The "compensation" stigma

I have just read the report about three hundred new clergy child abuse cases in Belgium. No big surprise there  really as  daily there are more and more cases coming to light. And there are thousands more yet to come.

What has irritated me, yet again, is the language used when describing why victims wait for many years to come forward.It shows shallow thinking and plain ignorance. 

It reads:

”The great majority of complainants were mature adults, having waited before coming forward after the Church fell into scandal over recent years and with compensation now an issue”

Once again, it is implied that survivors are “crawling  out of the woodwork” because of “compensation” 

This is so bloody offensive! The facts are that most people have been absolutely terrified to come forward, for so many reasons:  fear, shame, embarrassment, guilt, having been threatened, being mentally ill, having memory blackouts, worried  about the repercussions,being disbelieved, frightened of the stigma and on and on....

The truth is that many of us have been able to come out about our abuses only because other brave people have shown us that it is possible.

It took a few courageous individuals to be the first  to stand and tell their horror stories making  it possible for others to do the same. The fact that the floodgates are now open is just indicative of the enormity  of the crimes.

Regarding “compensation” I also find it offensive that people should feel stigmatised if they seek recompense for the crimes committed against them.

So the church destroys someones life, and then forces more  loss of self esteem that comes with seeking redress!

What else should they ask the church for? To be prayed for? Patronised? Their trauma trivialised?, Further abused? 

 The church, after all , has NOTHING else that is of any use to us, and were responsible for taking away innocent childhood, and leaving people  broken, brain damaged, physically and emotionally scarred. That damage even stretching to the next generations.

 Neither are they inclined, or indeed vaguely interested in making amends, their arrogance knows no bounds.They will duck and dive, delay ,cover up and  lie,  and only in the very last instance, when they have worn the person right down, and  when they are absolutely  cornered , like rats in a trap, will they offer anything, usually  as little as they can get away with, rather than as much as they could possibly do.They will never do anything voluntarily. Of course they should be made to pay!  

Balance  is a cosmic law! 

No doubt , those who take the  moral high ground against victims who seek a legal judgement will say that “money won’t fix it” 

Well of course it bloody won’t!

 But in many cases it make the burden they carry lighter, make recovery more possible. Many survivors have had their education interrupted , their career choices limited, their potential destroyed. ~Many of them have been unable to build up pension contributions, or health care insurances , have poor attendance records, have lost years through depression etc. etc. Many find it difficult to be with other people, their “trust barometers” are impaired, and so they isolate further.

 It is offensive  to suggest, or even imply,  that they are  some kind of predatory creatures who only emerge when money is mentioned! 

And frankly, even if that were so, they are simply  seeking the same curtesy that is afforded to every other victim of crime - recognition and the ability to go some way to   redress the imbalances that were forced upon them.

That does not meant to say the whole compensation business isn’t fraught with difficulties, and as yet no one has really come up with a perfect model to follow. 

I have very mixed views on the subject.

On one hand , it really galls me that anyone should have to accept grudging “charity” from a church that does not care about them, our pride is hard won, and needs to be preserved.

On the other, I know that this narcissistic organisation which is more concerned about it’s failing reputation and it’s obscene wealth should not be allowed to get away without making restitution.

I don’t pretend to have the ideal answers, and I know that each person has a different viewpoint. Each country has a different legal system, and their can be no “one fits all” solution.

The USA lawyers seem favour going for “millions”, and I am not actually knocking that, what price would you put on brain damage,immune and metabolic system damage shortened life span? 

That will not happen in the UK, our legal system simply does not allow for large payouts.

The reality in most  cases is that people may receive enough to pay for their 

toothpaste for life! 

When debating this dilemma  in Holland , someone once suggested  a ridiculous “sliding scale”  of abuse values !

So much for “touching”. another amount for “penetration” another for “multiple occasions” another for “oral  sex” ! 

An appalling idea, like a price list in a brothel! How offensive can you get!

I can only speak for myself. I know that if I were to have been given an amount of money when I was an active addict, I would have been dead by now. If I had not done the other ”work” on my sobriety, my recovery my messed up brain, money alone would have finished me off.

When I first came out about this, I don’t know what I expected,I know what I rather pathetically wanted was a metaphorical “warm blanket” to be wrapped around me, and for someone to say “ there there -  it’s over now” 

I wanted to put down the burden that I had been carrying for so many years, and have some peace. 

That is my hope for everyone, whatever stage they are at, that they can get a “warm blanket” and are able to put their burdens down.

The only thing I do know for sure is the church CANNOT dictate the terms! They cannot decide on who is worthy,and to what extent, they cannot offer to pay for “therapy” for anyone, they cannot offer “healing” 

It is patronising for them to suggest they can fix things.You can never find a solution in the middle of a problem, and they are the problem.

They  need to have it taken out of their hands once and for all, be TOLD what to do and begin to do the RIGHT THING.

It would also help if the media would edit their language! A novel idea would be for them to support this fight rather than judge!

Who's "Doing the Maths"?

I wonder how one gets a job dictating the outcome of court cases that profoundly  effect the lives of damaged people? 

I am told that there are years and years of training, a very difficult degree, and many more years of experience. I am told that you then need to have the right “background”, the right  “contacts” that you then have to be governed by codes of ethics and good practice. 

I wonder therefore why it is that the judges in courts that are dealing with the myriad of cases regarding the clergy abuse of children can be so utterly blinkered, can get it often so wrong?

I have already talked about their incorrect assessments and understanding of  the physiology of addiction, which  is so often a factor within this group of victims, I now want to think about how they have the sort of ignorance that would suggest that because a victim has “survived” then they can’t be that damaged! 

It seems that to fight for your life, and battle to find the life skills  in order to function is a clear indication that you were not that badly harmed!

 I wonder what on earth they base these assumptions on? 

Presumably they would suggest that each one of us has to be completely destroyed in every aspect of our life in order to be considered sufficiently damaged?

One of my friends, who had the most appalling clergy abuse experience, managed, against all the odds, to get a law degree, and become a lawyer.

Bad move according to the courts! “How can she be that badly traumatised if she could do that”!

Would they suggest that if ones’s legs were chopped off, and in sheer desperation you learned, painfully, to walk on your hands that there is no problem? 

Surely they cannot be suggesting that somehow there is a “silver lining” that we should be “grateful for small mercies,”? “Count our blessings”?  

I, myself didn’t get a professional qualification until I was in my forties, the prior years were spent either suffering from, or recovering from, the effects of my abuses, further compounded by my addictions which were a result of them. My childhood, teens,  twenties, and early thirties were pretty much taken away. But that didn’t mean I  wasn’t able to leaning to drive, support my family, know how to cook, play scrabble and change lightbulbs!

Do they imagine that every one of us has damage to our intellect? Despite the fact that  the parts of the brain which are damaged are not  the ones which enable us to acquire academic information?

Traumatic damage does not equate to poor intellect!

They should recognise  also, that one of the very common tricks the brain will use to protect us from the severity of sexual abuse  is to give us memory blackouts sometimes for many years, during which time we may well acquire a few skills!

Have they really no  understanding of our  need to perform in some area well, to have at least ONE arena where we can be in control? sometimes desperately  and obsessively.

Do they imagine that lawyers, scientists,  doctors and professors and brilliant academics in all walks of life don’t have mental health problems, or depression, addictions  or Obsessive Compulsive disorders? 

They don’t seem to have any comprehension  at all about the nature of trauma, especially when that trauma is the result of childhood sexual abuse.

So why are they the ones to make judgements? Why are they the ones to decide how much pain has been caused? Is it based on individual’s opinions?or simply archaic psychiatric reports which are always subjective?

Of course there is nothing wrong with having an opinion, I have them, we all have them, they are formed by  our individual experiences, our education, our  personal viewpoint. They are part of our survival arsenal.

But when you are dealing with this life threatening, life shortening, all damaging effects of childhood sexual abuse, you need to ditch your ego, get underneath those opinions and into the facts!

It has been proven that childhood sexual trauma damages brains (not intellect) It has been proven that a person’s immune system is impaired, their metabolic system damaged and their life expectancy reduced! these are the  current facts.

How many degrees does it take to be able to see what “The RIGHT THING” is? How much experience is needed to recognise loss of potential in real terms?

I suggest that they need to be taught properly about the cases they are charged with , start to look at this appalling crime with a full understanding of it’s severity, and be much more biased on the side of those who simply had no choice.

Either that or Give me the bloody job! 

Is it worth my time?

I just struggled to walk back from taking the dog out for a walk, my feet were hurting like mad I was wheezing away and I was very slow! I hate this business of getting old! 

Reminded me that I will be 66 in a couple of weeks, scary thought, but I guess the alternative is scarier!

I don’t know where that time has gone, but I do know one thing about time, and that is how precious it is!

One of my lovely friends David, who I  know is a very very busy chap, offered a while ago to help me with a Survivors Voice Europe project.I was a bit worried about it, knowing how much in demand he is for many other things.His girlfriend Annie, equally lovely, said to me “he thinks it is worth his time”.

And that’s the thing isn’t it, what I do needs to be “worth my time”

Is it worth my time to banging  my head against a brick wall trying to convince the church that they are narcissistic? Narcissists don’t care!

Is it worth my time to enter into dialogue with people who are just using it for their own ends? Furnishing them with yet  another delaying tactic .Only  wherever I can add a word or two that won’t be wasted, then that is it  worth my time.

Is it worth my time to stand in front of churches with photographs of my destroyed childhood? They just see it as an irritant! But it is worth my time to take my hat off to those that do it.

Is it worth my time to collect endless data about pedophile  priests??  If people don’t know yet that they are a corrupt bunch of criminals I guess they never will!  But It is worth my time to recognise that some people are hell bent on this quest.

My time is finite and so I have to have a rule of thumb 

“Will I achieve anything?”

“Will it help anyone” 

“What exactly is my agenda?”

If you are like me and you believe that this life is all you get, no second chances, no afterlife or vengeful fat old  beardy  bloke in the sky meting out punishments and rewards, then this time is really really precious.

Which is why I choose not to spend too much of it on  that ridiculous bunch of bigots in Rome, they have had far too much of my time already!

If it is true that even a reasonably long life consists of only 450,000 hours, and I have already  had about  350,000, and considering that I will probably sleep for a third of the ones that are left, it puts the whole thing into some sort of perspective.

How many hours have I spent overwhelmed with the miseries caused by my abuses at the hands  of a priest, how many hours crying, throwing up, getting drunk, wasted, how many hours of fear filled indoctrination, how many wasted on lies and ignorance, how many struggling with the results of poor choices, of unskilled behaviour.  How many hours filled with guilt for being human, waiting for a thunderbolt to get me, feeling lower than a snakes belly in the grass.

Missing out on the wonder of the Universe, because I was told that the here and now was of no significance and I should sacrifice it for the hereafter!

The hours that they took from my life I can never get back.

My family and friends are worth my time

Connections with other survivors are worth my time

Sharing skills and supporting others is worth my time

The truth is worth my time.

It is worth my time to add my name to calls for public enquiries and political interventions to bring these criminals to justice.

It is worth my time to open my eyes to other injustices around me too.

It is worth my time to try and share what I have learned .

Making the most of what the bastards  have left me is worth my time! 

Living a simple and joyful life is worth my time

(With maybe taking a few minutes of indulgence to stick two fingers up to the power hungry self  inflated bigots that are still getting away with murder!)

Who takes away the sins

Just back from USA and pretty much over my jet-lag! I had gone to Boston to support my survivor friend Helen who was in a documentary "Who takes away the sins" and asked me to go to it's first showing. 

Great to meet her, after SKYPING and e mailing for a while, and of course, great to catch up with my SV USA colleague Gary.

I really did go with an open mind, I didn't know what the documentary would be like, who had done it, and Helen hadn't seen the final result. It was to be shown twice, first night at the Boston museum of Fine Arts and the second evening in the Boston College (B.C. as it is known, which Gary quietly informed me  is a Jesuit college and should read Boston catholics!) 

The first night was in a beautiful auditorium and there were quite a few people there, a couple of lawyers who work in this field, a few "survivors" and others.

John and Susan are the ones who created the film, he is an ex-jesuit, she an ex-nun, married to each other and both work at BC. Introduced by them, and quite self congratulatory and  just a tad smug, but Hey Ho , they did make the film. 

The film was similar to most of its kind, "Victims " paraded, talking graphically about their nightmare, interspersed with clergy and ex-clergy giving their thoughts on the issue. Quite condescending I thought, but the people who had told their stories seemed grateful ( a little too grateful) for the opportunity to speak out.

The panel that followed was made up of people who were in the film, and there were the usual questions asked. Of course no conclusions reached.

My friend was a little nervous ,but she dealt with it all admirably. There was one particular survivor who's "testimony" had stuck out for me, he had been an orphan in a catholic institution throughout his appallingly abused and damaged childhood. He  was very distressed and also looked quite ill. He was seated ,somewhat insensitively I thought,next to an elderly priest who was shown in the film wearing an open necked shirt, but chose bizarrely to wear full clerical " power dress" for the evening. Jerry  found it difficult to be there and even more difficult to speak.

The whole thing ended and we went back to our hotel , chewing over what we had just seen. 

The following evening was very different, the same film, but this time in "B.C" surrounded by crucifixes similar effigies. A smaller crowd this time, and a different atmosphere entirely. 

This time John introduced the film, once again the two of them in self congratulatory mood . Now I was made aware of their agenda! He was clear that this was made from "within the church" because after all "WE ARE the church" 

    SHIT!

He went on to say how he was sure that this was going to be able to afford "closure" 

   Double SHIT!

How patronising and condescending can you get? 

It set the tone, and I watched it again with different eyes. I saw it for what it actually was,  smug exploitative patronising  victim porn. I was angry!

I was angry for my friend who I felt had been duped, I was angry for the other survivors who were re-victimised by the whole procedure, and I was bloody angry that smug self satisfied catholics thought this could offer "closure"  as if they are still in charge! And not the  bloody problem.

The clerical gear was still being worn, the survivor Jerry didn't come, he was apparent;y traumatised by the triggers the previous evening.  When I challenged the wearing of clerical garb in the midst of clergy abuse survivors and how that was a real trigger, it was as if I was speaking in Chinese, for all they could comprehend the insult.

At one point one of the ex-clergy said "I  encourage you to actually talk to these people" I wanted to add "Some of them can actually speak, and some are even potty trained and have stopped biting"

The film is called "Who takes away the sins" and there was a shot of a stained glass window of jesus depicted as a lamb, as a cello churned out  religious music . From my old catholic indoctrination days I remembered the prayer the "Agnus Dei"  or "Lamb of god" the next line being "Who takes away the sins of the world"

Shit!!! 

 I think it was actually quite disgusting.

 It was a naive and patronising attempt to seem compassionate and concerned. But it was clearly an attempt to convince others that there was something being done. The healing they talked about was for a damaged church! 

WTF

Later I heard a lot about the filming, it seems there was a great deal "edited" out, for example one of the priests ,who has been openly gay, talked about how homosexuality is rife within the priesthood, and is an open secret among them, -  that found it's way to the cutting room floor!

More disturbingly,  the survivor Jerry talked about how he so badly wants to die that he has "committed suicide"  by deliberately going out and contracting AIDS. That  bit of his interview was nowhere to be seen. 

So the sanitisation  was complete and  the real severity of the crimes was never aired at all.

Some people said they are "well meaning" but I do worry about that excuse, we know for example there are graveyards full of people who were the victims of others  doing the wrong thing for what they consider to be the right reasons.

I came away knowing categorically that the church can play NO part in any solution, it is after all the problem, and it is crucial that we see all of these abuses as the crimes they are and get the lawyers to bring these criminals to book and put them in prison where they belong.

The healing for survivors can only come from a safe source and the catholic church is very definitely NOT one of them.

Healing for the church is of no consequence to me and so I would not comment, save to say that if decent human beings want to change it, they should walk away from it and allow it to become extinct.

You Lucky bastard francis!

I have never been overly impressed with words, people’s attempts at profundity has always missed the mark with me.

I expect it was listening to so much unadulterated religious  bollocks as a child! In fact, I guess my  BS detector and cynical antaenna is always on red alert! 

But it is funny how some incidents seemingly, unrelated to me, have quietly shaped my life. 

Years ago, when I was expecting my first child, it was the year of the Aberfan disaster in Wales.

 A coal slag heap covered a school and killed many children and their teachers. It was the most shocking thing imaginable, many families lost more than one child, and the whole of the UK mourned. I was shocked, and upset, but I was watching the television with another woman who had herself four children, and she was sobbing her heart out, she couldn’t get her breath. In my naiveté, and aged 19, I thought she was going a “bit over the top” I comforted her, but was a bit embarrassed. 

It wasn’t until a couple of months later when I had my daughter, that I actually understood what she was feeling. She was relating to  every one of those deaths and feeling for every one of those Mothers. I began to feel as much pain. And then I was really embarrassed at my previous naiveté. Having a child had  opened a window in my heart.

A while later, when expecting my second child, I was asked to help out in a friend’s fish and chip shop, because she had hurt her back and couldn’t cope.

I felt quite sick, the greasy smell upset me and aggravated my morning sickness.But I persevered, and as I was folding all of the newspapers to wrap up the chips, I came across a Sunday newspaper that was running a big article about the holocaust . I sat and read it and then I saw the photographs, of Mothers lining up with their children holding their hands as they queued  to be shot. The piles of bodies, the abandoned clothes. Then I really threw up. Another window had  opened.

Those pictures are still in my head, and if I  think of them, even now I feel really  nauseous.

But of course I don’t think about them all of the time, because I am a human being, and  I get caught up in my own stuff and complacent. 

When I first stopped drinking, many years ago, someone told me that if I stayed grateful, I would stay sober. But of course I am not always grateful, I get complacent and forget how bad it was or how much worse it could have been.But I have always been grateful for the opportunity to help another addict if I get the chance.

I remember one of my sons years ago going to Russia, and he was shocked at how little ordinary people had. He said when he came back on his “fat plane” and got into his “fat car” and drove to his “fat house” he felt quite ashamed at how much he took for granted.It opened a window for him, and for me too hearing his stories. He had bought a painting off his host, and was grateful that he was able to do something without patronising.

 When my son died,The pain was more unbearable than anything I could ever have imagined, and as I gradually  got a little better a window again opened. 

I thought if I never did  anything selfish again in my life, I still couldn’t  do enough to make up for all of my early life’s complacency and ingratitude, the things I had taken for granted. But I am human, and I don’t remember all the time, and I forget  to be grateful.

Last night  I  watched “Comic Relief” and once again it has broken my heart. Watching children die of simple diseases and malnutrition and dirty water, as I filled a hot bath and soaked in it, took a mug of hot milk to my nice warm clean comfortable bed, after covering up my dog and giving him biscuits in his bed! It has opened that window  of gratitude again..The little bit of money I may be able to pledge is a pittance at the side of their needs, and that is so frustrating.

Sometimes when I am angry about my abuses, at the lost potential and the distorted life path, I wonder if we don’t sometimes think we have the monopoly on suffering? But I have been lucky to share a platform with others who are  also fighting a cause and it has opened my eyes to many other injustices, and I am grateful to them for that.

Now I am no Mary Poppins!  Mother Theresa and I have NOTHING  whatsoever in common ! Tim Minchin's "pope song" would be on top of my desert island disc requests,I swear a lot and I am sure I am extremely difficult to live with.

I have been responsible for causing pain and I have made many many mistakes.

 But I do feel grateful when I get the opportunity to give something to someone else. 

Not because I am special or different from anyone else, but because occasionally I get the opportunity to feel  human.

We all know how much nicer it is to be able to give than to receive. Most human beings are benevolent at their heart, we are a benevolent species, we would have not have survived this long if we were not.

So  as I  went  to bed, wondering if their IS any justice in the World, thinking about  the opulent and extravagant pantomime taking place in Rome, and the obscene wealth of the catholic church. I wondered  how many malaria nets would one of those bloody silly hats buy? How many vaccinations could be bought for the price of those designer red shoes?

If I was the new pope this morning (although I thank fuck I am not!) I would be SO bloody grateful, because I would know that if I sold the vatican, and all it’s treasures, opened up all the secret bank accounts and, after paying back to all the countries I had stolen from, started to pay for my expenses instead of expecting cash strapped Italy to support me in luxury, made amends to every priest abused person, undid the damage caused by missionaries,  I would still have enough to give the whole bloody lot away, and I could feed the World and know the real meaning of compassion.

I would be able to make a difference to all the lives that are so desolate, AND  I would be able to feel more happiness  than I have ever known, I would be elated for years !

So How lucky is Francis this morning! He can do all of that!

So surely that is what he will do?

(Will he Fuck!)

This is not about the church!

I keep being asked by the press about the resignation of the pope, and “how do we see this “new beginning”?  “what to we hope for”?  what would we expect to see? 

Well heres the thing.

We don’t expect anything! 

We see the resignation as a strategic one, and the “new beginning”  as nothing more than the usual game playing and  PR excercise, and one of the most audacious yet!  

And something else!

Even if the pope “owns up” even if the next one” clamps down” even if the whole wretched institution opens up it’s files and the cesspit therein, even if the ICC prosecutes, the UN has at last a moment of clarity -

We will still be left with hundreds of thousands of damaged, disaffected people, who will struggle, and still need some way of making sense of what has happened to them and how they can get through life the best they can.

This is NOT about the bloody church, it is not about the pope, or the cardinals, or the priests, our concern and our support and indeed our energy  will always  be saved for the SURVIVOR of these crimes, and their wellbeing. 

Those "Sacred Hands"

It’s hard to think about all the myriad of ludicrous ideas that were crammed into my unprotected mind as I grew up in the superstitious fiercely catholic household, where everything but breathing was sinful.

But as I reflect on the happenings of the last week,and I see a cardinal hold his hands up after being caught with his pants down, I am reminded of one of them! 

The priest’s “Sacred Hands”!

The priest who abused me was staying in our home, he was positively deified, as all priests were! He was held in absolute awe, we all had to tiptoe round him so as not to disturb his wonderful presence,  I had been told what a “blessing it was every time a priest crosses your doorstep” 

 He was given the best of everything, we had to always put his needs before everyone else’s,he had his own cutlery and crockery,  and he even had his own spotless white hand towels for his “Sacred Hands”

I was told that a priest’s  hands were “blessed”  and had been “consecrated”, they were the hands that after all held the communion hosts, and as all catholics know, this was  REALLY the body and blood of christ (not a representation, that was what all of the poor “non-catholics had)

So these sacred hands couldn’t do anything menial, they were so sacred they had to be protected at all costs!

They couldn’t wash up, or clear a table, make a bed,answer the phone, mend the fire, wipe the bath out,wash their clothes, iron their cassocks, make a meal, or even a cup of tea! 

What they could do however, was violate my innocent child’s  body, penetrate me and hurt me, and then leave me damaged and broken while they used their hands to bless their adoring congregation.

They could also bless your house to make sure there was no residual evil from previous occupants,(especially if they had been non-catholics)  they could say “masses” for your dead relatives or  “special intentions” , and they could very easily handle the money that you paid for those services! 

I wonder if a cardinal’s hands are doubly sacred? the pope’s mega sacred? 

Either way they have a lot of blood on them.