Humility for me!

I have never been overly impressed  just with people’s  wise and clever words,although I have to say I have been privileged to listen to many inspirational speakers.

All the people that have ever truly impressed me have all been thoughtful and kind with  large dose of Humility.

My sponsor Peter, when I first got sober, the most unassuming man I have ever met, responsible for saving many lives but in a self effacing and gentle way.

Those people who “walk the walk”  and rarely tell anyone about it.

I have always learned more from the ordinary person just going though their lives trying simply to do “the right thing” 

Sitting in meetings , years ago,  listening to absolute honesty mixed with humour and compassion was more influential on me than all of the self help books I have read, all the  life instructional manuals. My only difficulty  with that was that they put their humility down to belief in god, whereas I know it to be an intrinsic  human quality, that some people have in spades, but is devoid of any deity.

As an “alien “ in this  world , going about the business of watching and imitating human beings, I have always wanted to be like those kind and generous people. 

I have never made it! 

I am too stroppy, difficult and often paranoid. Hyper-vigilant and wary of others. My trust mechanisms were shattered.

That is not an excuse, it is a source of irritation, and I know is a legacy of wicked, catholic indoctrination and clergy abuse, and despite my best efforts I still struggle with it!

I have always based by judgements on my “gut” feelings, not quite trusting words, and yet knowing also that my “guts” aren’t always reliable!

But I have NEVER heard anyone of a religious persuasion saying or doing anything I would want to imitate - there is nothing vaguely attractive about their fervour. In fact I find it at best well meaning ignorance , at worst something far more sinister. Rarely do they “walk the walk” but they do an awful  lot of talking!

I have NEVER been comfortable with authority - a common feeling for  abuse survivors.I get in a cold sweat if I have to have anything to do with anyone who considers they are in authority!  Just look at the the pope and his minions who are so duplicitous!(and we KNOW how their words are cheap and meaningless!)

I rarely trust politicians I think they are a special “breed” and all have their own agendas.

I have also been  shocked to find that even in the world of survivors there are many I would not want to emulate.The career survivors, the egocentric, the self opinionated. Perhaps all of them displaying symptoms of their own abuses, but, I expect like me,  not easy to be around!
Thankfully there are also the thoughtful, the generous and compassionate.

So there’s no doubt that when looking for role models, it’s  Humility for me that is the key, people who are balanced and  gentle, yet able to fight when needed,but with a clear and undiluted aim.

Peter Tatchell, a principled decent human being, spending his whole life fighting for human rights,  and so many of those human rights activists.

Many of the overseas Humanists that I have just met, helping others often at great risk to themselves.
Professor AC Grayling, who manages to dispense huge wisdom without a hint of arrogance. 

All the lovely people who work “behind the scenes” happy to play a part without a spotlight.

The lady who made me a casserole when I lost my son, and just put it on the doorstep.

The builders who my daughter worked with at the Royal Marsden cancer hospital , who were so touched by what they saw, they began a big fund raising campaign.

The unsung heroes everywhere.

Give me the humble generous honourable ordinary people every time, maybe if I stick around them, I can “act as if” - until enough of it rubs off! 

But from where I am-  I fear is a bit like climbing Everest in a snowstorm with both legs tied together!

Prison!

I thought I had heard it all! I thought I was beyond being speechless when I listen to some of the garbage churned out on the radio and TV!  But NO!

I have just listened to the report about the “crisis” in our prison service, the violence etc.etc. etc.

Various things were blamed. overcrowding, low staffing violent prisoners etc.

I have been commissioned to teach in our prison service for over twenty years, I have seen many changes, mostly instigated by people who know absolutely NOTHING about the day to day running of a prison.Their ignorance is astonishing.

Seasoned officers who know the system and the prisoners inside out are disregarded, undervalued and their professional understanding ignored.

Highly qualified professionals with a track record of superb intervention programmes are sidelined and demoralised , morale is at it’s lowest.

They say there is low recruitment, well hardly surprising when existing officers are so unrecognised, and given such undeserved bad press.

I have always found the prison staff to be hard working, honourable and professional, and  often are great role models.

And Chris Grayling, the prize moron who is supposedly the responsible minister is widely and correctly despised by those who have devoted much of their lives to effective prison regimes.

And Now to top it all He has the bloody, appalling, disgusting, sickening audacity to blame overcrowding on the number of sex offenders jailed since the Jimmy Saville affair!!!!!!!

WTF!

Does he really have the nerve to blame his incompetence on the incarceration of a few aging celebrities.Is our system really failing because Rolf harris is taking up all the space?

Is he REALLY going to apportion some of the blame for his incompetence on sex abuse victims daring to bring these criminals to book? 

How much more can we be blamed for?

NO - The problem is that he is USELESS and he should hand the job back to those dedicated prison staff who know what they are doing and shut the F up!

Loud and Proud!

Writing about my grandchildren and putting my “boastful” pictures on my  Facebook page makes me very proud, very grateful but also very wistful.

The whole issue of children is a big one for me, having had six of them!

Interestingly it is a long time since anyone questioned the fact that I have six children, but recently someone “sniffed”  and  said that “ I was “naughty”! having such a big family!

Well of course I took no notice, the person knows nothing about me or my background and actually was of no consequence to me. But it did make me reflect on the reality of being a mother t of six..

I cannot pretend to have been a good parent, I was a  pretty crazy damaged disturbed freak for most of my teens and early adult life.

I escaped from an abusive home into a violent and unsuitable marriage, aged seventeen when I was not even in command of my own senses.

My ex- husband and I should never have had children together,we were both inadequate to the task,  but we did -  and when he left , I was alone with six children under twelve, no money, no family and very little clue!

The fact that they survived is no doubt more by luck than good management,most of what I have learned about childcare was learned long after they had grown up !

But I DID and DO love them more than my life, and I am in awe of their resilience and achievements.

There may indeed be a lot of them, but  I supported them in whatever way I could, I didn’t claim benefits, I did a variety of crap jobs, many things  I hated.

I  may have made quite a carbon  “footprint” etc. etc.

But I prefer to look at how many people will benefit from my large and wonderful family.

My eldest daughter is a seasoned psychotherapist, who  I KNOW has helped many many people. She is also a great Mother.

My son served his country in the Coldstream Guards, and is now an engineer, - He also is THE most supportive and caring husband of a desperately ill wife.He is an inspiration.

Another son is a Senior University lecturer, has educated many young people, and in his “spare time” is also a qualified psychotherapist.He also voluntarily mans Gay switchboard. 

My next daughter is Assistant Head in a large London school, where she passionate about education for everyone, and has supported so many kids. She is honourable and kind.

My youngest son, despite being chronically disabled fought for his  degree in sound management, is a fabulously talented young man but more than anything his acceptance of his illnesses, his gentleness and his humour  makes everyone around him feel like a better person.

Had my older son lived beyond his nineteenth year, he would, I know,  have made a wonderful life, he was funny,  compassionate and fair, would have been a great social  worker perhaps, and a wonderful father.I know from his many friends how he touched lives.

My oldest Granddaughter, about to go to University to study Maths with a view to becoming a teacher, took a gap year and volunteered to work with very poor children in Bolivia.My Grandsons I am sure will shine as much.

So I am not in the least bit worried about having been “naughty” having my lovely big family - because if the chaos theory is correct and the flap of a butterfly’s wing in India can affect  a hurricane in Mexico- Then my children have affected and will continue to affect a great many people and be a great source of good in the World. - and of  that I am very proud.

What a weekend!

Just back from the World Humanist Congress in Oxford, and from saying goodbye to the delightful couple Sani and Shanti Gurung from Nepal that I was hosting.

I was very sad that the conference was over, not only hearing the wonderful and moving inspirational speakers but chatting with and sharing it all with old friends and new,  such lovely, like minded people.

My friend Shanti from Nepal and her husband were such a joy, and they opened my eyes again to what is REALLY important in life. They had such wonderful humour and dignity, wanted to share the chores and the small expenses, told us about their lives and listened to ours, and made me feel really humble.Within two days they felt like family.

Shanti had never seen a dishwasher! and doesn’t have a washing machine, no microwaves, no coffee machines, no food mixer or processor, no juicer. freezer etc. But it was just a source of interest to her, certainly NOT envy! Suddenly my fairly normal kitchen felt a bit overcrowded and a bit indulgent.

I remember once, years ago my son Patrick went to Russia, and was so shocked when realising that people of his age had so very little access to things he took for granted.He said when he came back that he “felt fat” he got into his “fat car” and went to his “fat flat” and went about his “fat life” His observations stuck in my head.

Shanti says she is well off, she has enough money to live and so she is able to spend her time doing “social work” for women, those who she say are very poor, have no property no money, no status and because of their poverty and lack of education are accused of witchcraft. She runs a co-operative lending women small amounts of money for entrepreneurial projects, making clothes, tailoring, hairdressing, etc. and they in turn help other women. She goes out into the mountain regions for days on end staying with these women teaching them about their rights and caring for themselves to “start to believe they really are “human beings”!

They gave me this wonderful clock they had made from bamboo with the Humanist emblem, which I will treasure,and many happy memories.

I am in awe of her. It was ME who was envious!

I heard many more inspiring people, from Africa, from Asia, South America, as well as Europe. People in real physical danger for speaking out about the appalling injustices in their countries.

Conference speakers are always wonderful, and of course  they are there usually not only because they are interesting, they are also able to speak in public, but  it is talking  to them afterwards that I love, and  for me it is always the “real” people that have taught me such a lot. Chatting with the lady from Gambia who is trying to stop female genital mutilation, the girl from Uganda who has been fighting for women’s rights, and the everyday people who were all there to support them. 

Such weighty and emotive subjects discussed, important issues raised - too many to talk about, and wonderfully interspersed with music, poetry and dance, and all in the beautiful and historic city of Oxford, where I imagine “Morse” will round the corner any moment!

Big names of course - always nice to hear Professor AC Grayling  Richard Dawkins, Steven Law, Peter Tatchell, Jim Al Khalili  and my own particular favourite Professor Peter Atkins (who always inspires me and makes me want to learn even more science!)

Lots of nice book stalls, a beautiful “Atheist Shoe” seller! 

(I bought my grandson these “atheist” shoes!)

Lots of nice food and drinks (for those who do!) The whole of the beautiful Ashmolean for a drink reception and private viewing. 

Most importantly Food for THOUGHT!

Wonderful people who  put all my moans and groans into perspective.

An injection of gratitude and humility that I hope I have absorbed and will not lose sight of. 

Joy is the best revenge!

I meet a lot of inspirational people in my everyday, and I learn lessons all the time, often out of the blue. More often than not, those lessons are very close to home.

My  beautiful daughter in law is battling a particularly nasty cancer, she is only a young woman, and she has already undergone some radical and unpleasant treatments as she tries in the second year to beat the odds which had her and my son told that she very likely only had one year at best. 

There are many things that have inspired me about them both, especially her incredible bravery and his unswerving devotion. 

But what I am thinking about at the moment is their daily mantra!

What my son said to me when it seemed they had few choices was 

“O.K. then so we will Wring the Fuck out of life!”

And that is exactly what they are doing! they have travelled to America three times this year, been to lots of concerts, have picnics, go to the rugby at Twickenham, the cricket at the Oval, have tea on the beach, see all of their many friends as often as they can, and laugh a LOT. 

Made me think what a shame if we need to wait for  a lousy prognosis before we learn to “Wring the Fuck  out of life!” 

As atheists, with absolutely no belief in any afterlife, so knowing that THIS IS IT! -

Why the hell do we behave as if there is all the time in the World! 

Why do we spend endless hours doing stuff we don’t want to do, being with people we don’t want to be with?

As a survivor why would I still spend years being manipulated by the puppeteers in the vatican as they play their PR games with our vulnerabilities?

Why would I want to be “ in dialogue” with them or “exploring the issues” with them? wasting my precious and limited time!

As my survivor friend Andy said to me recently “JOY is the best revenge!”

I have survived the worst betrayal of body and trust, and am here  certainly with no thanks to them, and so despite them - and to spite them , I choose to turn my back on them completely and get on with the job of 

Wringing  the Fuck out of life!

Abara Cadabra !

So it appears, according to the catholic church, that if we allow our children to read fairy stories, or watch fantasy films we are in danger of them not being able to tell truth from fiction.

They will even grow up believing that all of these characters are real! 

Can you imagine that!! 

I know they would not allow “Harry Potter” in my grandchildren’s catholic school library! 

So by the same token, I am waiting for them  to  withdraw from their schools all of their bibles, and religious texts, and all of those violent  fantasy stories ! Otherwise we may have another  whole generation  not knowing what is fact and what is fiction.

They may even believe those characters to be REAL!  A damn sight more scary!!

Then with all those empty shelves and open minds they can  make room for some decent REAL evidence based scientific books, or some  insightful philosophy books that might suggest that our children all have a BRAIN and they should be taught critical thinking.

Then we may have half a  chance of a generation that is not governed by imaginary friends like the Wizard of OZ ruling with fear and promises of reward in the next life, and who, like the narcissistic Rumplestiltskin stamps and screams  when thwarted, when  like that rounded and sensible  little boy we recognise the Emperors new clothes are not there!