It is here again,  that day in January that I dread. It is another year that we have had without Nick in our lives. Every day he is on my mind, but today is always the most painful.I always say that I won't mark this day specifically because it hurts  too much, and I think about him EVERY day. But nature has a way of reminding me! I look out at the grey sky and the damp and cold, and it takes me right back to that dreadful time.
I was thinking very much about reminders, I listened to a documentary on the radio only the other day about the Sami people of Norway who have a tradition of "Yoiking".  It was a specific way of singing, more  like a call,  and each person had their own  distinctive "Yoik". Apparently it was banned by the church because of its roots in paganism (I do so approve of anything that the church arrogantly thinks they have the right to ban!) 
One woman described how she can almost feel her dead Mother's presence by singing her Mother's "Yoik". I thought how nice it would be if we all had those unique sounds that were associated with each individual, that we could summon them up just by singing their own "Yoik".
 Of course we are able to listen to people's voices on tapes these days, and some are lucky enough to have videos of people they have lost. I have a couple of archaic tapes with Nick's voice on as he is trying to get his little brother to stop crying, he was so good at that. I also have about one minute of him on a video when he was filmed at Glastonbury (a prized possession). But actually they are only "things' because his memory is so embedded in my heart.
When he first died, I went through a million crazy phases of panic and heartbreak and even a desire to die, and one of the irrational fears I had was that I might forget his voice. Every day I would go over things he had said to me, desperately trying to hold on to the sound of it. I needn't have worried, because I only have to think about him and I can hear him! I remember instantly his smell,  how he felt when he gave me one of his bear hugs, his laugh, his crazy hairstyles, his beautiful brown eyes.
I remember his razor wit and rather naughty humour, above all his kindness,  and despite having very little himself, his genuine pleasure in other's successes.
He left a lot of reminders too, with his brothers and sisters who have a smile or a gesture which is so "Nick" and with his friends still so loyal and loving.
At the time I had so many people trying to help me through it all, and one of the things that I remember was a psychiatrist friend of mine telling me to " Have it- no matter how bad it gets, just Have it, don't block it out, don't anaesthetise it with booze or pills, because it just delays the inevitable and makes the pain worse" 
It seems an odd thing to  call the day someone died  their "anniversary" but today is my son Nick's. So on days like these I remember those words and instead of fighting I will just "Have it".
I don't have a Yoik to sing but I do have a favourite song of his that we all associate with him! I will play it and see all of the things around me that remind me of him.