Modern Slavery?

It appears that Vincent Nicholls suggests that clergy abuse is only a "minor problem! (WTF!)
He goes on to say that the vatican have asked him to concentrate on,  and look further into modern slavery!
Well (you stupid bastard !) what do you think being hijacked and indoctrinated FROM BIRTH by a cruel judgemental narcissistic church and being made to be terrified of everything but breathing should be called if not slavery? 
To further  be terrified of dying in case you haven't measured up to their man made rules and nonsensical doctrine.
What do you call being trauma bonded to this regime, where even as a small child you have to "confess" your "sins" to the abuser behind the grill and where even your innermost thoughts are known to an all knowing vengeful mythical being?
What name would you give to the regime that sets itself up to be the moral benchmark for everyone else and yet sanctions the abuse of innocents? protects the abusers and covers up their crimes against humanity.?
Being made to adhere to every pronouncement of a man who says he is "infallable" and holds your entire life in his hands as well as your after life? 
What would you call the life of a child who has been violated and cast aside, desperately still trying to be part of the only "pack" they have ever known, sacrificing justice for themselves because to be excluded from this pack is terrifying. SLAVERY!!!
He says that they act from "compassion and understanding"  NOT guilt!
Well you ARE guilty! And you know NOTHING of compassion and you certainly do NOT have any understanding!
The catholic church and its heirarchy are GUILTY of crimes against children and humanity, 
So your job  Nicholls should be even easier and a lot quicker than the "minor problem" you consider clergy abuse!
Instead of worrying about the hundreds of thousands of people your clergy have  damaged,
You can go back and report to the vatican and tell them 
EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM IS  SLAVERY!! 
http://www.thesundaytimes.co.uk/sto/news/uk_news/article1490179.ece?CMP=OTH-gnws-standard-2014_11_30

The pedophile next door

BBC radio asked me to watch last night's channel four documentary "The Pedophile Next Door" and then they would telephone me to discuss it live today.
So I watched it, and often I don't watch everything like this, usually for my own sanity! The same as I don't always watch programmes about addiction, I always find they either get it wildly wrong and it pisses me off, or they get it right, in which case I don't need to watch it!
So I watched the programme and then they phoned to ask my thoughts. The first thought was that the interviewer was like a bloody red coat in a holiday camp! as much depth and gravitas as a candy floss, and that was irritating, and  inevitably her questions came from a candy floss thought process which was even more irritating!
The programme itself had some  merit, but had an awful  lot of low points too. The central theme was about a "pedophile"  Eddie, who  came forward on camera and said he didn't ever  "act out" and complained that there is no "help out there" for people like him.
There was a dubious research person who said she had lost her job because her research had found that there were many "pedophiles" like Eddie  who needed help before  they begin to offend, and seemed to think this is a new angle, and one that had gained her some controversy. She seemed to berate the parents in estates where known pedophiles live for rioting and "witch hunting" 
But here is the thing!
It is our evolutionary imperative to protect our young. It is primal and normal and correct. Parents are bound to react violently when they feel their children are vulnerable. When we stop doing that we are de humanised.
It is also correct that pedophiles "cannot help" having sexual feelings towards children.That is what they do.
But in the absence of a magic wand,  and knowing that pedophiles cannot change their predilections, we have mental  health services and the laws of the land, which should be given more "teeth" and a natural abborhance to crimes against children. 
The programme  wheeled out  a couple of survivors , as usual, for their perspective, and that never fails to make me cry, triggers pressed and heart breaking as I listened to what to us is a familiar pattern. 
I must have seen hundreds of these documentaries, and it is always the brave survivors I empathise with.  In fact that was pretty much the  bit of the 
programme that was of most value, showing the true face of abuse, but usually  these programmes it is the survivors set the scene and then the others exploit them. 
One survivor was asked to meet with Eddie and  I am afraid then I really started to balk. This is reminiscent of those who constantly ask if we can "forgive" our rapists, and when told NO! we are then the "baddies" and are blamed for OUR lack of compassion!
I found the whole thing quite confusing, and I didn't come away feeling optimistic about it.
There is always someone who thinks they have found a magic wand, a new angle a different slant.
I was then asked if I now "understood " more about pedophiles!!!!!! - PLEASE ! I understand from a very dark place indeed!
I do not need  to bloody understand them any more ! I just need for them to be contained, given therapy where possible to keep them from acting out their desires, and I need for them to face the consequences of any of their actions. I need for the institutions who harbour and protect them to face the full weight of the law. And I want everyone to be aware of the real  severity of the damage to the victims of abuse.
I do NOT need  for them to be portrayed as martyrs.  
I cannot factor them into my world.

I can also  "understand"  psychopaths, sociopaths terrorists, thieves  and rapists, and I  cannot factor them into my world either.

My fear is that the kind of mixed messages will result in a distorted view of child abuse , like in a report from the US this week, where some pedophiles are complaining that they are not being treated fairly when homosexuals  are "loved and respected"!!!!  (WTF!)

It all made me renew my resolve  that  as Ton and I decided long ago,  our contribution as Survivors Voice Europe would remain  the connections with,  and the empowerment of survivors!

Nothing sweet about me!

At dinner , the talk  got around to books. One of my sisters in law chatted away to m about "Mills and Boone" type romantic stories, her choice of course, but what was amazing to me was that she thought quite definitely that this would also be my choice of reading material!!! YUK !
I read lots of non- fiction books of course, lots of inspiring science etc,  But The company were quite amazed when I told them that if I read fiction it is very hard core stuff! Nordic Noire, serial killers, thrillers, even Ku Klux Clan!
We got to talking about how we make so many assumptions about people, the music they might like the way they may feel about stuff, and it was quite a revelation.
I for example, don't do maudlin sentimentality! It makes me cringe.
I don't listen to slow "meaningful" songs, I like loud rock music - anything that makes me want to dance!
I wouldn't thank anyone for expensive chocolates, but having grown up by the sea I would almost do murder for a stick of rock!
I don't do sickly sweet posts on facebook, I don't enjoy tear jerking christmas adverts  or sloppy films!
Does this make me cold heartless bitch? I certainly hope not! !

I love so many things and people, I care passionately about many causes, I just  have a different way of thinking about it.
When I was young, I was bombarded with hypocritical over sentimental religious crap, the  "beatific" pose of my mother and her sainted sisters concerning all things vaguely catholic The sickly veneer designed to show piety, when underneath there was judgmentality, cruel criticism and  abuse.  The imperitive to preserve the face of the church, the lies and the threats. Smiling at everyone and yet at home praying for someone to die because they didn't measure up.
Every time I did anything wrong I was told that it was "like going up to the baby jesus in his pram, and SLAPPING him really hard until he cried, and then doing it again and again"
I felt lower than a snakes belly in the grass, which of course was the whole idea!
Emotional blackmail and psycho-terror was what was underneath that pious sickly sweet veneer.
So I don't do it, I don't trust it, and it makes me feel hypocritical.
But I DO have meaningful "talsimen"
I am wearing a silver necklace that Ton bought me when we were in Geneva at the UN.
I wear  a ring that I got  from Gary's brother at a fete when I was in Boston .
I wear some earrings with the Happy Humanist symbol
Although I left behind the AA programme many years ago, I wear a 
bracelet with the AA symbol on it, to remind me how my life was saved.
I have a tattoo on my arm  which says "Nicholas" in Chinese , reminds me of my beautiful son who died, and also that I practice Chinese medicine.
My car has a "Darwin" sticker on the bonnet.
I have a clock in the wall of my office made in Nepal of `Bamboo, a treasured memory.
A " Coldstream Guards" shield on another  wall to remind me of one of my son's army carreer.
I wear a watch that my very close friend Kim bought me for my sixtieth birthday, Cartier, far too expensive for me but he is so like that1

On the back of my bedroom door, I have all my scarves, although I have never bought a scarf for myself in my life.
There is the one that my beautiful Italian friend Paola gave me, the one that Alda gave me, the one my grandaughter brought back for me from Bolivia, the one that my Nepalese Humanist visitors brought me from Katmandu, the wonderfully finely knitted one that John and Sally Shuster brought me from the US. Others that the children have given me for presents over the years.
My house is full of the wonderful paintings that Gez has painted especially for me. And everywhere I turn there is a memory of someone or something that means a lot to me.
Love is what drives me and what sustains me, I just wouldn't feel my heart was safe  if it were  worn safe on my sleeve!

Brain on duty!

Recovering from my operation has prompted me to tell you about the process and experience of being out of control again.It is wrong for those of us who are very "verbal" and appear always to be o.k. to not talk equally loudly about the times when things are NOT!
That is what sharing our experience strength and hope is all about. 
So I have to "fess up" that I have had a pretty shitty week trying to recover from this operation, and feeling vulnerable and sorry for myself.
The issue of course is all about "triggers" and one of mine is that I hate things that are "done" to me, that I have no control over, regardless of how beneficial they might be. It triggers every hurt and panic that i have ever experienced .
I teach about this all the time, about PTSD and how triggers work and yet when it happens to me again I get into a state of anxiety!
And that really is as it should be! My brain has logged in to those things that are dangerous to me, being out of control is one of them, and when faced with them I will go into "fight or flight" mode, it is a biological saviour! But it doesn't mean it doesn't fell bloody awful!
As I always say, the problem is not about knowing something, it is about feeling it!
The part of the brain that hears the wise words of "it will be ok" "you are getting better" "this is normal" etc. etc. is NOT the part of the brain that is screaming! And it cannot feel anything.
The part that IS screaming is the bit that cannot hear the wise words! All it does is FEEL!
My operation was to straighten my septum and clear my nasal passages so I can breathe more easily, it seems that as well as the other bits and pieces that go along with abuse (and old age!)  I have sleep apnoea which means I stop breathing entirely in the night,  not  healthy habit!
When I saw the consultant recently, he remarked that my breathing is "all over the place" apart from having asthma and bronchiectasis,  he asked me "any history of trauma"? It gave me quite a shock.
Of course I know about traumatic breathing in PTSD and i know that I have always struggled with my breathing, but to her the words again make it all so real.
The thing is that it doesn't go away! I know that too, but when faced with the reality of it I was again shocked.
And now because I have been  pretty inert, very little energy and have to rest a lot , I was  going crazy again! Things were  out of my control, and that  is a BIG trigger. I have cried buckets, about everything that happened to me, I have felt depressed and inconsequential and self absorbed and guilty.
I felt it didn't matter if I got up in the morning or I didn't, and I was miserable!
But knowing about my brain  and how it is hard wired to protect me, understanding why these triggers occur and why ultimately they are a GOOD thing , I can accept it better, and do something about it. 
That knowledge has given me the power to get over things quicker,  it  means I don't have to wallow for too long, and I can use the experience to my own advantage. 
Because the fact remains that there will never be a complete wiping of the slate, there will always be things I have to be aware of and avoid,  but knowing that my brain has got the power to safeguard me , is wired to allow me to survive -is a great comfort! 

(feeling better already!)

IT NEVER HURT ME!

And while I am on the subject, when we are looking for justice for the crimes of childhood sexual abuse and institutional cover ups,  what on earth  would possess us to feel great about going to our legal system? There may be some dedicated and committed lawyers here, but most of the time our archaic system renders them toothless!
When the highest court in our land, the House of Lords  is full of landed gentry,who mostly have inherited their titles,half of whom  have been to Public schools where "buggering little boys" was almost seen as jolly sport and "It never hurt me" is often  their  insane justification!
IT WAS CHILD ABUSE you morons!
Top all that with the 26 unelected bishops who have their place in the House of Lords,  It does not bode well for fair and just unbiased attitude against  those in power who have abused their positions of trust and continue to do so. WTF!

That will Do!

Wonder why people think it is ok to offer a "that will do" approach to clergy abuse?
It is everywhere, and especially as we see the debacle of this "over arching enquiry" in the UK. A cynical "that will do" mentality, to satisfy critics, and then a quick turn around when the Home Secretary realises she hasn't a clue.
She has a "panel" of course, who they are is unclear, how they were chosen is equally unclear, and in the mean time survivors are left feeling sidelined or exploited.
Some victim groups are equally easily satisfied, as long as they get their "funding" or their kudos, they will settle for very little for those they represent. This is NOT acceptable!
It is simply appalling that having survived the worst betrayal of body and trust we should be relegated  to the position of vermine scavenging for our needs to be met by unfeeling, ignorant  or cynical people with their own agendas.
STOP BLOODY BEGGING! 

For Survivors of sexual abuse:
NOTHING but the very BEST will do!
The very BEST legal representation, 
The very BEST  therapy, 
The very BEST  choices, 
The very BEST and FULL attention to all of the complexities of their plight.
An all inclusive, open and transparent honest attempt to put things right, 
Anything less is not good enough!
And if we, as survivors, accept this cynical and condescending attitude, we are accepting a second class place in our world and after what we have all endured, it is  simply NOT good enough!
Take your rightful place as the precious irreplaceable unique individual you really are and hold out for the very BEST!

LETTER TO THERESA MAY 3RD NOVEMBER 2014

Enclose a copy of the letter that we are sending today to Theresa May before this becomes any more of a farce!

Dear Home Secretary

I write as the founder of a European-wide network of Survivors of abuse, based here in the Midlands, and as an NGO for the United Nations Commission for the Rights of the Child in relation to child abuse.

I hear today that you are going to be making a statement in the House of Commons to illustrate your plans for the over-arching enquiry into historic child abuse in this country and I also hear that you are going to be consulting survivor groups for their input into this.  We welcome this as in order for this inquiry to move forward, we believe that you are going to need to go back to grass roots.

For my organisation and in light of our involvement with the UN CRC in relation to both the Vatican cover-up of abuse and the Committee against Torture, we formally request the opportunity to meet with you to discuss the needs of the thousands of survivors from our organisation, specifically as our expertise is in relation to institutional and clergy abuse.

We take no pleasure is saying this but the truth is that the UK did not fair as well as it might have done in relation to child welfare reviews with the UN in recent years.  Yet here we have a unique opportunity to show the rest of the world that we are not afraid to look under our own rocks to see what is crawling there and to deal with it in an authentic, professional, ethical and inspirational way. 

What concerns our organisation is that unless this is done correctly and in a thorough and head-on manner, it will simply look like avoidance, box-ticking, additional cover-ups and will undermine the survivor community’s genuine hopes that you are the person to make this happen.  If not then it will fall by the wayside as so many other so-called investigations have.  Survivors are used to just having something ‘thrown at them’ to shut them up or to appease them, or because other people believe that they know what we need. This inquiry needs to break that trend once and for all.

We believe that we are at a critical and historic moment in relation to how we respond to ever-increasing covered up child abuse cases, and I believe it is up to everyone with a voice to be part of that in a brave and fearless way.  This is not a palatable subject, it will be painful to hear and sad to see but to delay any further is costing lives – that is not dramatic, that is the reality and truth of the damage that is being done to survivors every single day. We do not want this inquiry to be another part of that damage.

We have been asked by the UN CRC to report back to them with developments in this arena in our country and we will continue to do that.  We want to be able to say as evidence givers that the UK is doing something radical and profound in relation to child abuse and we would hope that this would be something that our government would be behind.

We respectfully believe it would be essential to meet with you and your team in the first instance to put our stance across and to have the opportunity to make our recommendations.  Whilst we know that you have appointed a number of individuals to the enquiry team, we have to be very clear and say that nobody on that team speaks for our organisation as our views and professional and ethical methodologies are so vastly different.  This should not preclude our ability to have a commentary in how this process evolves and we expect to be given such an opportunity before any further work or nominations to the enquiry board are made.

Yours sincerely

Sue Cox