Theres a slight flaw!

Well just when I thought I was going to forget about the church and its crap for  a few days, the pope decides to make his announcement that says that most of the curia are corrupt, are guilty of spiritual Altzheimers:(No shit Sherlock!)

"Pope Francis has sharply criticised the Vatican bureaucracy in a pre-Christmas address to cardinals complaining of "spiritual Altzheimers" and the terrorism of gossip"

Nothing has changed, same shit - different day.He still churns out the same homophobia, mysogonism, and adherence to an arrogant and abusive doctrine with simply no evidence to support it.
I am still working today, and already I have had two patients who came in and told me how wonderful they think he is "a man of the people" a brave reformer" etc.etc.
Of course I have to listen, it is most inappropriate to  throw a tantrum in the treatment room! So I grit my teeth.
This man is no different from all of the others! He has not been parachuted in from Mars unaware of the machinations of his church! He WAS a cardinal and very much part of the whole hierarchy and VERY well aware of the corruption,  I am quite sure (Lets not forget his own record in Argentina!) 
Just another leg of the PR campaign pantomime he has been brought in to perform. It is amazing what a smiling face can convince people of, reminiscent of Kaa, the snake in Disney's Jungle Book!
My husband has a saying when told of something which is patently full of holes  like this and devious to boot, He says "Looking at it from every angle, and listening carefully to your point of view, I can detect a slight flaw in your argument-- It's Bollocks! 
Happy Holiday XXX

Eggs are running out!

Well the panel appointed by Theresa May in her "over arching" enquiry into historic sexual abuse has been abandoned! In favour, she says(wiping the egg off her face) of a statutory or Royal commission "type" of enquiry.
I have only one word for that --GOOD!
I strongly suspect that she is now clear that she hasn't a clue what she is dealing with, nor has she a clue who to entrust such a task to, and has also been told by innumerable disgruntled survivors that her panel was wrong and absolutely unfit for purpose. 
She was, and is quite out of her depth.
I do suggest she reads our page Be careful in the World of survivors!

http://survivorsvoice-europe.org/?p=6491

Of course it was never going to get anywhere, and I think it has imploded just as I thought about on time!
I am not going to waste too much time talking about it, nor will I let it encroach too much on this holiday time, it simply is NOT worth it!These committees, panels, groups etc. achieve very little.
I will however say one thing!
The only way they will ever get to the bottom of anything is to appoint an independant secular body. Professional and highly qualified judiciary who have NO affiliation to any of the organisations investigated. (I would even say that leaves Theresa May out - being a devout Anglican!)
That also means NO survivors! They should not be on that panel.They cannot be unbiased.
Survivors should all, INDIVIDUALLY be called upon to give evidence if they choose to, but  that should be handled with the utmost sensitivity and respect.
These people  should not be singling out  survivor "charities" who say they represent  people- they don't.
It is a big job, and could take years, but so it bloody well should! We can no longer accept platitudes or short cuts, or creations of jobs for the boys.
The bleating about "valuable work now wasted" is nonsense.Work that is meaningless SHOULD be abandoned and quickly, and then  there is an opportunity to do it properly.
Will they? I don't know. Not sure if I care.
What I do know is despite the government , the church, the parasitic organisations, we will continue supporting and empowering those wonderful people who have survived these monsters, and mourn the many  who did not.

We Don't need another Hero!

I have to say after that positive story yesterday, I am back with the same old same old!
Absolutely sickened to hear that  yet another well known "victim" of catholic clergy  has been appointed to the papal commission into clergy abuse. I don't think there is a sick bag big enough.
Now I could rant and rave about my own personal feelings about this wretched commission, this avoidance tactic, this disgraceful PR stunt by francis, and the cynical exploitation of deluded people. Lets face it, they are simply behaving true to form and I should not be in the least surprised! So it is pointless to comment further on that! 
Appointing "victims" seems to be their latest game, hand picked ones of course, those who are still rather pathetically clinging to the indoctrination of their childhood, they sure as hell wouldn't look at an atheist survivor! Despite the fact that there are far more survivors who wouldn't have anything the hell to do with the criminal organisation that fostered the men that abused them.
When asked "why do you think the pontiff singled you out" this man  replied "Well I get on with him and I think he saw something in me"!
Yes he certainly did! It is called Sycophancy! They can spot a sycophant at 500 miles! They are never going to listen to any of us who see their true colours or hate their narcissism! 
But what is disturbing  more than anything is that he really believes he has influence!
Thousands of really brave people have been fighting these monsters for years to no avail- but suddenly this one man has the answer! What utter arrogant Bullshit!
And his language  is littered with his usual plea for money! He is a prolific scrounger! A consummate sycophant, and when not licking a backside, he is bleating about lack of funding.
Now I don't give a damn  what he does in his own life, he can play at being the pope's new best friend as much as he wants, I couldn't care less. I do of course, pity the man because he is a victim of these creeps,  and his behaviour must surely be a result of his damage. (I prefer to have that belief otherwise it would mean that he is  self serving rather than just deluded.)
What he MUST do however, is stop saying that he represents survivors - he does NOT!
So while we are on this subject of "funding" he also said in his interview "One of the things I will be telling the pope" is that " Survivor organisations will need some serious funding"!!
Well here is the thing:
They do NOT need serious funding, most of them actually need to be disbanded! 
What possible use can it be to any survivor for a vast amount of money to be given to an "organisation" instead of directly to him, the victim of the crime! 
Why would it benefit a survivor to see money that cash strapped tax payers have donated, being used to pay wages and expensive premises, trips abroad to "conferences" where they will meet other "fund raisers" who will compare notes?
And why would anyone stand rattling a tin in competition with others who have no alternative and desperately needed funding?
Why would anyone fund a charity for "victims"when the head of an organisation says his mission is to "help the church"! 
They actually should give it all back!
There is vast a difference between being a "charity" and being "charitable"
Should anyone  be paid for compassion? for trying to give a leg up to  fellow survivors? Surely this should be a labour of LOVE? 
How can anyone warrant appointing themselves as a paid "middle man" - Most survivors do not need one! They are STRONG people who have survived - despite the odds. 
After being disempowered for so long and manipulated by others, the last thing we need to do is to give our regained power away to a different flavour of "puppet master"
What we do need is to have our OWN  personal voice heard! We are not clones! And we are quite capable of speaking for ourselves.
What we also need are GOOD lawyers who will fight like Rottweilers, and a legal system given some teeth that will give every individual real justice!
Survivors  may well need professional therapeutic support as they emerge from their ordeals, but that should be THEIR choice, and should only be the very best.  (See our guidelines on "finding a therapist!  http://survivorsvoice-europe.org/?page_id=649 )
They may feel that they like to be part of a group, sharing their experience strength and hope, but that does NOT entail "funding" 
What these self appointed "middle men" do is give the church a get out of jail card! 
When they start donating to these "organisations"-  (which they will!) complete with the subtle strings they will attach, they will cut out the survivor and tell him he must settle for whatever these "organisations" feel he should have, and then they will, like the little boy with the plum -smugly sit back and say "What a good boy am I!
The general public, often unaware of the complexity of the issues, may see this as a step forward!
Then the  church, that criminal organisation that has abused people for centuries, once again is calling the tune, and people are STILL dancing to it! (see our article Stop dancing with the devil! http://survivorsvoice-europe.org/?p=5961 )
We Don't need another deluded middle man.
We certainly don't need another bloody hero!

Practice what you preach!

I heard a heart warming story from my colleague Ton from Holland  today. It is rare that I can recount a good outcome for any survivor really, but when it does happen we need to talk about it too, despite the hundreds more that aren't good.
Ton was talking to a friend of his, a survivor of a Jesuit run school where at least forty boys had been horribly abused.
In Holland there are two things going on, there is the "official" survivor group , the leaders of which are busy dividing up between them any money they get from the church, by creating payed jobs for each other and their wives, while arguing with everyone about how the rest  should all be spent. Then there is THIS story which came from Ton's friend Raymond.
The head of this  particular order has been pro-active and willing to REALLY deal with the shit caused for people by the  the clergy abuses.
They employed independant and qualified mediators (with NO affiliation to the church)who saw each survivor individually for about six sessions, before they were ever expected to be in the presence of anyone from the order.
They went into each survivors story, every little detail of how their life had been destroyed, and how they had REALLY suffered. Only then were they asked to talk to the head of the order, who humbly asked "what sort of figure could they each consider for their suffering? Raymond said he did indeed have a figure in mind, but  when he told them what that was , he would only be happy if they would just add one euro to that sum. Then he would feel as if they were sincere.
In the end they added far more than one euro, and actually these men, for once and at last feel they have been fairly treated. It wasn't a quick process, it took about four years in total, but it felt as if there was  some kind of justice.
This surely is a model to emulate, instead of the church fighting tooth and nail to get out of their responsibilities and give up as little as possible, instead of them giving over lump sums to  the heads of "survivor organisations" who can then create incomes for themselves.Instead of this cottage industry that has been created to exploit this tragedy, this is simply a way of doing the RIGHT thing.
Now I do NOT have any illusions, I do NOT believe in their god , and I abhore their arrogant tactics of indoctrination and trauma bonding.
I will never see the church as anything but a force for bad in the world, and the Jesuits particularly have a lot of things to answer for,   but for one small group in Holland, and for whatever motive, I for once thought that they were actually trying to practice what they preach.

Grooming!

I was asked recently  to discuss if, and how, I was "groomed" by the priest that abused me?
Well of course there was grooming! 
But grooming  is not always what people imagine. There was no lost "puppy" to go and look for, no sweeties, or being made to feel like a "special friend".
In fact the dirty, fat, greedy, sweaty, drunken little inadequate rapist with the dog collar didn't really have to do very much at all, it was all pretty much done for him.

I wasn't  “groomed” so much by this pedophile; that was already made easy for him  by my mother and her family and by their blind faith in a narcissistic, unfeeling church that covers up all of its faults and hides its perpetrators. 
It is that church which  has  been grooming children for centuries. I must have been like "manna from heaven " for him, I was a sitting duck!

Often victims of these criminals are vulnerable in some way, either by their isolation, their disabilities  by threats or by their fear of exclusion. I was a prime target, I was  a vulnerable disturbed child, obsessed with trying to be "good" terrified of committing sin, and desperately afraid of being cast out by the only pack I knew.

I had been adopted into this fear filled church obsessed family, bought and paid for, and because it was handled badly, and I was older than I perhaps should have been,  I had definite "abandonment" issues, as well as the other signs and symptoms of distress. 

Later, when my story was discussed in "church circles" they said "that it may have been my adoption that was probably the cause of some of my later damage" -  in an attempt to wriggle out of their part in my destruction.

But the pedophile priest knew all about me! He stayed in my home! He knew my background, my fears and vulnerabilities, he had listened to my obsessive over scrupulous child's confessions,  and he also knew that in my priest obsessed household he would be protected. That is exactly  why he singled me out! I was the perfect sort of  weak wildebeest that pedophiles prey on, and that was directly because of  fear filled indoctrination.

I have always found from my dealings with the catholic church that they have no concept of the severity of abuse committed by them, and absolutely no concerns about it either. I have found them to be profoundly unskilled, monumentally condescending and disgustingly evasive.

The collusions and cover-ups are further abuse. I have met hundreds of survivors who have been

tormented for more than half  a century, and are still very damaged;  trying desperately to find a voice.

Of course, pedophiles can be found everywhere, as can repressed celibates, but that is NOT the 

problem.

The problem is the environment that the church provides, that allows these crimes to fester. They

create demigods out of inadequates and protect them when they inevitably commit their atrocities.

When each young boy goes into the seminary, he has already been told he is “special", chosen by

god, and way above all others. He is fed that daily line for years as he lives with other repressed boys

in an unnatural and unwholesome environment. By the time he is ordained, he is full of his own

superiority, even told his hands are "sacred"  and has a frighteningly  distorted view of life. 

He is then let loose on the unsuspecting “sheep”he is to shepherd!

Years and years of cruel fearful indoctrination of human beings have provided the church with a

bottomless supply of prey.THAT is how children have been groomed! Far more powerful and cruel than any lost puppy!

The church will not change. Nor does it see there is any necessity for it to change! It considers

itʼs role simply as being for the “glory of god”.(If they actually believe in god!)

They have never been, or even pretended to be, a philanthropic organisation. 

Human beings are, in their eyes, here on this earth simply to serve that god in order to gain a

reward in the next life. Of course they will also say that the only route to that next life is through the church. What an incredibly clever way of keeping people afraid and subservient!

Individual happiness is not their agenda, and therefore individual unhappiness is of no consequence.

The catholic church is like a gigantic Petri dish filled with agar, in which bacteria can grow

unhindered. It would be hard to get an antibiotic to deal with such a proliferation of nasties. With

such aggressive bacteria, I would suggest the only answer would be to burn the Petri dish along with its toxic contents! 

You are stardust!

I don't know about any of you, but when I was taught Physics at school it was taught so badly and was bloody appalling! I didn't learn very much at all apart from how to make pretty pictures with magnets and iron filings, and something else about tuning forks (not a clue what!)  so I dropped physics like a ton of hot bricks as soon as I was able.
But as I have grown and recovered from my early indoctrinations and creationist nonsense, I think it was such a bloody shame! If anyone had told me back then that I was "made of stardust" I might have stayed around in those physics lessons to find out why!  Stayed to hear the rest of the wonders of the Universe as seen through the eyes of science. 
I do that now of course, but I can't help being pissed off that I missed so many years of all that wonder!
It is a wonderful way to start anyone's recovery I think, to begin with the facts - that we are made from the stars, and that we are each a unique irreplaceable individual. There has never been anyone exactly like you before, and there never will be again! You are a "One off".
All the other layers of crap that were layered  upon me had to be really stripped down to that in order for me to make any real sense of my existence. Part of nature, part of the universe, part of the stardust makes me feel I have some  worth when for many years I felt like an alien in this world that I so badly wanted to be part of.
So my work over the holiday period is to is to finish the book I am writing and to create a stellar  "5 star" recovery programme that all survivors - no matter where they come from can use in order to regain their own "stardust" existence. 
Science, to me is the only way to do this, so with real evidence,  and help from some people who are so much cleverer than I, we can perhaps ignite the passion for freedom and wonder that we have lost sight of during our ordeals. 
Along with all of the other cruel lies that kept me tied to that narcissistic regime, I think one of the worst is not allowing me to know the wonderful magical truth of my  existence 

I am making up for a LOT of lost time, and I want to pass on the cross pollination of thoughts and inspirations that have helped me! In the mean time  Keep Twinkling!

Cynical ? - Moi?

I declined the invitation from the Home Office to attend a meeting yesterday. It was billed as a meeting of "survivor groups" and the Home office regarding the overarching enquiry into Child Sexual Abuse.
They suggested that they would be "listening" to survivors regarding the appointment of a chairperson and "other issues".
Sounds really important doesn't it? Sounds even as if they are taking the plight of the survivors seriously? Sounds perhaps that they are considering doing the "right thing" after decades of burying their heads in the sand? I don't think so! Been to so many of these dangled carrots, never found one to be valuable. (Cynical? - Moi?)
I had real misgivings about it when it was first suggested. (I really should practice what  I preach and listen to my own warning voices!)
The way the  panel has been appointed has been ridiculous,  but the  whole organisation of the enquiry can best be described as badly handled, chaotic, dismissive and patronising.
I asked if this was a group meeting or an individual consultation? and I also wanted to know who else would be present?
They confirmed it would be a group of about 15 people, headed by a "chairperson' and would be for one hour!
ONE hour! What the hell use is that? and with fifteen interested parties all wanting a shout! utterly pointless, and actually really quite offensive.
They wouldn't tell me who else was invited "for reasons,  they hoped I understood,  of the sensitivity of the issue"!
WTF! As if I was not aware of the need for sensitivity and confidentiality!
What THEY were clearly not aware of is that it is quite inappropriate and extremely insensitive, not to mention unprofessional, to ask survivors to attend such an emotive  meeting without knowing who they might encounter!
No surprise to me really, this is the way that survivors of abuse have always been treated, disregarded, and  perennially sidelined. Wheeled in to give credence to these impotent bodies.
I certainly was not afraid to go,  my strategies are well in place for these occasions,  but that was not the point. The point was that they did NOT give this any real thought.
This  seems to me quite  indicative  of the government's attitude to this dreadful crime.  Let's not dress it up - they are not without blame, they have known about it for years and kept silent. In any other criminal matter this would have at best been seen as collusion.
Anything that is going to really make a difference has to start with respect and compassion.
This is not the arrival of the cavalry , nor will  it be a magic bullet. Unless they have been on Mars for decades, unaware of the world's media, they have been made well aware of these injustices.
Now that the spotlight is on them and other institutions there is a scramble to be seen to be acting. They have had years to show their integrity and horror at these crimes and have remained disinterested. (surely the impending general election can't have anything to do with this sudden interest? )
Other survivor groups are already walking away from any involvement with this enquiry, and the Home Secretary found time in her "oh so busy schedule" to suggest it was a "shame,"  and that "there is an opportunity here to change things" - setting it up for the "victim blame" that will be the next inevitability  when the bloody thing implodes! If we disapprove of their condescending tactics and say NO to them then we are accused of trying to "derail the enquiry!" - It was never"railed!"
But we are  quite used to that too!
It was ever thus!
I have been to so many of these meetings in the past, always worried to see  some survivors get so excited about the "hope" they are given, and then only to be  dumped on. 
Get on with your enquiry, no doubt for the next several years, and WE will get on with what really matters and that is looking out for each other!

A "New breed of survivor"?

I had a conversation with a lawyer friend this week who remarked that " There is  a new breed of survivor coming up - "They seem to want to bash everything"!
(I don't THINK he was including me, but who knows! or cares !!!)
But it did make me think about it.
Is that REALLY what is happening? Are people REALLY knocking everything in sight?
Or is it that there is a "new breed" of empowered survivor coming up that has  simply had enough crap!
I think he may have been  referring to those who are disapproving of the U.K. "Govt.enquiry", which  has quite rightly been criticised for the way the formation of the group has been handled, without any consultation with anyone of note, and then having made appallingly  poor choices of chairpersons with "history" and lack of integrity, and then the  way that  many people are jostling for position.
He may also have been   referring to the way some of us  criticise this  dreadful "cottage industry" that is springing up around these tragedies, everyone creating yet another "charity" everyone looking for a job! 
Maybe he meant the way many of us,  at all costs , avoid any involvement with the churches etc. who are feeling "entitled"  to be consulted and included in the healing process, despite being the criminals.
Perhaps he meant those who don't feel the need to join a group of mutual "victims"  but  prefer to trust their own hard wired  instincts, not wanting to hand over even a small part of their power again after  already having had it ripped away from them?
Or is it that some of us are just sick and tired of exploitation? Sick and tired of others feeling that they can speak for us, (ALL of us!) Sick of survivors being manipulated  or  disregarded as others elevate themselves either for their own agenda, or political gain?
Are we not now saying ENOUGH!
As survivors we are not clones, we are unique irreplaceable individuals and have many differences. There are also of course a lot of similarities!
One of things we do have is a very rare strength! We have survived those bastards and are alive to tell the tale. It has, however left residual scars, of that there is  no doubt. 
Our “trust barometers” are destroyed, and many of us have  spent a lifetime desperately trying to fit into a world that we no longer feel a part of.

I cannot remember a time when I haven't been looking for a "pack"to belong to, I have joined many organisations and groups, many that I felt I could be part of, and it is rare that I am not disillusioned! Because I am so extremely hyper-vigilant! I have a super (some might say overly!)  tuned "Bullshit Detector."
Having been damaged so badly, I am highly tuned now in to danger signals , and I soon pick up on people that aren't quite what they appear to be. I always seem to be looking for the "baddie" and it gives me no pleasure to say that  I nearly always find them!
I am constantly looking for purity, for something which is authentic, and if it isn't - then  I WILL knock it! regardless of who it is.
It is both a survival technique and a curse!
But I will make NO excuses for it! 
Authenticity and absolute integrity are the key. (which is why we in our "family"  in SVE are so precious to each other!)

Our survival skills are not innate, they have been honed by dreadful adversity and are what have allowed us to survive, we act from a position of extreme pain. We can never come from any other position.We are often fighting for our lives.
~So if  I hear survivors saying NO! to what others perceive to be good for them, if I hear them criticising flaky practises or ego trips, In fact if I hear them spitting and cursing about injustices, even throwing their rattles out of their prams, then I think that everything is as it should be!  Bravo to them! They have been silenced too long!
Every time we hand a bit of our power  over to someone else, regardless of how they consider themselves "helping" us, unless they pass the "bullshit test "or the "authenticity meter"  we are still easily  manipulated and remain defined only by  our abuses.
We are MORE than that! We are not totally defined by our abuses, we are multifaceted individuals.  
Having been subjugated  for so long, and to then at last find our voice, we WILL use it!
And use it to whittle out the bullshit!
Anyone who doesn't  recognise that and indeed celebrate it  has no place in my  world!