Every Easter I thank the universe, reason and sanity that I have escaped, and no longer have to be a part of the wretched narcissistic catholic church with  all it's cruelty. 

I dreaded,  as a child those endless Easter rituals, fasting, rosary,  stations of the cross etc.etc. a colossal  waste of time spent perpetually  on our knees!

When my adopted Mother got old, and she became even more of a bully, it was very hard to take. But  for some reason I had this silly glimmer of an idea that maybe I could look after her, as she became more dependant, I suppose I thought we might be able to find some sort of connection in her last years. She was, after all the only "family" I had known, and I felt a duty towards her despite her cruelty and neglect. 

But as always, she wanted to do that on her terms, she wanted to come to my home, and take control, dominate my  children, dictate on everything, decide on every aspect of my life, despite the fact that I had been alone (and with no help) for quite a few years with my six children!  She even suggested we should sleep together for “warmth”, she and her tightly bonded sisters had always slept in each other's beds. As a child I often had one of them in my bed too, I never knew who would come to stay next, and my bedroom was never my own. I thought the idea hideous!

It didn’t ever happen, I am grateful to say,  I soon realised  it would have been disastrous!But fate took it out of her hands anyway,  she unfortunately had a fall, broke her hip, and ultimately  went quite senile.  
I  brought her to a nursing home near to me so that I could keep an eye on her. She was quite oblivious to who anyone was, but when she saw my face it always triggered her angrily barking out instructions! that was of course what she had always done! And she often talked about me - to me - even describing how she had “lost a grandson” I felt even more  hurt all the time.

However, when she was very ill and clearly nearing the end of her life, I thought, because of her faith, (although it stuck in my throat,) I should send for a priest. It was, after all what she would want. 

He came to see her, and he was a young Vietnamese man, she had never met him, but as soon as he entered the room, with his clerical dog collar, her face lit up in what can only be described as “rapture”, and her  head went automatically into that sickly  beatific pose “Yes Father , no Father , I am not worthy Father, Thankyou Father” and she rattled off all of the prayers, along with him.

He smiled and condescendingly  said to me “that just shows a lifetime of prayer” in an attempt to comfort me I suppose.

But I know it was just long term potentiation, and came actually from   a lifetime of indoctrination, bigotry, cruelty and abuse, and an absolute waste.

The "F" word of Easter!

Here we go again - the bloody "F" word of easter!
I am sick and tired of being asked if I "forgive" the church, the pedophile priest, the cover ups the crimes against humanity!!!!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!!!!!
I do NOT forgive them!
Turning the other cheek is exactly what these narcissists rely on! They thrive on people who sanctimoniously "forgive" them!
They don't give a shit about their victims, their crimes or their lies, just their image! 
They tell me that Easter is the time of "forgiveness"
The only thing I will forgive this Easter is myself for the amount of chocolate I will probably consume!

                          

Cuckoo in the nest

I don't think too much about having been adopted, of course I don't, I am almost seventy for f...s sake, it is a long time ago!
But as with all traumatic events(and it WAS traumatic!) they leave an indelible and irreversible mark on each of us. The more I know and learn about epigenetics and neuro-science, the more I understand  about the physical changes that occur. And in the same way as other traumas, there will be  "triggers", out of our control, when a sudden smell or sound or witnessing a repetition of an event, sets off that trigger and puts us right back back in the trauma.
I have talked a lot about having been "bought" and being brought up in that strict and  superstitious toxic catholic environment, with all of the damage and abuse that was incurred. 
But I have never been so "triggered" by the adoption stuff , as I am at present when I am hearing about a little girl who is to be adopted, in what I consider to be an equally inappropriate way. I am finding myself getting really angry.
She is seven years old, has a brother who is only ten months younger than her, and who she has never been separated from. She lives with him in a very nice foster family,where she has been for eighteen months,  having been removed from her birth family twice already.
The foster family have looked after her very well, she has a lovely bedroom, the family have a labrador puppy, she is in  a school she likes, had  a tea party for her birthday, and the family have weaned her off vast amounts of sugar, introduced her to vegetables and shown her how to grow her own little vegetable patch.
She is to be adopted by a sour faced and very bitter single woman of fifty, who lives in a house that looks like it was furnished  for an eighty year old. She is a professional woman, and so therefore believes that she is an ideal parent. She is vegetarian, the child is not (So we will see about that!she says) She wants a child who is "being good at school, and is not a fussy eater"She has VERY strong opinions about "boundaries" and is argumentative and arrogant.I am told that these days, adoptive parents are put through stringent "checks" but in this case I cannot see that it was anywhere near robust enough.
I feel so distraught about it! I want to go and rescue her, I hate the idea of her being brought up, like I was, as a toy for some embittered and unhappy woman. I cannot get it off my mind.
Adoption is NOT always the answer! We seem, as a society to feel the need to get unwanted children into other people's  "homes" as quickly as possible. Of course there are happy stories, I could not deny that, but there are far more that are not.
I fear this child will feel like me, a cuckoo in a nest, an alien in a world she cannot relate to.I fear that like me every time she does something wrong it will be blamed on her "bad blood" whereas every time she does something well it will be because of this woman's benevolence.
I remember as a very small child having my hair permed because my mother wanted a curly haired child! She changed my name from Christine to Susan, because there was another child somewhere in the family with the same name, and so many other things I could go on and on with.  
You know, it is actually ok to be a lone child, perhaps even  in an institution, as long as you are in an environment where you are valued and prepared for the future when you can make many changes and dreams come true!
For me there is nothing worse than feeling you have to "perform" for your needs to be met, where love is only ever earned and can be withdrawn as easily.
There has to be another way! Somewhere where she can learn that she is a precious and irreplaceable unique part of the Universe, and is made of Stardust!