Thankful for our NHS!

I haven't blogged for a while, largely because I have been unwell, but also because I tend to wait until something moves me,  or pisses me off enough to run screaming to the computer!
What pissed me off recently was  a dreadful experience I had with the "private" medical world leaving  me feeling vulnerable and fearful.
I had a worrying MRI scan of my back and my doctor said I needed to be referred to a neuro-surgeon. She said that at present they have an "arrangement" with the Nuffield private hospital which meant that she could refer me there to a neuro surgeon "Mr.Choksey", who would see me as a NHS patient.
As it happens, when I tried to arrange it all, it turned out not to be as straightforward as she had thought, and rather than start the whole procedure again, I decided to pay for the consultation.To see what I was dealing with and what my options were.
It was awful! This man was arrogant, condescending,  and examined me as if I was  a piece of meat . He told me I needed spinal surgery "As a matter of urgency" and it would need to be performed within the next day or two!
 It felt like a bad dream, a real shock.
He then asked if I had medical insurance, which I haven't, and then said "Well I will have to refer you back to the NHS service -If you want to risk infection"! 
Gez, who was with me was a bit panicked and said "Hang on a moment are you saying that my wife is MORE likely to get an infection if she goes into the NHS hospital?"
"Oh yes" said the surgeon "In fact that is why I left the NHS! , but they won't tell you that they will LIE to you!" 
How much would the operation be privately? £15,000 , Quite out of the question for us!
When he realised we weren't going to pay for the operation, he very quickly added "Well if you go and see them, they may not agree with me of course"
It felt like he was touting for business, and had very little regard for the fact that he had now frightened an already very worried patient into thinking that where he was sending me was unsafe!
I was then charged with going straight to A&E in Coventry, where indeed they did disagree, thought that although the operation needs doing, it certainly was not THAT urgent. 
They were professional empathic and KIND!
Now I have always been an absolute admirer of our health service, it has always been a beacon of integrity in my lifetime, and free to all patients! Which is so much more than people in many other  countries have at their disposal.
Most of these surgeons have had their education free of charge too! 
We do take it for granted, as with everything that has always been free, but every now and again something happens that makes us appreciate what we have.
There is also a perception that because we have free medical care, that it is somehow inferior, when of course that is absolutely not true. 
Yes,  there may be blips with administration, communication sometimes, but when it comes to illness, I have always found the care is second to none. I for one will add my name to anything that will protect it!
(I am not looking forward to this operation though!!)

Thankful for our NHS!

I haven't blogged for a while, largely because I have been unwell, but also because I tend to wait until something moves me,  or pisses me off enough to run screaming to the computer!
What pissed me off recently was  a dreadful experience I had with the "private" medical world leaving  me feeling vulnerable and fearful.
I had a worrying MRI scan of my back and my doctor said I needed to be referred to a neuro-surgeon. She said that at present they have an "arrangement" with the Nuffield private hospital which meant that she could refer me there to a neuro surgeon "Mr.Choksey", who would see me as a NHS patient.
As it happens, when  tried to arrange it all, it turned out not to be as straightforward as she had thought, and rather than start the whole procedure again, I decided to pay for the consultation.To see what I was dealing with and what my options were.
It was awful! This man was arrogant, condescending,  and examined me as if I was  a piece of meat . He told me I needed spinal surgery "As a matter of urgency" and it would need to be performed within the next day or two!
 It felt like a bad dream, a real shock.
He then asked if I had medical insurance, which I haven't, and then said "Well I will have to refer you back to the NHS service -If you want to risk infection"! 
Gez, who was with me was a bit panicked and said "Hang on a moment are you saying that my wife is MORE likely to get an infection if she goes into the NHS hospital?"
"Oh yes" said the surgeon "In fact that is why I left the NHS! , but they won't tell you that they will LIE to you!" 
How much would the operation be privately? £15,000 , Quite out of the question for us!
When he realised we weren't going to pay for the operation, he very quickly added "Well if you go and see them, they may not agree with me of course"
It felt like he was touting for business, and had very little regard for the fact that he had now frightened an already very worried patient into thinking that where he was sending me was unsafe!
I was then charged with going straight to A&E in Coventry, where indeed they did disagree, thought that although the operation needs doing, it certainly was not THAT urgent. 
They were professional empathic and KIND!
Now I have always been an absolute admirer of our health service, it has always been a beacon of integrity in my lifetime, and free to all patients! Which is so much more than people in many other  countries have at their disposal.
Most of these surgeons have had their education free of charge too! 
We do take it for granted, as with everything that has always been free, but every now and again something happens that makes us appreciate what we have.
There is also a perception that because we have free medical care, that it is somehow inferior, when of course that is absolutely not true. 
Yes,  there may be blips with administration, communication sometimes, but when it comes to illness, I have always found the care is second to none. I for one will add my name to anything that will protect it!
(I am not looking forward to this operation though!!)

OFFER IT UP?

                   
I am sickened by the idea that "mother Theresa", that sadistic old crone, is being elevated to "sainthood" by the equally sadistic catholic church!
Not that "sainthood" means anything to me, but it is certainly giving the PR spin on the  church a boost among many gullible people. Lets face it, that church  needs all the help it can get to boost it's failing image.
I am particularly nauseated by her appalling attitude to other's suffering! saying that the poor and sick should be grateful for their suffering believing that suffering, however it is caused is a gift from god!
"I think it is very beautiful for the poor to accept their lot, to share it with the passion of christ.I think the world is being much helped by the suffering of the poor people!
What a piece of work! and what a bloody cop-out!
Although this doesn't surprise me at all, as I grew up in this dreadful religion, and I was always told I should be grateful for any pain or discomfort I felt
"Offer it up" was what I was always told! Any pain I experienced was considered something I should be "grateful" for, to enable me to "offer it up" in atonement for my many many "sins", both past and future. Sympathy ought never be craved, in fact it was a dirty word!
"You are gasping for breath " (I am asthmatic) "Offer it up!"
"You have a broken foot? (I fell off a swing) "Offer it up!"
You are being sick? you have measles? whooping cough? pneumonia? 
"Offer it up"
It seemed that any physical pain I went through was of no other consequence than to be used as an offering. I was then shamed into thinking that I was selfish for crying or complaining about pain, in fact I should welcome it so I got the chance to "Offer it up!"

What a clever way for this cruel regime to keep people subserviant and suffering! And worse still, if they continue to "honour" people in this way who obediently  further their  cause, and  are perpetuating this cruel and distorted view of humanity.

If I listened to that religious crap  I would be told I was sinful, unworthy, only here in this life to prove I am deserving of the next, the church of course saying that they alone are the custodians of the gateway to that joyful  never never land, and I should be deliriously happy at being in pain or afraid or starving, or raped by one of their sick "holy" men and OFFER it up!

WTF!

Thankfully I now know that every human being is  a very precious, unique, and irreplaceable part of the Universe and  that even includes me!

Compassion is where it is at, and something this awful woman and her appalling religion know Nothing about.

Everyone has a story

There's a lady who works at the shop and garage near my house, and she has a bit of a reputation for being "grumpy", people say she can be fine one minute and then reverts to a terrible " bad mood."  She has always been very nice to me, and she just loves our dog, giving him treats when he passes and coming away from her counter just to play with him. But I  have seen her be really crotchety with other people on occasions!
Yesterday I called in to buy something and she noticed the tattoo on my arm and asked me what it says? I told her it was the name of my oldest son Nicholas who died. She filled up with tears and asked me what happened to Nick, and so I told her about him, then she said "I know just how you feel, my little boy was killed when he was six, he ran over the road to get his football and was run over"  Then she told me "It was thirty five years ago, and I still cry for him every day" and of course I told her that I did the same.
I was so sad for her, but more than anything it made me realise how easy it is to make assumptions about people, that EVERYONE has a story, none of us are unscathed by life, and on the days when she is feeling "grumpy" she is probably only JUST holding herself together and is full of grief.
I wanted to go back and take her some flowers or something, but it felt as if I would have been patronising her, but I hope  there might be an occasion at sometime when I can do something to make her feel better.What  I WILL do is learn the lesson, and remember who taught it me!
I am often "grumpy"  when I am in a lot of pain, I find myself snapping, and then feeling bad about it! I am very lucky that I have lovely people around who   make allowances for me! 
There have been times too when I have felt just a little embarrassed about my tattoo! especially when someone has commented about my being a "bit old" for one, perhaps thinking I was going through an "old age" crisis! But I had done  it to remind me every moment of the day about Nick, not that I need anything to remind me, because he is never far from my thoughts. But one of the last things  Nick said to me before he died was "I am very proud of you Mum" and I did not deserve it. The tattoo on my right arm means that every time I do something with my right hand I see it, think of Nick  and I like to think  it makes me do things better, with him in mind.
So if you se a grumpy old woman covered in tattoos don't make assumptions about her, she may be going through hell and perhaps just needs a smile.

Martyrdom

An elderly priest was murdered in France and the pope talks about his horror and pain.
"We are especially moved because this horrible violence took place in a Church, a sacred place in which god's love is announced, with the barbaric murder of a priest and the involvement of the faithful,"  the vatican's statement read.
This was followed very quickly by the bandwagon being pounced on by cardinal Nichols et al saying that we now have to make churches the priority for security.And the inevitable talk of"martyrdom" 
  Now let me be very clear,  I am also absolutely horrified at the death of this  elderly man in such a  cruel way, whether he was a priest or a road sweeper, as I am with all of the acts of terror that we are witnessing at present. It is a dreadful and meaningless waste of life. My heart goes out to everyone affected, and like everyone with a heart, I have cried buckets over them 
But be very very careful.
This is exactly the sort of act that will bring out the desperate need for "martyrdom" that the catholic church does so well.
When I was a child I honestly believed I would be called upon to be a martyr! Not the perpetual doormat kind that whine  a lot and we all cringe at, but a real "suffer intolerable death for your faith " kind of martyr. I had it drummed into me that this may very well happen! 
It was a time when catholics saw themselves as a persecuted minority, and actually revelled in a sort of perverse elitism.
I was very unwilling to die for my faith, but as a little girl, I lived in fear  of my impending "martyrdom" and also of  what would happen if I didn't  offer my life up for the faith!
It is an appalling  attitude to life, that precious thing that does NOT belong to some whimsical deity, but to ourselves, each one of us and is so brief and magical.
The catholic church is already reeling from the revelations in recent years and the spotlight on their narcissistic organisation. 
I don't ever hear expressions of "horror or pain" with the hundreds of clergy abuse victims who have taken their own lives, or have died as a result of the distorted life path that their abuses have forced them on. Or have simply had their lives destroyed.
Are they delighted that this murder has happened? Well I sincerely hope not. But there is a real danger that they will use this perceived martyrdom to their advantage, to try and detract from their own many failings.
If, as is often said, childhood clergy abuse is "assassination of the spirit"then the sheer volume of the church's abuses makes their crimes akin to genocide.
 So please do resist the urge to see this dreadful murder as anything other than what it was - a shocking and wicked act, and the latest attempt to wreak terror among us all, certainly no worse than the cruel deaths of so many (including innocent children)  in Nice and Munich and  everywhere else where these evil terrorists find an opportunity to kill. 

Support group~?

On the radio this morning, I was asked to comment on the news of  the formation of a "victims" club by three famous people who say they have been shabbily treated and wrongly accused of historic sexual abuse.
Cliff Richard, Paul Gamboccini and Neil Evans are shown in the papers joining  hands and shouting about the  pain and suffering they have experienced by being falsely accused and "having been found innocent" They want to form a "victim support group" and campaign to get the law changed so that people who are so accused are not named unless they are charged.
So here's the thing:
Firstly, of course I have a great deal of sympathy for anyone who is falsely accused of any crime, I am quite sure it is a dreadful thing to experience. 
In these cases, there was no "innocent" or "guilty" verdict, the charges  were simply dropped through lack of sufficient evidence. Now Cliff Richard is complaining that this is not ok, that there will be a stain on his character, and people will say "no smoke without fire" etc. and although that might be quite unpleasant, it is hardly a case for changing the law. These kind of cases are actually few and far between.
The law is duty bound to investigate all accusations of such crimes, and although in his case there was a mishandled search, and a media frenzy because of his fame, that is essentially what they were doing.
I would have a lot more respect for them if they had said "It was terrible, really bloody awful,and not fair,  but we applaud the police and the judiciary for doing there job"  I suspect people would be less inclined to suggest "no smoke without fire"
Yes,  if they had no charge to answer it is indeed awful to have to go through that procedure, and if the law needs changing then campaign by all means.
The danger of course of NOT naming people might mean that victims of the same perpetrator don't come forward.The radio interviewer said "Well they can come forward after they have been charged" But unless other victims  come forward they may NOT be charged, often such a case may be dependant on others coming forward, and if they don't , then the case may be dropped "Because of insufficient evidence"
However  the worst aspect of it for me is that there is an implication, yet again, that there are armies of people making false accusations about others because they are looking for "compensation", or "publicity" or some other agenda. 
NOT true! Statistically there are very few "false accusations", and they are usually from people who have other problems of some kind, and they are soon wheedled out by the police or the Crown prosecution service. The police and the CPS  know about this subject, they are used to dealing with it, and they mostly do it very well.
It is a source of real discomfort for me and other survivors when I hear this sort of incorrect assumption, usually from people who don't have a clue about child sexual abuse.
The very reason why it takes so long,  often, for survivors to come forward is because of the sheer embarrassment they feel, and perhaps the fear that they won't be believed, or will be smeared, in just this way, who the hell would really want to go through that?
Although I have talked about my abuses a lot, and to different groups, it is still something I cringe at!
It is not great being known mostly for having been abused! 
It is not an image I would have chosen! As soon as I speak about it there is an inevitable image in someones head, and once that image is in there it won't go away- the genie is out of the bottle.I am a sixty nine year old Granny!  I don't relish being seen in that way!  
Of course I am told I had a choice! But the choice was damned if I do damned if I don't! If I don't talk about it, I remain damaged and isolated, and I leave it to others to find the courage. If I do talk about it I am open to another  kind of isolation. I chose to be open about it and stand and be counted for others, but I can truly understand why many simply could not bear it. This may make it even harder.
So in answer to the original question, I fear  that this sort of "alliance" could very easily become a club of guilty people who can hide behind the very few who may be falsely accused.
By all means tell people of your innocence, and fight for your own justice, but a "victim support group"? PLEASE! 

High as a Kite!

Feeling as High as a kite after the last weeks activities! (And not a drug or a drink in sight!) 
I know that if someone gives us a gift we get some very nice "feelgood" chemicals in our brain, of course we do, it is nice to think someone has thought of us and gone to a lot of trouble to please us, But I also know that if we GIVE something we get substantially more of those feelgood chemicals, it seems silly not to have them! Free chemicals! And no "come down" no hangover! The person receiving from us feels good, we feel good and those around us feel good just by witnessing that kind act. It is a win win situation! 
Last weekend I was not well enough to stay for the Humanist conference, but I did manage to hear  AC Grayling talk about the philosophy of "friendship" so uplifting, so inspirational (and not a god in sight!)
Then I was teaching some truly lovely people, working in the most difficult circumstances in prison and drug services (and not an ego in sight!) 
But the highlight of my week has GOT to be going up to Edinburgh to speak at the launch of the brilliant initiative "AID AND ABET" !!!! I still haven't come down!

THE most amazing people "Cons and Cops" (their words!) working together and saving lives! It was a privilege  to be a part of it and to be SO well looked after by these altruistic people. So professional. so compassionate so honourable and

SO humble, I did NOT want to get back on that plane!This has given me a new lease!, but actually what it did was remind me how being around recovery and altruism feels! It is so easy to get a little jaded or complacent when you have "been 
around" as long as I have.These lovely recovery friends, and their equally lovely police colleagues reminded me what it is all about!

Their optimism and joy was infectious, their determination mind blowing,  breaking down barriers, getting rid of  "Us and Them" and creating partnerships that are making a real difference. 
I came away with enough of those "feel-good chemicals" to last a month! But I don't mind admitting that I want MORE! And I  know exactly where to get them! 

 I don't always remember, because I am human, I need reminding!  But when I do it feels great!
And then to top it all they sent me beautiful flowers!!! It was a bit like getting a big box of chocolates and then being rewarded for eating them! What a week!