It is no great secret that I began my journey into recovery with the help of AA. Before I could have dealt with all of the abuse stuff (and the rest), I had to deal with that which was killing me! I owe my life to the people in that fellowship, and the wisdom therein.
I learned a great deal from the simplicity and pocket wisdom of people also in recovery, and I was able to stomach the things about it that I couldn't agree with, because of the humanity and indeed humility of the people. For example, I do not believe in god, or any other "higher power" outside of this world, neither do I agree that I continue to be "powerless" and I certainly therefore could not, as the third step of AA demands "hand over my life and will to the care of god as I understand him". I was sick of the negativity of having to dwell on all my "shortcomings" and "character defects" and I had to stop being a professional "blame acceptor"
So there was an inevitable time when I had to "graduate," and move on from that "E.R." into the real world.
I did take along with me a lot of gems that have helped me over the years and can be used by anyone in times of any kind of difficulty.
So for example every meeting of AA or NA ends with the "serenity prayer" and we were urged to "use the word "god" as we understand it" Well I never did use the word, I don't pray, because I do not have any belief or interest in a mythical being, so I missed out the word altogether.
I do however think there is great wisdom in its simple message to:
"Have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change , the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference!
I have had occasions over the last few days to think about this more deeply, while talking to two different people who have got very "stuck" trying to resolve an intractable problem and going round and round again, like a merry go round, never reaching a solution and making the same mistakes over again.
We so easily keep banging our heads on a brick wall in the hope of a different outcome, when the ONLY thing to do is accept we cannot change it.
Jump off that merry go round!
In my fight back to life, I have always had to be very tough on myself, - black and white - no shades of grey. If something is poisonous I believe you have to stop taking it! whether that is a chemical, a situation, a person, or a church!
If something is toxic it will remain so, and I have to cut it out!
I also learned the cliche "If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always got! and that has stood me in good stead too.
It is pointless trying to change the narcissistic church, that much is something I have absolutely accepted! I will not waste another ounce of my energy banging my head on that particular brick wall!
So I had to find the courage to change the things I can - myself, my attitude to them, and to empower my own recovery from their abuses,and particularly keep away from all toxicity.
With that rule of thumb, the wisdom to know the difference then becomes very easy.
"Resistance is not a matter of intellect, rather it is a question of access to the true self. " Alice Miller.
ReplyDeleteWe can lose access to our true selves as children when we endure chronic mistreatment or extended trauma. We have to suppress much of who we are just to survive.
Organised religions that are Power Structures know this well. It is their very foundation.
To stand forwards as a Survivor/thriver we have to regain access to that true self, which is usually accurate,
As I like to say the child that tells the adult he or she doe snot like Brussels Sprouts is not lying.
Your words Sue, are as ever insightful, clear and you carry so much in brevity.
ReplyDelete