Keep on loving you Nick

  Today would have been my son Nick's 49th birthday. He died when he was 19, and just 10 days before his 20th birthday.. 
The funny thing about birthdays, they seem to remind you more of the person who died, rather than the day that  is generally called their "anniversary" 
So today  I am back in heartbroken mode.
I always wonder why people say "Happy Birthday" to the person who has died, it is not a happy event, to not be able to tease them about their age, their bald spots, their growing paunch! it is not happy to think of all the birthdays he has missed, not just his own, but his brothers and sisters, nephews and niece, and of course mine.It is not happy to know he won't be eating cake or getting drunk.
I remember thinking just before Nick died that it would soon be his birthday, and I was busy as usual worrying about how  to "rob Peter to pay Paul" as I had often had to do  when birthdays came around, I had very little money back then, in fact I had none most of the time. My ex husband had left me and six kids with no money to fend for ourselves, and although we  did survive, there was never enough to go round, let alone have luxuries, but somehow we managed birthdays.
I  remember on my fortieth birthday the kids had a "surprise party" for me,  and Nick had bought me a big bag of all sorts of exotic fruits, pineapple kiwis, and things like that! He said he couldn't think of anything else "special" that he could afford! That is a very special memory, one of many.
I remember the night he was born, 1 - 0 clock in the morning, and it was cold and rainy.  I remember lying in my bed in the ward after he was born and thinking "I have a little boy", It felt really strange, I knew nothing of little boys, and not much about little girls for that matter! 
He didn't have much materially in his life, but was so rich in many ways. He actually left me so much, more than he ever knew, and  I am grateful for the time I had with him.
 I would swap every birthday present I ever had, every Christmas present, everything I have ever owned, every moment we argued just to have  him for a minute here with me today, on his birthday.
So today is not a happy day, for me or for him ,or his brothers and sisters. We all miss him still.
My other children keep him very much alive, in a smile that is so like his, a mannerism, and one of his funny sayings. His friends and the girl he loved still keep him with us by staying in touch and laughing about their teenage antics. I guess they are all middle aged family people now, but still teenagers in my mind!
So I won't say "Happy Birthday Nick" , but I will say how much "I love you, I am proud of you and I miss you more every birthday that comes around"