post traumatic stress. There were some amazing participants, like the lady who was brought into this country aged five from East Africa, where she had witnessed a schoolfriend being raped, and was thereafter unable to speak. Having arrived here, she was immediately sexually abused by the people she was dependant on, and suffered years of trauma. Now she is a wonderful strong therapist, who fights for the rights of others.The beautiful young lady who has just rowed the Atlantic! but who also works with children who have been trafficked here for sex, some as young as nine. The lovely chap who was groomed by a pedophile ring as a child, and who suffered years of abuse and addiction, but now is a strong role model for others and has been intstrumental in saving so many lives. I could go on, they were all of them a joy to be with, and as usual I felt humbled as they   put back my faith in humanity! It is so easy to dwell  on the horror stories, and if I  do, it will inevtably drag me  down,  it is so easy sometimes to feel like a victim!  But to realise there are such honourable and committed people who are determined to make a difference, is inspiring, and lifts the spirits! I came away knowing that I am very lucky, that I have the best job in the world, which means that I am regularly able to be around the most altruistic of human beings and that fundementlly there is a lot beauty and inspiration in this crazy world. Of course we cried a little, but we laughed a lot! And they gave me the fuel  to carry on ! I must thank them all for their genuine compassion,  humility, and humour! What a priveleged job I have!