An Uncarved block

Today I saw a beautiful scan picture of my unborn grandchild! 

My lovely daughter, Siobhan is expecting her first baby in April, and we are so thrilled and very excited! Especially I suspect, my other two beautiful teenage grandchildren who will be wonderful with him (or her!)

Looking at that amazing  three months scan, and seeing that little face and his/her brain which is perfectly developed and just showing,I am struck with absolute awe. 

The understanding of the Human brain is my area of absolute passion, and as I see my grandchild’s actually before my eyes, I marvel at the complexity and power of it, and how that baby at this moment is an “uncarved block” 

This baby, I  know will be loved, cared for, well looked after, educated without dogmas, protected and cherished, it will be valued for the unique irreplaceable individual  that it is, and will bring us all great joy. It will be shown the “Wonders of the World” rather than subjected to  the misery.

I am overwhelmed with the absolute imperative to protect these precious innocent lives, and probably even more poignantly so because my own entry into the World, and the subsequent traumas  were so different.

My own birth was shrouded in secrecy(I think money changed hands!) and I was brought up in fear and guilt and abuse.They even changed my name. apparently my real name was Christine, but they changed it to Susan.

When my beautiful eldest daughter had her  first daughter, she called her Christina! 

She told me that it had so appalled her that they had even taken away my name, she somehow wanted to claim that name back for me! I don’t know if I ever told her how much that gesture meant.

When I think of the damage done by so called “men of god” I am sickened and even further incensed tonight. I have always wondered about that saying “what goes around comes around” especially since I see the evil of the church never punished never addressed.

No one on earth has the right to take away that innocence, to carve their evil on that uncarved block,  and imprint it there for ever. 

If I believed in Hell, I would gladly hope they would rot in it.(thankfully I can now see that Hell was another of the fears they laid  on us!)

My own six children were my life, but thanks to that church,and it’s predatory priest, they were burdened with a very damaged Mother, and I am sure they are the wonderful human beings they are now only by sheer luck, rather than good management! 

I always seemed to be like Taurus in the China shop of life.

But they are breaking that destructive cycle, they are restoring our family to wholeness and  

tonight I am very proud.

There was a time when there was a distinct possibility that I wouldn’t live to see this turning around, I would have been dead from drink or drugs,quite disturbed , I was always a tragedy waiting to happen. 

It was their love and the need to try and be there for them, no matter how inadequately, that saved my life. I am so proud of the six beautiful human beings that I gave life to, and their children. 

Grandchildren are the most wonderful things in the World, they love you ,and allow you to put a few things right that you maybe got wrong the first time around.

When I first got sober, my sponsor , and friend,  Peter told me that as long as I stayed grateful, I would stay sober!  And I am not always grateful, I get too busy and complacent and forget.

But tonight I am indeed so grateful. Not to a god, but to all the wonderful human beings that have influenced me and still surround me.