Thursday, 29 December 2016
This time of year I get a bit nostalgic, (another name for bit maudlin!) I think a bit too much, I dwell on the past and get a bit (actually very) emotional. I tell myself all year that I won't, that I hate all that stuff and every year I do it and hate the stuff even more!
I am particularly dwelling on my "trip"(hating the J word!) of the last six years, and how complicated it all gets, and how much easier it is to keep things simple!
I am thinking of where I have learned my most useful lessons and how easy it is to forget those simple truths.
The best things I have ever had given to me have been the "wisdoms" from other addicts, just trying to do their best, put one foot in front of the other and do the next right thing. It almost makes me cry just writing that sentence.
Now it is not easy to be an atheist in AA or NA! But after 40 years I can attest to the fact that it is quite possible! If you really want to get well and stay well, then you have to read between the lines, to dump the talk of god or spiritual "higher powers" and look at the very essence of the message, which whatever way you look at it is very sound. I do NOT believe in god or any supernatural power, neither do I think the "universe" is looking out for me! I do, however believe in human beings! In their honesty and integrity, their overwhelming humility, their need to "make amends" and their honest desire to help others. I also can feel a refuge in some Buddhist practice.
I have heard many wise words from many people, but none as powerful as witnessing someone who has royally fucked up their life, picked up the shattered pieces and with humility and by their simple actions, turned it around for themselves and those around them. I wouldn't swap their wisdom or humour for all the wise words of academia. And even today when I am feeling like shit, hating my inadequacies and fears I know I would get a warm hug, a bloody awful cup of coffee, but something like unconditional love if I sought out the right company!
Why do I make things so complicated? because I am a human being, with frailties and damage.
I hate the struggle, but I also do know that this will pass!