"Forthcoming" Book!

My forthcoming book is titled  "Unholy Alien" !!!
(to be fair it has been "forthcoming" for a couple of years now!

I don't know about any of you, but when I was taught Physics at school it was taught so badly and was appalling! I didn't learn very much science  despite being at my snobby grammar school, apart from how to make pretty pictures with magnets and iron filings, and something else about tuning forks (not a clue what!) so I dropped physics like a ton of hot bricks as soon as I was able. The fact that  I was already a mental and emotionally disturbed teenager, quite suicidal and terrified of school  did not help! 

But as I have grown and recovered from my early traumas, indoctrinations and creationist nonsense, I realise that missing out on learning science properly was such a dreadful  shame.

If anyone had told me back then that I was "made of stardust" I might have stayed around in those physics lessons to find out why. Stayed to hear the rest of the wonders of the Universe as seen through the eyes of science. 

I do that now of course, but I can't help being furious  that I missed so many years of all that wonder.

I believe that  a wonderful way to start anyone's recovery from childhood abuse, is to strip everything back down to the absolute basics, begin with the real evidence  - that we are made from the stars, and that we are each one of us a unique irreplaceable individual. There has never been anyone exactly like you before, and there never will be again! 

You are a "One off". Starting there, knowing this,  is hopeful and exciting.

All the other piles of crap that were layered  upon me had to be really stripped down to this in order for me to make any real sense of my existence. I had been  blinded for many years, and desperately fumbling around in the dark for answers.

I have been many things in my life, and tried many roads to recovery, and I think I learned a little from each one, absorbing the best of each. But it has been re-discovering and falling in love with science that has made the lasting difference,  learning that I am part of nature, part of the universe, part of the stardust that makes everything, that has finally made me feel I have some  worth, some sense of belonging when for many years I felt like an alien in this  world that I so badly wanted to be part of.

So  in the  book that I am writing, my intention is to explore objectively the damages done to me and others like me, taking out all of the emotive nonsense, and using  the scientific evidence, (along with some  tips and tricks I have  learned in my other roles and professions as I stumbled into something resembling wholeness !)  to create a stellar  "5 star" recovery programme that all survivors - no matter where they come  from can use in order to regain their own "stardust" existence. 

The scientific principle  to me is the only way to do this, and so with solid  evidence, and help from some people who are so much cleverer than I, we can perhaps ignite the passion for freedom and wonder that we have lost sight of during our ordeals. 

Along with all of the other cruel lies that kept me tied to that narcissistic catholic regime, I think one of the worst is not allowing me to know the wonderful magical truth of my  existence. 

I am making up for a LOT of lost time, and I want to pass on a cross pollination of thoughts and inspirations that have helped me! 

Keeping it simple !

I am saddened by all of the  divisive fighting that has occurred between survivors over this wretched Government "enquiry". There are damaged people battling with equally damaged people over who said what  to whom and and who is "right." 
When actually it is all so complex there can be no "right" way. There is bitterness and "hostage taking" and a lot of pain.
It was ever thus.
And it is one of the very real reasons  why this terrible crime has never really been addressed to anybody's satisfaction.
It is instinctive as a survivor to " fight" - that has been one of the dreadful legacies of abuse. We are constantly hyper-vigilant, constantly in fight or flight mode, and  often have been so downtrodden that we also get into jostling for pole position.
Over the decades there have been very many "organisations" grown up, and they nearly all suffer the same fate, they implode because of the collective damage of the individuals and each person's (quite understandable) mistrust.
It is one of the things that has kept giving the church a "get out of jail free card", they are canny enough to know that if they stall and deflect long enough, then their victims will destroy themselves without any input from them.When we fight we play right into their hands.
It is also natural for individual survivors to want their OWN voice, that which has been denied them for so long. There can be  no such thing as a collective voice, our own voice  is what was taken from us in the first place.and so we will fight again to be heard.
It is a dilemma, and it doesn't seem to be abating any time soon,  and that is a shame, because it makes survivors appear inadequate , and will perpetuate people's pain  even longer.
I am not saying this from any "Ivory tower!"  I am quite capable of fighting like a tiger, or even dirty when I am threatened! I STILL have that legacy!
But it NEVER does me any good, I  never feel at peace, all I feel is more anger.When I feel that anger coming up into my throat, I have to try and transform it in some way, because it WILL cause me more pain! I don't always manage it- but then I am still a work in progress! I do have choices these days.
I think that is one of the reasons that  I feel so very close to my deaf and speech impaired friends in Verona, we can only ever communicate on a very basic level, we don't have a very complicated common language so we never get into "politics" or hidden agendas. All we can do is connect in a beautiful simple way, with our hearts.
When I first heard their stories, I was of course shocked by the crimes committed against them, but what impressed me more than anything was their dignity, their bravery and their HUMOUR! 
They joked and bantered with each other and it was infectious.
I never got a great deal of satisfaction out of "demonstrating" in Rome, apart from meeting others who were like minded, the  demonstration was a a fruitless effort! No one really listened to any of the speeches, or the words of wisdom, largely because there were so many languages involved, and the words have all been said before.
We didn't get anywhere by meeting with Frederico Lombardi, he didn't hear a word we said and he was there to  get some publicity at our expense. But we all smiled at each other as we lit our lanterns, and we sang together to the loud and irreverent  music!
The following year we didn't protest at all! We celebrated! and we set off hundreds of chinese lanterns into the sky over Rome and dance with each other in the Piazza Castel Saint Angelo just pleased to reconnect and share a special magical moment. 

There is no dignity or gentleness in fighting, there is only more fighting! I for one crave the gentleness that my abuses didn't allow me. 
There is  a great deal of beauty and value in a simple kind gesture, a hug,  a smile,  a dance,  a hand held. 
I am distancing myself from all of the fighting, all of the opinions and the battles, we all know that we have been cruelly treated and unfairly dealt with, but for me, dwelling constantly on that will not allow me any peace. 
I will instead, be hoping to connect to my fellow travellers in all of the simple  gentle ways that allow me to feel an affinity, and make me smile.

Super Power!

I read something today where someone  remarked how  it was so “difficult” to work with survivors of abuse-  because even after years and years  “they still  have HUGE mistrust”

And your point is? Your expectations what?

It may  be difficult for you to “work with” but it is a bloody sight harder to live with!

Try being constantly on “ hyper alert “, in “fight or flight”  mode perpetually,.

Try NOT to see people as threatening when everything in your being is screaming RUN!

Try living your entire life, feeling unworthy.. 

Try feeling isolated from the rest of the Human race because of  dark and shameful secrets.

Try being made to feel shame and embarrassment when you finally try and speak about your damage.

Try being shunned when you keep quiet, and shunned when you speak out

Try watching what happened to you and others like you played out on televisions or newspapers to be  scrutinised and judged.

Try being doubted, dismissed, alienated.

Try managing despite those burdens to find a way to stay alive and forge some kind of decent existence, even make a valuable contribution.

Then TRY and listen to some bloody idiot say “you are “difficult” to work with”

The thing about mistrust is far deeper and far reaching than those few words portray.

That I learned far too early that people could be cruel and untrustworthy, hypocritical and veneered with outward benevolence, only served to make me trust NO-ONE and to look after myself.

The fact that I have done that, and I still do that may be “difficult” to work with - but it is my survival skill you sanctimonious prat!   My own personal  “Super Power!” 

Don’t even THINK about taking that from me! 

Stick the pity!

Don’t you think that PITY is just the most demeaning,  insulting emotion? 

Since I spoke out about being a clergy abuse survivor I have come across this attitude much too often, usually from  people who have very little knowledge of the subject and make the  “Two blokes in the pub” assumptions.

Don’t get me wrong, I have also been overwhelmed by the support from REAL compassionate people of integrity and decency, (and I have to say they have almost exclusively  been atheists, humanists, secularists! )

But I have been embarrassed on more than one occasion by others who mistake “PITY” for compassion, and who want to run the show rather than stand in solidarity. 

I have been insulted by those who want to pray for me because they presume that I have a desire to be “reunited” with that appalling  church, even pitying my exclusion! 

What arrogance to think  that  having experienced the church’s narcissism I would  still have anything to do with them? 

It is actually shaming for  people like me to be “PITIED” as if we are incapable victims with low intellect and few resources.

Survivors are actually very strong in many ways, we have honed those survivors skills out of necessity.

Lets face it,we have pretty much always had to look after ourselves, it is only recently that there is a flurry of interest in our cause! And even that comes with all sorts of agendas!

So having battled through  pretty much on our own, - despite the betrayals and life destroying experiences, the last thing we need is PITY! 

That demeaning attitude is even  reinforced every day by many “survivor organisations” who  are making careers out of their fellow survivors, presuming that they are a step ahead in some way.

I was recently sent a flyer by a friend in Australia  that is regularly distributed by a large child abuse charity here in the UK , and I have never heard such patronising condescending claptrap in my life! Negative and disempowering, it is presumptuous and disgraceful.

That “The two blokes in the pub” with their limited knowledge get it wrong is bad enough, but when people who should know better and who constantly  “fundraise”  in order to perpetuate their own agendas and exploit fellow survivors it is far worse. 

And all they actually offer is PITY! wrapped up in a cloak of assumed knowledge and their own hubris and grandiosity.

To top all of that these people are metaphorically “rattling their begging tins” in competition with charities of REAL need, and who are actually DOING some good! Then they relegate their fellow survivors to the role of victim where they will experience  again that feeling of being inadequate and of little consequence.

Real Survivors don’t do that! Real Survivors are standing shoulder to shoulder with each other, and sharing their strengths. Real Survivors are using those  strengths to help in all areas of life, all manner of fields, not feeling they alone have the monopoly on suffering. Real Survivors don’t put their trust in those who disempower them, instead they celebrate each survival, each unique irreplaceable human being, knowing that despite repression and against all of the odds they are alive!

I for one didn’t go through all of that shit to be pitied! 

I actually PITY those who are still in the grips of that abusive church, and cannot see the wolf for the sheep’s clothing.

Jump off the toxic merry go round!

It is no great secret that I began my journey into recovery with the help of AA. Before I could have dealt with all of the abuse stuff (and the rest), I had to deal with that which was killing me! I owe my life to the people in that fellowship, and the wisdom therein. 
I learned a great deal from the simplicity and pocket wisdom of people also in recovery, and I was able to stomach the things about it that I couldn't agree with, because of the humanity and indeed humility of the people. For example, I do not believe in god, or any other "higher power" outside of this world, neither do I  agree that I continue to be   "powerless" and I certainly therefore could not, as the third step of AA demands "hand over my life and will to the care of god as I understand him". I was sick of the negativity of having to dwell on  all my "shortcomings" and "character defects" and I had to stop being a professional "blame acceptor" 
So there was an inevitable time  when I had to "graduate,"  and move on from that "E.R." into the real world.
I did take along with me a lot of gems that have helped me over the years and can  be used by anyone in  times of any kind of difficulty. 
So for example every meeting of AA or NA ends with the "serenity prayer" and we were  urged to "use the word "god" as we understand it" Well I never did use the word, I don't pray, because I do not have any belief  or interest in a mythical being, so I missed  out the word altogether.
I do however think there is great wisdom in its simple message to:
"Have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change , the  courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference! 
I have had occasions over the last few days to think about this more deeply, while talking to two different  people who have got very "stuck" trying to resolve an intractable problem and going round and round  again, like a merry go round, never reaching a solution and making the same mistakes over again. 
We so easily keep banging our heads on a brick wall in the hope of a different outcome, when the ONLY thing to do is accept we cannot change it.
Jump off that merry go round!
In my fight back to life, I have always had to be very tough on myself, - black and white - no shades of grey. If something is poisonous I believe you have to stop taking it! whether that is a chemical, a situation, a person, or  a church!
If something is toxic it will remain so, and I have to cut it out! 
I also learned the cliche "If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always got! and that has stood me in good stead too.
It is pointless trying to change the narcissistic church, that much is something I have absolutely accepted! I will not waste another ounce of my energy banging my head on that particular brick wall!
So I had to find the courage to change the things I can - myself,  my attitude to them, and to empower my own recovery from their abuses,and particularly  keep away from all toxicity.
With that rule of thumb, the wisdom to know the difference then becomes very easy.

January Sucks!

 January always make me a bit weird, and a lot miserable! It is a month I dread, being the month that I lost my son Nick, just 10 days before his 20th birthday.  Now Nick is no more dead on the date of his anniversary, January 18th than he is every other day, but somehow that date, the miserable weather, the greyness, the damp, puts me right back to that greyest time of my life. That is why I am posting it a day early! I know I will be a wreck on Sunday!
Anyone who has ever had a child will tell you that to lose him or her is their worst nightmare. 
Anyone who has ever lost a child will tell you the nightmare is far worse than you could possibly have imagined.
Every year I write something about him around his anniversary, you would think that I would have run out of things to say about him by now. But every year when he isn't here, I think of so many things he has missed, the things I have missed sharing with him, and of course those things mount up with  each year that passes! The people who weren't born  yet who he would have loved, his two nephews and niece who would no doubt have been the apple of his eye. Two Brothers in law and a sister in law he never met, no doubt he would have been nagging his brother to marry his wonderful partner now that same sex marriages are possible- he would have wanted  to be  their best man! 
I wonder what he would have thought about I pods? (I know quite a few songs that would be on his!) 
I wonder what he would have made of Facebook (I know his would have been full!) 
I KNOW what he would have thought of terrorists, freedom of speech, LGBT rights, Human rights, Animal rights, unfairness and inequality in all things. I know that he would have been loved and have given so much love, as he always did.
It is a myth to say things get better over time, one simply manages to find a few tricks to cope.
I  have always thought it a bit unkind when someone old dies and people say "He had a good innings" meaning a long life. When actually the longer someone has been in your life , the harder it is to lose them.
Equally, the longer someone you love has been dead, the longer the pain, the heavier the burden.
I am reminded of a story  of a teacher who held a glass of water up in front of her class as the class began.They all presumed she was going to ask the "glass half full or half empty " question. But instead she asked them "How heavy is this glass of water"? They shouted out the answers, ranging from 8oz to 20oz. 
But as she explained "The absolute weight doesn't matter, it all depends on how long I have been holding it. If I hold it for a minute I will hardly notice it, but if I have to hold it for an hour my arm will start to ache, if I had to hold it for a day, my arm would feel numb and  paralysed. In each case the weight of the glass doesn't change, but the longer I hold it the heavier it becomes".
The worries and stresses and traumas of life are a lot like that, if we think about them for a minute they are almost bearable, if we think about them longer they really start to hurt, if we think of them all day long, we become paralysed and unable to do anything. 
With some of our  worries and  pain we can put the burdens  down - let go of them. With other things like losing a child,  it would be impossible, so we have to find ways to function despite our being paralysed.
Most of the time my broken heart doesn't show, I have my armour in place, the guard is up, I can even talk about what happened to him without crying. But in unguarded moments, a snippet of music, a facial expression from one of his brothers or sisters, bumping into one of his school friends out of the blue can destroy me in seconds.
The world is poorer for losing Nick and people like him, and in January I feel the  poorest of all, and that glass of water weighs ten tons.

                           

Must stop whinging!

It is funny how lessons just "come at you"! That is, I suppose if you see them as lessons and not setbacks!
It is also funny how one thought sets of another train of thought and on and on.
This week I was shocked to learn that a post I had re-shared about Muslims in Britain, quite innocently, had originated from a neo -nazi organisation that seems to manipulate these videos for maximum fear. Using hate tactics and firing people up with their distortions. I quickly removed it, and felt sickened when I researched their organisation.
One of the sites that has been "exposing" them, has a logo showing a large lion and a slogan that says "Be part of the Pride - Not the Prejudice"! I love it! I know it has been used by others, Gay pride and even a video game, but how I read it was more about my country, where  Jane Austin was born,  and where there is a tendency at the moment to moan about our lot!
Now I can't lay claim to being "Proud" of what is great about Britain, that would imply that I had anything to do with it! It is, after all accident of birth!Nor would I disagree that there are times in our history that we shouldn't be too proud of! Nor do I not see there are things still that we need to protest and change!
But I have to say it did make me think about my environment, and how fortunate I am to live in a country which (despite it's shit weather ) is relatively moderate, with free speech, freedom of movement, great history, rich diversity, lots of tea shops,  no gun laws, no identity cards etc.
I would be a liar if I said I wasn't proud of the 20,000 people who turned out in 2010 to protest against the pope's visit! I cannot either say I wasn't proud and honoured to speak to begin that march and to hear it dedicated to all the victims of catholic clergy abuse!I have never seen anything quite like that anywhere! On that day I was VERY proud to be British! 

And as I am on my grateful train of thought, I think about where I actually live.In five minutes I can be in the woods or up on the hills, being able to see five counties.
In 15 minutes I can be in Stratford on Avon, walking blindly past Shakespeare's birthplace on my way to Mark's and Spencer's! In ten minutes I can be at Warwick castle, the finest of medieval castles. In 40 minutes I can be in the centre of Oxford, with it's dreaming spires, wonderful colleges where so many amazing people have studied, and of course Morse! In twenty minutes I can be in the middle of the Cotswolds, with it's pretty villages and streams, in one hour I can be in London, my favourite city in the whole world, and in one hour I can even be in Downton! So today I am grateful for my environment and  that today I don't expect to be arrested, or flogged, or jailed or slaughtered, and I am thinking so much about people who are not as fortunate, and who maybe I can support in some small way. I hope too that I remember to stop whinging!