Brain on duty!

Recovering from my operation has prompted me to tell you about the process and experience of being out of control again.It is wrong for those of us who are very "verbal" and appear always to be o.k. to not talk equally loudly about the times when things are NOT!
That is what sharing our experience strength and hope is all about. 
So I have to "fess up" that I have had a pretty shitty week trying to recover from this operation, and feeling vulnerable and sorry for myself.
The issue of course is all about "triggers" and one of mine is that I hate things that are "done" to me, that I have no control over, regardless of how beneficial they might be. It triggers every hurt and panic that i have ever experienced .
I teach about this all the time, about PTSD and how triggers work and yet when it happens to me again I get into a state of anxiety!
And that really is as it should be! My brain has logged in to those things that are dangerous to me, being out of control is one of them, and when faced with them I will go into "fight or flight" mode, it is a biological saviour! But it doesn't mean it doesn't fell bloody awful!
As I always say, the problem is not about knowing something, it is about feeling it!
The part of the brain that hears the wise words of "it will be ok" "you are getting better" "this is normal" etc. etc. is NOT the part of the brain that is screaming! And it cannot feel anything.
The part that IS screaming is the bit that cannot hear the wise words! All it does is FEEL!
My operation was to straighten my septum and clear my nasal passages so I can breathe more easily, it seems that as well as the other bits and pieces that go along with abuse (and old age!)  I have sleep apnoea which means I stop breathing entirely in the night,  not  healthy habit!
When I saw the consultant recently, he remarked that my breathing is "all over the place" apart from having asthma and bronchiectasis,  he asked me "any history of trauma"? It gave me quite a shock.
Of course I know about traumatic breathing in PTSD and i know that I have always struggled with my breathing, but to her the words again make it all so real.
The thing is that it doesn't go away! I know that too, but when faced with the reality of it I was again shocked.
And now because I have been  pretty inert, very little energy and have to rest a lot , I was  going crazy again! Things were  out of my control, and that  is a BIG trigger. I have cried buckets, about everything that happened to me, I have felt depressed and inconsequential and self absorbed and guilty.
I felt it didn't matter if I got up in the morning or I didn't, and I was miserable!
But knowing about my brain  and how it is hard wired to protect me, understanding why these triggers occur and why ultimately they are a GOOD thing , I can accept it better, and do something about it. 
That knowledge has given me the power to get over things quicker,  it  means I don't have to wallow for too long, and I can use the experience to my own advantage. 
Because the fact remains that there will never be a complete wiping of the slate, there will always be things I have to be aware of and avoid,  but knowing that my brain has got the power to safeguard me , is wired to allow me to survive -is a great comfort! 

(feeling better already!)