Nicholas.

This is a picture of my arm! Ignore the age spots and wrinkles please!

Today would have been my son Nick’s birthday- yes he died just ten days before he would have been twenty- January really does suck.

Nick didn’t have very much in terms of material possessions, he wasn’t particularly interested in them! he was too busy “finding his feet” So I don’t have many things that belonged to him, just a few childhood things and pictures.

What he did leave behind however is for more precious, wonderful memories of his insight, humour, and love .I see him everywhere, in my other children, a gesture, a smile , a witty comment that could have easily come from him. Each  one of them has something that reminds me every day of Nick. His wonderful friends who still keep in touch with me, are a reminder of how he was loved, and makes me so proud. That they still show that to me is a great privelege.His younger bother Danny,  who was the apple of his eye and who recently bought a white leather jacket similar to the one that Nick was so proud of that he wore until it dropped off his back! and he looks so like Nick that when I saw him in it I nearly passed out!

Every time I  look at Buddy, I  remember a dog Nick once had, It was an ugly little dog,everybody thought so,  but Nick loved him. He called him  “Millwall” after a football club that he said nobody could love ! His friend who has a tattoo that Nick designed for him,The girl he loved who is now a beautiful and accomplished woman, with her own family, but who still honours the love they shared as teenagers and includes us in her life.There is so much to remind me. 

A few years ago I decided to have this tattoo! This is “Nicholas” written in Chinese. It is quite a talking point sometimes! Often when I am teaching younger people they perhaps see it as an old woman trying to be trendy! Older people seeing  my age, wonder if It is a mark that I received  in a concentration camp! 

What it actually is  is a reminder for me- every single day, every time I  use my right arm I see his name. I wanted it might make sure that everything I do is done with love.

Every time I put a needle into a patient, every time I shake someone’s hand, every time I cook something for my family,or write an email,  every time I hold someones hand.

And I often forget! Not my beautiful son, but my resolve to do everything with love! I am a human being, andI get carried away with the mundane and the frustrating, sometimes carried away by the stuff that makes me angry rather than concentrating on the stuff that makes me smile.

So today is about renewing that resolve!!

Nick will always be nineteen,young  and wonderful, and I have a chance to continue doing things that would have made him proud.