unconditional love

This time of year I get a bit nostalgic, (another name for  bit maudlin!) I think a bit too much, I dwell on the past and get a bit (actually very) emotional. I tell myself all year that I won't, that I hate all that stuff and every year I do it and hate the stuff even more!
I am particularly dwelling on my "trip"(hating the J word!)  of the last six years, and how complicated it all gets, and how much easier it is to keep things simple! 
I am thinking of where I have learned my most useful lessons and how easy it is to forget those simple truths.
The best things I have ever had given to me have been the "wisdoms" from other addicts, just trying to do their best, put one foot in front of the other and do the next right thing. It almost makes me cry just writing that sentence.
Now it is not easy to be an atheist in AA or NA! But after 40 years I can attest to the fact that it is quite possible!  If you really want to get well and stay well,  then you have to read between the lines, to dump the talk of god or spiritual  "higher powers" and look at the very essence of the message, which whatever way you look at it is very sound. I do NOT believe in god or any supernatural power, neither do I think the "universe" is looking out for me! I do, however believe in human beings! In their honesty and integrity, their overwhelming humility, their need to "make amends" and their honest desire to help others. I also can feel a refuge in some Buddhist practice.
I have heard many wise words from many people, but none as powerful as witnessing someone  who has royally fucked up their life, picked up the shattered  pieces and with humility and by their simple actions, turned it around for themselves and those around them. I wouldn't swap their wisdom or humour for all the wise words of academia. And even today when I am feeling like shit, hating my inadequacies and fears I know I would get a warm hug, a bloody awful cup of coffee, but  something like unconditional love if I sought out the right company!
Why do I make things so complicated? because I am a human being, with frailties and damage.
I hate the struggle, but I  also do  know that this will pass!

Thankful for our NHS!

I haven't blogged for a while, largely because I have been unwell, but also because I tend to wait until something moves me,  or pisses me off enough to run screaming to the computer!
What pissed me off recently was  a dreadful experience I had with the "private" medical world leaving  me feeling vulnerable and fearful.
I had a worrying MRI scan of my back and my doctor said I needed to be referred to a neuro-surgeon. She said that at present they have an "arrangement" with the Nuffield private hospital which meant that she could refer me there to a neuro surgeon "Mr.Choksey", who would see me as a NHS patient.
As it happens, when I tried to arrange it all, it turned out not to be as straightforward as she had thought, and rather than start the whole procedure again, I decided to pay for the consultation.To see what I was dealing with and what my options were.
It was awful! This man was arrogant, condescending,  and examined me as if I was  a piece of meat . He told me I needed spinal surgery "As a matter of urgency" and it would need to be performed within the next day or two!
 It felt like a bad dream, a real shock.
He then asked if I had medical insurance, which I haven't, and then said "Well I will have to refer you back to the NHS service -If you want to risk infection"! 
Gez, who was with me was a bit panicked and said "Hang on a moment are you saying that my wife is MORE likely to get an infection if she goes into the NHS hospital?"
"Oh yes" said the surgeon "In fact that is why I left the NHS! , but they won't tell you that they will LIE to you!" 
How much would the operation be privately? £15,000 , Quite out of the question for us!
When he realised we weren't going to pay for the operation, he very quickly added "Well if you go and see them, they may not agree with me of course"
It felt like he was touting for business, and had very little regard for the fact that he had now frightened an already very worried patient into thinking that where he was sending me was unsafe!
I was then charged with going straight to A&E in Coventry, where indeed they did disagree, thought that although the operation needs doing, it certainly was not THAT urgent. 
They were professional empathic and KIND!
Now I have always been an absolute admirer of our health service, it has always been a beacon of integrity in my lifetime, and free to all patients! Which is so much more than people in many other  countries have at their disposal.
Most of these surgeons have had their education free of charge too! 
We do take it for granted, as with everything that has always been free, but every now and again something happens that makes us appreciate what we have.
There is also a perception that because we have free medical care, that it is somehow inferior, when of course that is absolutely not true. 
Yes,  there may be blips with administration, communication sometimes, but when it comes to illness, I have always found the care is second to none. I for one will add my name to anything that will protect it!
(I am not looking forward to this operation though!!)

Thankful for our NHS!

I haven't blogged for a while, largely because I have been unwell, but also because I tend to wait until something moves me,  or pisses me off enough to run screaming to the computer!
What pissed me off recently was  a dreadful experience I had with the "private" medical world leaving  me feeling vulnerable and fearful.
I had a worrying MRI scan of my back and my doctor said I needed to be referred to a neuro-surgeon. She said that at present they have an "arrangement" with the Nuffield private hospital which meant that she could refer me there to a neuro surgeon "Mr.Choksey", who would see me as a NHS patient.
As it happens, when  tried to arrange it all, it turned out not to be as straightforward as she had thought, and rather than start the whole procedure again, I decided to pay for the consultation.To see what I was dealing with and what my options were.
It was awful! This man was arrogant, condescending,  and examined me as if I was  a piece of meat . He told me I needed spinal surgery "As a matter of urgency" and it would need to be performed within the next day or two!
 It felt like a bad dream, a real shock.
He then asked if I had medical insurance, which I haven't, and then said "Well I will have to refer you back to the NHS service -If you want to risk infection"! 
Gez, who was with me was a bit panicked and said "Hang on a moment are you saying that my wife is MORE likely to get an infection if she goes into the NHS hospital?"
"Oh yes" said the surgeon "In fact that is why I left the NHS! , but they won't tell you that they will LIE to you!" 
How much would the operation be privately? £15,000 , Quite out of the question for us!
When he realised we weren't going to pay for the operation, he very quickly added "Well if you go and see them, they may not agree with me of course"
It felt like he was touting for business, and had very little regard for the fact that he had now frightened an already very worried patient into thinking that where he was sending me was unsafe!
I was then charged with going straight to A&E in Coventry, where indeed they did disagree, thought that although the operation needs doing, it certainly was not THAT urgent. 
They were professional empathic and KIND!
Now I have always been an absolute admirer of our health service, it has always been a beacon of integrity in my lifetime, and free to all patients! Which is so much more than people in many other  countries have at their disposal.
Most of these surgeons have had their education free of charge too! 
We do take it for granted, as with everything that has always been free, but every now and again something happens that makes us appreciate what we have.
There is also a perception that because we have free medical care, that it is somehow inferior, when of course that is absolutely not true. 
Yes,  there may be blips with administration, communication sometimes, but when it comes to illness, I have always found the care is second to none. I for one will add my name to anything that will protect it!
(I am not looking forward to this operation though!!)

OFFER IT UP?

                   
I am sickened by the idea that "mother Theresa", that sadistic old crone, is being elevated to "sainthood" by the equally sadistic catholic church!
Not that "sainthood" means anything to me, but it is certainly giving the PR spin on the  church a boost among many gullible people. Lets face it, that church  needs all the help it can get to boost it's failing image.
I am particularly nauseated by her appalling attitude to other's suffering! saying that the poor and sick should be grateful for their suffering believing that suffering, however it is caused is a gift from god!
"I think it is very beautiful for the poor to accept their lot, to share it with the passion of christ.I think the world is being much helped by the suffering of the poor people!
What a piece of work! and what a bloody cop-out!
Although this doesn't surprise me at all, as I grew up in this dreadful religion, and I was always told I should be grateful for any pain or discomfort I felt
"Offer it up" was what I was always told! Any pain I experienced was considered something I should be "grateful" for, to enable me to "offer it up" in atonement for my many many "sins", both past and future. Sympathy ought never be craved, in fact it was a dirty word!
"You are gasping for breath " (I am asthmatic) "Offer it up!"
"You have a broken foot? (I fell off a swing) "Offer it up!"
You are being sick? you have measles? whooping cough? pneumonia? 
"Offer it up"
It seemed that any physical pain I went through was of no other consequence than to be used as an offering. I was then shamed into thinking that I was selfish for crying or complaining about pain, in fact I should welcome it so I got the chance to "Offer it up!"

What a clever way for this cruel regime to keep people subserviant and suffering! And worse still, if they continue to "honour" people in this way who obediently  further their  cause, and  are perpetuating this cruel and distorted view of humanity.

If I listened to that religious crap  I would be told I was sinful, unworthy, only here in this life to prove I am deserving of the next, the church of course saying that they alone are the custodians of the gateway to that joyful  never never land, and I should be deliriously happy at being in pain or afraid or starving, or raped by one of their sick "holy" men and OFFER it up!

WTF!

Thankfully I now know that every human being is  a very precious, unique, and irreplaceable part of the Universe and  that even includes me!

Compassion is where it is at, and something this awful woman and her appalling religion know Nothing about.

Everyone has a story

There's a lady who works at the shop and garage near my house, and she has a bit of a reputation for being "grumpy", people say she can be fine one minute and then reverts to a terrible " bad mood."  She has always been very nice to me, and she just loves our dog, giving him treats when he passes and coming away from her counter just to play with him. But I  have seen her be really crotchety with other people on occasions!
Yesterday I called in to buy something and she noticed the tattoo on my arm and asked me what it says? I told her it was the name of my oldest son Nicholas who died. She filled up with tears and asked me what happened to Nick, and so I told her about him, then she said "I know just how you feel, my little boy was killed when he was six, he ran over the road to get his football and was run over"  Then she told me "It was thirty five years ago, and I still cry for him every day" and of course I told her that I did the same.
I was so sad for her, but more than anything it made me realise how easy it is to make assumptions about people, that EVERYONE has a story, none of us are unscathed by life, and on the days when she is feeling "grumpy" she is probably only JUST holding herself together and is full of grief.
I wanted to go back and take her some flowers or something, but it felt as if I would have been patronising her, but I hope  there might be an occasion at sometime when I can do something to make her feel better.What  I WILL do is learn the lesson, and remember who taught it me!
I am often "grumpy"  when I am in a lot of pain, I find myself snapping, and then feeling bad about it! I am very lucky that I have lovely people around who   make allowances for me! 
There have been times too when I have felt just a little embarrassed about my tattoo! especially when someone has commented about my being a "bit old" for one, perhaps thinking I was going through an "old age" crisis! But I had done  it to remind me every moment of the day about Nick, not that I need anything to remind me, because he is never far from my thoughts. But one of the last things  Nick said to me before he died was "I am very proud of you Mum" and I did not deserve it. The tattoo on my right arm means that every time I do something with my right hand I see it, think of Nick  and I like to think  it makes me do things better, with him in mind.
So if you se a grumpy old woman covered in tattoos don't make assumptions about her, she may be going through hell and perhaps just needs a smile.

Martyrdom

An elderly priest was murdered in France and the pope talks about his horror and pain.
"We are especially moved because this horrible violence took place in a Church, a sacred place in which god's love is announced, with the barbaric murder of a priest and the involvement of the faithful,"  the vatican's statement read.
This was followed very quickly by the bandwagon being pounced on by cardinal Nichols et al saying that we now have to make churches the priority for security.And the inevitable talk of"martyrdom" 
  Now let me be very clear,  I am also absolutely horrified at the death of this  elderly man in such a  cruel way, whether he was a priest or a road sweeper, as I am with all of the acts of terror that we are witnessing at present. It is a dreadful and meaningless waste of life. My heart goes out to everyone affected, and like everyone with a heart, I have cried buckets over them 
But be very very careful.
This is exactly the sort of act that will bring out the desperate need for "martyrdom" that the catholic church does so well.
When I was a child I honestly believed I would be called upon to be a martyr! Not the perpetual doormat kind that whine  a lot and we all cringe at, but a real "suffer intolerable death for your faith " kind of martyr. I had it drummed into me that this may very well happen! 
It was a time when catholics saw themselves as a persecuted minority, and actually revelled in a sort of perverse elitism.
I was very unwilling to die for my faith, but as a little girl, I lived in fear  of my impending "martyrdom" and also of  what would happen if I didn't  offer my life up for the faith!
It is an appalling  attitude to life, that precious thing that does NOT belong to some whimsical deity, but to ourselves, each one of us and is so brief and magical.
The catholic church is already reeling from the revelations in recent years and the spotlight on their narcissistic organisation. 
I don't ever hear expressions of "horror or pain" with the hundreds of clergy abuse victims who have taken their own lives, or have died as a result of the distorted life path that their abuses have forced them on. Or have simply had their lives destroyed.
Are they delighted that this murder has happened? Well I sincerely hope not. But there is a real danger that they will use this perceived martyrdom to their advantage, to try and detract from their own many failings.
If, as is often said, childhood clergy abuse is "assassination of the spirit"then the sheer volume of the church's abuses makes their crimes akin to genocide.
 So please do resist the urge to see this dreadful murder as anything other than what it was - a shocking and wicked act, and the latest attempt to wreak terror among us all, certainly no worse than the cruel deaths of so many (including innocent children)  in Nice and Munich and  everywhere else where these evil terrorists find an opportunity to kill. 

Support group~?

On the radio this morning, I was asked to comment on the news of  the formation of a "victims" club by three famous people who say they have been shabbily treated and wrongly accused of historic sexual abuse.
Cliff Richard, Paul Gamboccini and Neil Evans are shown in the papers joining  hands and shouting about the  pain and suffering they have experienced by being falsely accused and "having been found innocent" They want to form a "victim support group" and campaign to get the law changed so that people who are so accused are not named unless they are charged.
So here's the thing:
Firstly, of course I have a great deal of sympathy for anyone who is falsely accused of any crime, I am quite sure it is a dreadful thing to experience. 
In these cases, there was no "innocent" or "guilty" verdict, the charges  were simply dropped through lack of sufficient evidence. Now Cliff Richard is complaining that this is not ok, that there will be a stain on his character, and people will say "no smoke without fire" etc. and although that might be quite unpleasant, it is hardly a case for changing the law. These kind of cases are actually few and far between.
The law is duty bound to investigate all accusations of such crimes, and although in his case there was a mishandled search, and a media frenzy because of his fame, that is essentially what they were doing.
I would have a lot more respect for them if they had said "It was terrible, really bloody awful,and not fair,  but we applaud the police and the judiciary for doing there job"  I suspect people would be less inclined to suggest "no smoke without fire"
Yes,  if they had no charge to answer it is indeed awful to have to go through that procedure, and if the law needs changing then campaign by all means.
The danger of course of NOT naming people might mean that victims of the same perpetrator don't come forward.The radio interviewer said "Well they can come forward after they have been charged" But unless other victims  come forward they may NOT be charged, often such a case may be dependant on others coming forward, and if they don't , then the case may be dropped "Because of insufficient evidence"
However  the worst aspect of it for me is that there is an implication, yet again, that there are armies of people making false accusations about others because they are looking for "compensation", or "publicity" or some other agenda. 
NOT true! Statistically there are very few "false accusations", and they are usually from people who have other problems of some kind, and they are soon wheedled out by the police or the Crown prosecution service. The police and the CPS  know about this subject, they are used to dealing with it, and they mostly do it very well.
It is a source of real discomfort for me and other survivors when I hear this sort of incorrect assumption, usually from people who don't have a clue about child sexual abuse.
The very reason why it takes so long,  often, for survivors to come forward is because of the sheer embarrassment they feel, and perhaps the fear that they won't be believed, or will be smeared, in just this way, who the hell would really want to go through that?
Although I have talked about my abuses a lot, and to different groups, it is still something I cringe at!
It is not great being known mostly for having been abused! 
It is not an image I would have chosen! As soon as I speak about it there is an inevitable image in someones head, and once that image is in there it won't go away- the genie is out of the bottle.I am a sixty nine year old Granny!  I don't relish being seen in that way!  
Of course I am told I had a choice! But the choice was damned if I do damned if I don't! If I don't talk about it, I remain damaged and isolated, and I leave it to others to find the courage. If I do talk about it I am open to another  kind of isolation. I chose to be open about it and stand and be counted for others, but I can truly understand why many simply could not bear it. This may make it even harder.
So in answer to the original question, I fear  that this sort of "alliance" could very easily become a club of guilty people who can hide behind the very few who may be falsely accused.
By all means tell people of your innocence, and fight for your own justice, but a "victim support group"? PLEASE! 

High as a Kite!

Feeling as High as a kite after the last weeks activities! (And not a drug or a drink in sight!) 
I know that if someone gives us a gift we get some very nice "feelgood" chemicals in our brain, of course we do, it is nice to think someone has thought of us and gone to a lot of trouble to please us, But I also know that if we GIVE something we get substantially more of those feelgood chemicals, it seems silly not to have them! Free chemicals! And no "come down" no hangover! The person receiving from us feels good, we feel good and those around us feel good just by witnessing that kind act. It is a win win situation! 
Last weekend I was not well enough to stay for the Humanist conference, but I did manage to hear  AC Grayling talk about the philosophy of "friendship" so uplifting, so inspirational (and not a god in sight!)
Then I was teaching some truly lovely people, working in the most difficult circumstances in prison and drug services (and not an ego in sight!) 
But the highlight of my week has GOT to be going up to Edinburgh to speak at the launch of the brilliant initiative "AID AND ABET" !!!! I still haven't come down!

THE most amazing people "Cons and Cops" (their words!) working together and saving lives! It was a privilege  to be a part of it and to be SO well looked after by these altruistic people. So professional. so compassionate so honourable and

SO humble, I did NOT want to get back on that plane!This has given me a new lease!, but actually what it did was remind me how being around recovery and altruism feels! It is so easy to get a little jaded or complacent when you have "been 
around" as long as I have.These lovely recovery friends, and their equally lovely police colleagues reminded me what it is all about!

Their optimism and joy was infectious, their determination mind blowing,  breaking down barriers, getting rid of  "Us and Them" and creating partnerships that are making a real difference. 
I came away with enough of those "feel-good chemicals" to last a month! But I don't mind admitting that I want MORE! And I  know exactly where to get them! 

 I don't always remember, because I am human, I need reminding!  But when I do it feels great!
And then to top it all they sent me beautiful flowers!!! It was a bit like getting a big box of chocolates and then being rewarded for eating them! What a week!

Best laid plans!

I was so looking forward to the British humanist Association annual conference in Birmingham this weekend, had my ticket for ages! Wonderful speakers lined up not to mention old friends to see and new ones to make. I only managed a morning!
I had to miss last years in Bristol because of my health, and I did it again!
I have been trying to cut down on my steroids for weeks and thought maybe I could get off them! I think I was a bit too ambitious,because the trouble is, without them I have awful pain and  I can't walk ! So I had to hobble to the car park and back and although it was quite near -  I couldn't do it.
I did however, manage to hear  Professor AC Grayling who is a great hero  of mine, so inspiring and also so charming. His talk  gave me some brilliant inspiration, and indeed a few gems that I can use to make me,and others  happier! Every time I hear him, he makes me wish I had more time to study philosophy properly!

I also managed to hear my good friend Peter Tatchell, and get a hug! Another inspiring human being, Never come across anyone who is more of the epitomy of "walking the walk" and is also able talk a good talk too!
So although I couldn't stay, I got so energised by the little I experienced. I have always got so much energy from being around inspiring or like-minded people, our survivor gatherings, my addiction work students, other recovered addicts, my family.
So back up on the wretched steroids, waiting for the "moonface" to come back, and feeling a bit sorry for myself! But I am not half as bad as aI would have ben without the morning in Birmingham!
I am looking forward to the week ahead, teaching in Oakhill secure training centre for four days, and then one day up in Scotland to the launch of the brilliant "Aid and Abet"!

               So what if I  have a Moon face!!

Feeling grateful feels great!

In the spirit of balancing out all the negativity that comes with talking about abuse issues, and that depressing narcissistic bloody church, I do sometimes like to reflect on how very lucky I am!
 This week has been a particularly good one! I have been with my favourite people and doing my favourite things! I do that most weeks actually, so I have to be the luckiest of people!

I was in Scotland with the lovely folks  of Fife on Monday and Tuesday, and had a wonderful time teaching them, my students are all so brilliant!
Then I  had clients  all day Wednesday, all getting well and making real progress -always a great buzz from that! 
And Annie came back from Nepal and was helping me all day! Reminded me of my dear friends in Nepal.(This is the clock they gave me a treasured possession!)
Then on Thursday I went to London to do some supervision with some great  girls,  doing excellent jobs in a very difficult arena - could have stayed with them all day! 
I have to pinch myself when I think that I have now personally taught nearly 14 thousand healthcare workers! And they are all amazing people! 
My grandson Ollie got accepted to do an apprenticeship in barbering!
Then I "Skyped" with my buddy Gary from USA - I will be seeing him in a couple of weeks to do the "Winning the Battle of the abused Brain" workshop! so excited!!!
www.battleoftheabusedbrain.website
Friday I got to SKYPE with my  "oppo" Ton from Holland, we always have lots to tell each other! Looking forward to their symposium in Holland later in the year!
Wonderful connections and messages all over the world made it easier to fit in the shopping and cleaning! Had a card and a gift from Anthony in Vermont, made me smile.

Today I will be going to London to see my

daughter and my Oscar who is growing and changing almost daily, and is so gorgeous! Tomorrow my lovely son Danny will be coming home for a few days he is guaranteed to lift my spirits.

And I will be speaking to my other great kids on the phone, as I do most days.
I will be with my best friend and husband Gez, who is my rock, and looks after me so well, (especially his wonderful cooking that  feeds

me too well!) Not to mention the beautiful painting he has given me to auction as a contribution to the USA workshop travel fund!
On Monday hopefully will SKYPE with the rest of the board of the "Godless Grace foundation", despite it being in the middle of my night! it is worth it as I am so honoured to be a part of it!

I wrote five more pages of my book, also added more exciting  stuff for the workshops, 
My blood pressure came down a bit, I reduced my steroids by 2 mgs, I feel hopeful that I might get rid of the "moon face" and start to look more like me in the mirror!  The woods are showing a lovely blue carpet as the bluebells come up (another one of Gez's paintings!) 

The forget me nots are out and and the lilac tree is budding! 
All of this and then I get to cuddle Buddy!

What is not to be bloody grateful for! 

Makes me SICK!

Hey pope! thanks for the missive about families and LOVE - heres my thoughts on it!

 What  the pope knows about LOVE could, I think be written on a postage stamp!!
 I do hope beneath his sugary flowery words people can still see the cruel narcissistic reality of the catholic church, and the smily faced snake at it's head.
That they feel they can dictate to ANYONE is beyond me, but to discriminate against  the LGBT community is cruel and unjustifiable.

 They say it is a "long awaited" document, I am quite sure they mean they have taken a long time so they can try and get the same old dialogue into words that baffle with the bullshit. I find the assumption that people are so stupid to be further arrogance.
It is so past time to stop giving any credence to these homophobic misogynist creeps, full of pedophiles, liars and racketeers, why on earth does anyone listen to such a corrupt and hypocritical organisation!
I am not gay, but I have a wonderful gay son who makes me PROUD. I am also honoured to be a patron of the "Pink Triangle", and as an abuse survivor, I do know what it feels like to be alienated, to be dismissed and feel disposable, this church is always so good at being the architect of these disgusting discriminations. 
As I have emerged into some kind of recovery from this wretched church and it's pedophile priest, I have received so much LOVE from the wonderful  LGBT community -  I received NONE from this appalling religion!
LOVE? Love? For F...s sake! He should not even be allowed to utter it's name!
I am trying to find sensible words to describe my feelings, something that will make a intelligent statement, but rack my brains as much as I can I can only come up with the fact that 

They make me bloody sick !!

Easter Monotone!

I said I wouldn’t get into moaning about religion too much! But it is that time of year again when every time I put on the radio or TV I hear that dreadful monotone voice of someone religious spouting ! If there was a god, I am quite sure he would hate that bloody awful tone they adopt  when they consider they are talking to him/her.

But then I always do find it hard not to be bewildered by such people’s blind obedience to religion,  especially when we see all around us it is so destructive. 

Not just because of the people who have died in the endless wars fought in the name of religion, but by the way it  has deftly succeeded in de-valuing all of our  human life. We only have to see the dreadful killing of innocent people this week by terrorists to be aware of this! But terrorists aren't the only ones who don't value this life. 

I recently went to a funeral that was for a young man who died of a heroin overdose. His Mother who is fiercely religious had that awful “all knowing”  beatific smile on her face often worn by religious  people, and she held it throughout the funeral, and afterwards, told me (with the same beatific smile) that she was so happy that he was with god, that god had spared him from a worse fate.Now I do know that everyone grieves in their own way,with  whatever gets you through the shit. 

But HE WAS 22 ! For F... s sake! he should have been there with his brothers and sisters, with his mates, having fun.  I wanted her to be screaming in absolute anger and  grief that he was not! I wanted her to say how important he was,how special,  how terrible it was to lose him, what a shit deal it all was. It felt almost as if his whole short life was being negated because of the whim of some arse in the sky who didn’t care about the pain that his death had caused, what a gaping hole would always be in his family’s lives.

It is subtle, this blind belief in the hereafter,  it is insidious and it has crept upon us over the millennia, until so many people spend what is such a rare and precious time on earth thinking about the next one! Religion is the architect of such cruel delusions. What a f.....ing waste! 

Theres not a day goes by that I don’t

metaphorically scream in anger and despair that my own son died at the age of nineteen! Of course it would be so comforting to tell myself he is in a “better place” and that I will join him one day. How much easier that would be for me! But I can’t just decide to believe in a fairy story  because it feels nicer! And actually I WANT to shout how bloody dreadful it is, to acknowlege what he has missed and what we have missed about him. Because his life, THIS life was precious and important and valuable and finite. I know we won’t meet again, and if I could just have back the times when I was annoyed with him, or angry , or even "too busy" , then I would give the proverbial limbs. It broke my heart,and it still hurts like F...!

This kind of sinister  fairy tale thinking pervades every part of our society! I certainly wouldn’t want to be treated for a serious complaint by a doctor who thought my life was not important apart from being a proving ground for the next! I don’t want to have my government headed by someone who leaves the major decisions about my country to his imaginary friend in the sky! I don’t want to rely on anyone who thinks that this life of mine or my family is just a trial period!

This boy’s death was a dreadful tragic  waste of a life, and  although, of course, I sympathised with his Mother, and I know that she surely must be in such pain,  I actually found myself wanting to smack her! (I told you that when I think about religion it brings the very worst out in me!)  But what I did instead,  is really look at how I value those people in my life, my children, my husband, my friends,  all of whom will also only have a tiny speck of time  on this planet, and I have had the sheer luck to be able to share that precious time with them. I will not  waste a second of it thinking about some vengeful judgmental bastard who thankfully doesn’t exist!
If I don't manage to get to the radio to turn off that dreadful monotone soon enough, It will tell me that this is a time for "reflection" So I will reflect on this!
 Each one of us is a unique, precious irreplaceable part of the universe, made of stardust and will only have one moment, and THIS is the moment!

Someone told me that if I wanted to be happy I should live each day as if it was my last. I am resolving to  consider that  everyone I connect with might be having  THEIR last day, and so try and make it a great  one! 

Sick of being Sick!

Something has happened to me today!. 
Do you know I am just  SICK of it!  Sick of the negativity that constantly  thinking about religion brings out in me! I am Sick of feeling angry, Sick of repeating old news , Sick of wasting these precious  days on irrelevant people . 

I KNOW the score! I know they are duplicitous self engrandised narcissistic liars. It doesn't matter which angle I look at it from, it is always clear! 
So I for one am "moving on"! 
It feels  a bit like when I stopped drinking, I could have spent  my life complaining about the evils of drink, what it did to me, my shame and guilt,  how sorry for myself I was, or I could grab the opportunity of recovery with both hands and get over it! I was Sick of being Sick , so I chose the latter!

So now I have another choice! I could spend my days complaining about the 
r c narcissists , banging on about how abusive the catholic upbringing of children is, how it attracts and protects pedophiles, and on and on , OR I could thank F...  I  am out of it and get on with living  a life that has been saved! 
I spend ages saying how it is wrong to feed narcissists, and then I get drawn in to doing just that!  It keeps me Sick! Constantly fighting them, makes me fight everyone , and  brings out the very worst in me! 
Have I really turned my back on them? or is there still a bit of residual delusion that things might change? NO! Or maybe I still have some post disclosure paranoia? Who knows!   
So today I choose recovery, health, wellbeing, positive growth and freedom, and I will continue to share my skills to help other survivors recover too.

I will work on my recovery, my teaching  and the five star recovery plan for survivors , and not give one more hour to that  negative influence that I have escaped from and left behind. 
When I stopped drinking, it wasn't after a particular drama, in fact worse dramas had occurred many times before that. But I somehow had a "moment of clarity",  not from any "higher power" but from my own humanity. I saw what would happen if I continued, how this would be the pattern forever, and how my family would suffer, how "Sick"  it all was.

 Some people call those moments a "spiritual awakening" but for me it was just an  inherent human desire for something better and for survival that gave me that clear window.

I have experienced many of those moments since, and if I choose to act on them I fair better, am happier, more productive and more useful - ignoring them makes me bolshy and  miserable! It is not difficult to see what is better! 
That wretched church has had enough of my precious time, it took my innocence, my safety, my peace of mind, my security and much of my potential. I do not want to give it any more of what is actually a very  very short spell on the planet.
That is why the "recovery tree" on the

Survivors Voice website was created!So I am going to now going to get on with the real business of cultivating, watering and nurturing!

Stretching the truth!

When I was a child growing up in the toxic environment of brainwashed fearful catholic bigots, I was always  aware that what was important to them was what we were seen to be doing, rather than what we actually did! I was charged very early in my life with the responsibility of not letting down the image of being a catholic!  I was being "watched" !!!

Not only by that cruel  omnipotent executioner in the sky, (who loved me!) and by all of his "saints" but by everybody else! EVERYONE would be watching me and , knowing I was a catholic,  would judge any transgression, no matter how minor or human and that  would reflect badly on the church.

Admittedly this was a time when catholics saw themselves as a persecuted minority, but  nothing has changed. Still there is a "What can I get away with" culture, which has very little to do with common decency or morality. 
I have said before how there was a "hierarchy" of "sins" some with more serious consequences (in a next life) than others. So there was effectively a list of rules. As children we were taught that whatever was on that "list" was what would send us straight to hell. Most people soon learned how those rules  could all be stretched and manipulated, to justify pretty much any behaviour they chose to indulge in. I remember when the "no meat on Friday" rule applied, the family would   justify eating meat, if you were ill, had been ill, were looking after someone who was ill, or were working and needing more energy,  or at school equally in need of  more energy. 
 The "Fasting in Lent" rule was the same, and actually pretty much any rule could be manipulated, regardless of how immoral or lacking in human decency it was. The "joke" between adults in the family was "have it and tell it" meaning do what you want, then go to confession.(make sure no one outside the church sees you though, that would let the church down!
They would discuss their own "ways around things" as if it were a virtue! It seemed that the creativity of avoiding the consequences of "sin" was much prized!

Different rules applied to children of course, who needed to be taught how sinful they were, should not have that "rod spared", and should be totally obedient.

As I watch all the various promises and feigned sorrow of the church's hierarchy regarding those lives that have been destroyed by their priests violations, it is fairly obvious to me that they are still hell bent on what they can "get away with" and their ONLY agenda is still the image of the church. 
Anyone with any decency or integrity would be saying "We will do as MUCH as we possibly can to atone" (and then DO it!)  They would act with humility and a degree of shame! 
The church will do as LITTLE as they can get away with! Offering crumbs (and renege on even that!) They will act from a position of arrogance and grandiosity.
They will constantly STRETCH  the rules to justify their immorality!
They tell us priests  are celibate!! despite far more of them "stretching the rules" to include several mistresses,secret children, and multiple boyfriends.
They say that if priests  could marry, there would be less child abuse! "stretching the rules" to suit their own purposes when we all know that pedophiles are not created because of  celibacy!
They dig their heels in over issues that don't really concern  them, but would save lives,  like contraception and stem cell research, but "relax" their rulings on things that suit their purposes, and don't really matter, like "relaxing" the rulings on catholics marrying non catholics, and condescendingly offering women "forgiveness" for past abortions!  
Then they tell you they are the keepers of truth and decency! But the facts  tell us very much otherwise! So keep your elastic "lists"- I like facts and statistics! here are some REAL  ones to be going on with!