Checking my Agenda!

Isn’t it so bloody annoying knowing that you can easily allow yourself to be diverted from your chosen path! The way that negative people can bring out the worst in you and you forget that the way to avoid that is to avoid them!

I am reflecting on our recent trip to Geneva, to witness the questioning of the holy see in answer to the accusations that we, among others, had made against them in breach of the convention of the rights of the child.

It was an important and indeed historic confrontation, and one that I was happy to be part of.But I have since reflected on how the whole thing affected me, and what I learned from those reactions.

This has been an  enormous battle, the catholic church is a devious and formidable foe, who will come out spitting and snarling , like all narcissists when challenged. They will play dirty, they will also be aware of, and exploit  our damaged selves and our vulnerabilities.

Being in the same room as them ,watching them smug and self satisfied, surrounded by sycophants and lying through their teeth is a difficult place to be. I frequently wanted to  jump over their desk and throttle them. 

Every lie they told, every contradiction they made, every show of  lack of compassion or insight was like a knife going into my heart, and watching their  forced laughs and attempts at humour was like twisting that knife again.

Watching the media frenzy, and those who would clamber over anyone to get to the nearest camera,or those who use this very emotive subject to further their own political agenda just infuriated me more and more!

Something happens to me when I am around all of this stuff and it is something akin to a primal scream! STOP!!!! This is my life! this is the lives of so many thousands of damaged people! not a game, or a cash cow, or a platform for anything other than the fight for justice.

The amazing and positive committee of the UN CRC who were intent upon not letting them off the hook was what made it more bearable, and they certainly gave them a grilling.

Of course in this world of survivors we will encounter  many players, and they all have a different role, some are fighters, some are demonstrators, some are silent,some are media tarts!

Ton and I have  always been happy to stand and be counted with others when their agenda sits comfortably with ours, but we should never lose sight of OUR  “agenda” 

It is SO easy to detract from your core purpose. It is about being clear and checking every day  “What exactly IS my agenda”?

Well our  “agenda” has always been very simple and very clear - Our overriding purpose it to connect to, and empower other survivors. We have always said that if we keep that one survivor in our minds when we do anything, we will stick to our “agenda”. 

We are  not interested in dialogue with the church, they have demonstrated time after time THEIR narcissistic agenda, and we were sick of dancing to their macabre tune.

Every time survivors  plead with them,their  pleas fall on deaf ears and they win again, calling the tune!

We turned our backs on them and decided that we would help ourselves, and our fellow survivors using all the skills we have between us, and those of other like minded people.

Which is why our gathering in Rome ceased to be a “demonstration” against the vatican, but instead became a joyful celebration of lives saved, a party that  the vatican was not invited to.

We are not fund raisers, we know that chasing money would detract from our purpose.

We are no longer  victims, and we will not accept  that role on again

We all have different skills and different passions, so it makes sense to play to our strengths. 

Ours is EMPOWERMENT! and our connections are our strength.

Regardless of which path a survivor takes, wether it is to fight or  demonstrate, chase errant clergy, make lists of them, find their hiding places, shine a spotlight on every dark corner of their organisation, take legal action, stop child abuse from being a daily reality for other children,et.etc. they will still  need to be in the best shape they can be. 

Even if the UN succeeds in taking them to task, even if the Court of Human Rights takes up the battle, even if the vatican falls, the criminal priests get arrested and incarcerated, the safeguarding of the next generation is secured, even if every survivor is awarded  millions in compensation-- we will still be left with hundreds of thousands of disaffected damaged human beings  who’s lives have  been destroyed, money alone will not take that away.

And they deserve the best care possible, a “this will do” approach is NOT ok! They should have  the “Rolls Royce” of recoveries! A REAL “warm blanket” wrapped around them as they emerge from their nightmares.

THAT is our focus and our “agenda” and one I need to be reminded of every time I get distracted and frustrated.

I can fight with the best of them!  I can fight dirty and I can trample on people, I can throw eggs at bishops and swear at nuns, I can stick two fingers up at the vatican and it’s minions, and march in front of cathedrals. But it makes me angry! And it creates a “conduit” in me for evan more anger.They win again!

My energies and passions lie with what I am much better at. And in order for that to happen I simply have to keep on checking MY “agenda”.

Nicholas.

This is a picture of my arm! Ignore the age spots and wrinkles please!

Today would have been my son Nick’s birthday- yes he died just ten days before he would have been twenty- January really does suck.

Nick didn’t have very much in terms of material possessions, he wasn’t particularly interested in them! he was too busy “finding his feet” So I don’t have many things that belonged to him, just a few childhood things and pictures.

What he did leave behind however is for more precious, wonderful memories of his insight, humour, and love .I see him everywhere, in my other children, a gesture, a smile , a witty comment that could have easily come from him. Each  one of them has something that reminds me every day of Nick. His wonderful friends who still keep in touch with me, are a reminder of how he was loved, and makes me so proud. That they still show that to me is a great privelege.His younger bother Danny,  who was the apple of his eye and who recently bought a white leather jacket similar to the one that Nick was so proud of that he wore until it dropped off his back! and he looks so like Nick that when I saw him in it I nearly passed out!

Every time I  look at Buddy, I  remember a dog Nick once had, It was an ugly little dog,everybody thought so,  but Nick loved him. He called him  “Millwall” after a football club that he said nobody could love ! His friend who has a tattoo that Nick designed for him,The girl he loved who is now a beautiful and accomplished woman, with her own family, but who still honours the love they shared as teenagers and includes us in her life.There is so much to remind me. 

A few years ago I decided to have this tattoo! This is “Nicholas” written in Chinese. It is quite a talking point sometimes! Often when I am teaching younger people they perhaps see it as an old woman trying to be trendy! Older people seeing  my age, wonder if It is a mark that I received  in a concentration camp! 

What it actually is  is a reminder for me- every single day, every time I  use my right arm I see his name. I wanted it might make sure that everything I do is done with love.

Every time I put a needle into a patient, every time I shake someone’s hand, every time I cook something for my family,or write an email,  every time I hold someones hand.

And I often forget! Not my beautiful son, but my resolve to do everything with love! I am a human being, andI get carried away with the mundane and the frustrating, sometimes carried away by the stuff that makes me angry rather than concentrating on the stuff that makes me smile.

So today is about renewing that resolve!!

Nick will always be nineteen,young  and wonderful, and I have a chance to continue doing things that would have made him proud.

DO NOTHING TILL YOU HEAR FROM US!

Do nothing till you hear from us!

I am constantly bemused by the reasoning behind peoples insistence on going to the pope , vatican, holy see, catholic church (whatever!) to ask about what changes have been made to their treatment of clergy abuse survivors, or indeed the safe guarding of future generations.

Why would you go to the perpetrator? Why would you, after years and years of lies and cover ups believe a word they say?

Have  people not sussed yet that they will do and say ANYTHING to preserve their image? 

They will deflect any admission from themselves by doing the same as they have always done, blame, lie, cover up, excuse.

They will say they have put “robust measures” in place -Where? none that are of any consequence.

They will say they will have an “enquiry” - Why ?.  Do they not KNOW what they should do? what  the right thing is? I thought they considered themselves the authority on “right”

They say they have “met with survivors” Who? - no one who opposes them, that is for sure! If they do speak to any, they are a very few  carefully  “selected” victims, who are still tied into the church.

They say they have their own laws? Well haven’t the Mafia, and every other criminal organisation? 

They say they have a fresh new “head” in francis- What? He has been part of the hierarchy for his entire adult life, he has been chosen just to be the smily face of their PR campaign.

They will tell you “things are so different now” Rubbish!

These people will  NEVER do anything voluntarily, they will only ever respond when they are well and truly cornered, and only then to do as little as they can get away with rather than the MOST they can do!

But they do talk a good talk! and if you are not careful you will fall into the trap of believing them!

So here is the thing!

We would be delighted if these things were true!

We would be overjoyed to see every broken survivor valued, honoured , shown compassion  and restored to some kind of wholeness.

We would be shouting from the rooftops if there was a a real glimmer of hope of the “right thing”  being done, by amends being made to the victims of their crimes.

We would be telling the entire World of our relief and gratitude.

We would be happy beyond words at promises being kept, of honour and decency and humanity displayed.

We would not need to be “sought out” for our opinions on the wonder of it all,  we would be celebrating so loudly that no one would have any doubt of our excitement!

We have NO reason to not want this for all of our fellow survivors, it is what we fight for every day.

But it is simply NOT HAPPENING! 

So PLEASE , until you hear it from one of us, until you see the fireworks and hear the music, see the dancing and the cheers from all of US  -hear this: 

It is absolute BULLSHIT! 

A shimmering Survivor tree!

Several years ago, Gez and I went to Budapest, we loved it, the city,the people,  the history....

We heard terrible stories about the war in Hungary, they had a wretched time, something like 40,000 Hungarian Jews were murdered by the Nazis. Then no sooner had the Germans gone than they were occupied by the Russians. We were there just when they had ceased to be communist and were in a transition time, some hated it, some wanted it, who knows...

We went to see the newly restored synagogue, funded by the Tony Curtis foundation,  we had learned about this wonderful tree in the courtyard. It was entirely made of aluminium, and it shimmered in the sunshine, quite a beautiful sight.

What was more beautiful, and still makes me cry to think about it, was that each one of the tiny individual  leaves on the tree bore the name of a holocaust victim, it seemed to me to shimmer even more brilliantly when I knew that.

I often post pictures of my garden, not because I want to show off our "green fingers" ! But because my husband made it all for me, he calls it Sue's "peace garden". It used to be a car park, solid concrete and clay, and he dug it all out and created a place for me to be when I get stressed, or sad, or burdened with harsh memories.It has given me great solace, not least because it was a labour of love. I post it on my Facebook page just so that people can share it with me.

I have been fortunate that since Survivors Voice Europe came into being, and since I met some of the bravest and wonderful survivors imaginable, they have been to visit me here and  we have sat in my garden , and made new memories. I wish they all could come!

Ton and I  have always talked about recovery being a "growing thing", a process, not an event. We created our healing tree on the website so that people could get help even if they are alone. He is creating a wonderful fishery and garden in Holland, and loves nature too. It has been so much part of our thinking and growing.

So I am going to create a Survivors tree in my garden, similar to the one in Budapest, and I hope that on each tiny silver leaf there will be the name of a Survivor -- and it will shimmer for ever.

So please send me your names, I need to get started ! And I want you to be in my garden!