I hate "Pity me" stories, and I am loathe ever to talk about my own! I have a real horror at ever being seen as a "victim", having fought so very hard to be a survivor! But right now I am feeling a bit vulnerable, and when I feel like that I need to talk about it to someone I trust.
Abuse survivors don't trust easily, our trust barometers are completely shot, and we either trust people without question and often that leaves us vulnerable to further abuse, or we mistrust people in which case we can hurt others or alienate them!
I am so lucky because in the last few years I have found real trustworthy compassionate human beings, and they have all been Atheists, humanists, secularists.
I get so sick of hearing from religious people that THEY are the "good guys". It is simply NOT true!
I have had a wonderful few weeks, I have been teaching people in my "day job" that have all been brilliant, I have been to Italy to give a lecture about Survivors Voice Europe in a college there, and also to be with my dear friends. I have been to Poland and spoken in the Polish parliament,taken part in the atheists conference there and met some exceptional amazing people.
I get lovely messages every day from all over the World from other survivors and "like minded" people that lift my spirits and make me smile.
I have a great husband, fabulous kids, and three delightful grandchildren.
So what on earth would I have to whinge about?
The answer is of course more of the wretched legacy of the catholic church and the abuse I suffered.
And today it is just really pissing me off!
I am passionately keen to continue to teach the neuro-biology of childhood abuse, the research to demonstrate the damage to the brain and immune and metabolic systems is damning and the severity of it needs to be talked about more. It is my privilege privilege to be able to do that.
But often, to provide context, I talk about my own "legacy" from that, and I flippantly say I have nine life threatening or life limiting conditions.
All true, but usually I say it as if it is someone else I am talking about, I don't really "feel" it.
Yesterday I learned I have two more silly conditions, one of which will mean I have to take steroids every day for the rest of my life, and all of a sudden I was "feeling it"!
I am frightened.
So please my dear friends, forgive me for this self -pitying rant!
Now I cannot categorically prove that all of my ills stem from being abused so badly as a child, but the science tells me that is absolutely the case, and the evidence is very clear.
I have always seemed to be able to "dig deep" to fight my way out of a hole, those survivor skills have been honed by adversity!
But today I am frightened.
I will process it of course, and I will come out fighting ! I need to make it count, to transform that shit into manure for a beautiful garden! I need to step up my work and get these messages out to everyone, that way at least it will not have been for nothing.
So if you love me, and care about my fellow survivors, keep sending me those messages, showing me your pictures, inviting me to speak to you, helping me tell people about the truth of these crimes, and stop these tyrants from damaging anyone ever again.
Now I WILL dry my tears and get on with it!
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