"Forthcoming" Book!

My forthcoming book is titled  "Unholy Alien" !!!
(to be fair it has been "forthcoming" for a couple of years now!

I don't know about any of you, but when I was taught Physics at school it was taught so badly and was appalling! I didn't learn very much science  despite being at my snobby grammar school, apart from how to make pretty pictures with magnets and iron filings, and something else about tuning forks (not a clue what!) so I dropped physics like a ton of hot bricks as soon as I was able. The fact that  I was already a mental and emotionally disturbed teenager, quite suicidal and terrified of school  did not help! 

But as I have grown and recovered from my early traumas, indoctrinations and creationist nonsense, I realise that missing out on learning science properly was such a dreadful  shame.

If anyone had told me back then that I was "made of stardust" I might have stayed around in those physics lessons to find out why. Stayed to hear the rest of the wonders of the Universe as seen through the eyes of science. 

I do that now of course, but I can't help being furious  that I missed so many years of all that wonder.

I believe that  a wonderful way to start anyone's recovery from childhood abuse, is to strip everything back down to the absolute basics, begin with the real evidence  - that we are made from the stars, and that we are each one of us a unique irreplaceable individual. There has never been anyone exactly like you before, and there never will be again! 

You are a "One off". Starting there, knowing this,  is hopeful and exciting.

All the other piles of crap that were layered  upon me had to be really stripped down to this in order for me to make any real sense of my existence. I had been  blinded for many years, and desperately fumbling around in the dark for answers.

I have been many things in my life, and tried many roads to recovery, and I think I learned a little from each one, absorbing the best of each. But it has been re-discovering and falling in love with science that has made the lasting difference,  learning that I am part of nature, part of the universe, part of the stardust that makes everything, that has finally made me feel I have some  worth, some sense of belonging when for many years I felt like an alien in this  world that I so badly wanted to be part of.

So  in the  book that I am writing, my intention is to explore objectively the damages done to me and others like me, taking out all of the emotive nonsense, and using  the scientific evidence, (along with some  tips and tricks I have  learned in my other roles and professions as I stumbled into something resembling wholeness !)  to create a stellar  "5 star" recovery programme that all survivors - no matter where they come  from can use in order to regain their own "stardust" existence. 

The scientific principle  to me is the only way to do this, and so with solid  evidence, and help from some people who are so much cleverer than I, we can perhaps ignite the passion for freedom and wonder that we have lost sight of during our ordeals. 

Along with all of the other cruel lies that kept me tied to that narcissistic catholic regime, I think one of the worst is not allowing me to know the wonderful magical truth of my  existence. 

I am making up for a LOT of lost time, and I want to pass on a cross pollination of thoughts and inspirations that have helped me! 

Keeping it simple !

I am saddened by all of the  divisive fighting that has occurred between survivors over this wretched Government "enquiry". There are damaged people battling with equally damaged people over who said what  to whom and and who is "right." 
When actually it is all so complex there can be no "right" way. There is bitterness and "hostage taking" and a lot of pain.
It was ever thus.
And it is one of the very real reasons  why this terrible crime has never really been addressed to anybody's satisfaction.
It is instinctive as a survivor to " fight" - that has been one of the dreadful legacies of abuse. We are constantly hyper-vigilant, constantly in fight or flight mode, and  often have been so downtrodden that we also get into jostling for pole position.
Over the decades there have been very many "organisations" grown up, and they nearly all suffer the same fate, they implode because of the collective damage of the individuals and each person's (quite understandable) mistrust.
It is one of the things that has kept giving the church a "get out of jail free card", they are canny enough to know that if they stall and deflect long enough, then their victims will destroy themselves without any input from them.When we fight we play right into their hands.
It is also natural for individual survivors to want their OWN voice, that which has been denied them for so long. There can be  no such thing as a collective voice, our own voice  is what was taken from us in the first place.and so we will fight again to be heard.
It is a dilemma, and it doesn't seem to be abating any time soon,  and that is a shame, because it makes survivors appear inadequate , and will perpetuate people's pain  even longer.
I am not saying this from any "Ivory tower!"  I am quite capable of fighting like a tiger, or even dirty when I am threatened! I STILL have that legacy!
But it NEVER does me any good, I  never feel at peace, all I feel is more anger.When I feel that anger coming up into my throat, I have to try and transform it in some way, because it WILL cause me more pain! I don't always manage it- but then I am still a work in progress! I do have choices these days.
I think that is one of the reasons that  I feel so very close to my deaf and speech impaired friends in Verona, we can only ever communicate on a very basic level, we don't have a very complicated common language so we never get into "politics" or hidden agendas. All we can do is connect in a beautiful simple way, with our hearts.
When I first heard their stories, I was of course shocked by the crimes committed against them, but what impressed me more than anything was their dignity, their bravery and their HUMOUR! 
They joked and bantered with each other and it was infectious.
I never got a great deal of satisfaction out of "demonstrating" in Rome, apart from meeting others who were like minded, the  demonstration was a a fruitless effort! No one really listened to any of the speeches, or the words of wisdom, largely because there were so many languages involved, and the words have all been said before.
We didn't get anywhere by meeting with Frederico Lombardi, he didn't hear a word we said and he was there to  get some publicity at our expense. But we all smiled at each other as we lit our lanterns, and we sang together to the loud and irreverent  music!
The following year we didn't protest at all! We celebrated! and we set off hundreds of chinese lanterns into the sky over Rome and dance with each other in the Piazza Castel Saint Angelo just pleased to reconnect and share a special magical moment. 

There is no dignity or gentleness in fighting, there is only more fighting! I for one crave the gentleness that my abuses didn't allow me. 
There is  a great deal of beauty and value in a simple kind gesture, a hug,  a smile,  a dance,  a hand held. 
I am distancing myself from all of the fighting, all of the opinions and the battles, we all know that we have been cruelly treated and unfairly dealt with, but for me, dwelling constantly on that will not allow me any peace. 
I will instead, be hoping to connect to my fellow travellers in all of the simple  gentle ways that allow me to feel an affinity, and make me smile.

Super Power!

I read something today where someone  remarked how  it was so “difficult” to work with survivors of abuse-  because even after years and years  “they still  have HUGE mistrust”

And your point is? Your expectations what?

It may  be difficult for you to “work with” but it is a bloody sight harder to live with!

Try being constantly on “ hyper alert “, in “fight or flight”  mode perpetually,.

Try NOT to see people as threatening when everything in your being is screaming RUN!

Try living your entire life, feeling unworthy.. 

Try feeling isolated from the rest of the Human race because of  dark and shameful secrets.

Try being made to feel shame and embarrassment when you finally try and speak about your damage.

Try being shunned when you keep quiet, and shunned when you speak out

Try watching what happened to you and others like you played out on televisions or newspapers to be  scrutinised and judged.

Try being doubted, dismissed, alienated.

Try managing despite those burdens to find a way to stay alive and forge some kind of decent existence, even make a valuable contribution.

Then TRY and listen to some bloody idiot say “you are “difficult” to work with”

The thing about mistrust is far deeper and far reaching than those few words portray.

That I learned far too early that people could be cruel and untrustworthy, hypocritical and veneered with outward benevolence, only served to make me trust NO-ONE and to look after myself.

The fact that I have done that, and I still do that may be “difficult” to work with - but it is my survival skill you sanctimonious prat!   My own personal  “Super Power!” 

Don’t even THINK about taking that from me! 

Stick the pity!

Don’t you think that PITY is just the most demeaning,  insulting emotion? 

Since I spoke out about being a clergy abuse survivor I have come across this attitude much too often, usually from  people who have very little knowledge of the subject and make the  “Two blokes in the pub” assumptions.

Don’t get me wrong, I have also been overwhelmed by the support from REAL compassionate people of integrity and decency, (and I have to say they have almost exclusively  been atheists, humanists, secularists! )

But I have been embarrassed on more than one occasion by others who mistake “PITY” for compassion, and who want to run the show rather than stand in solidarity. 

I have been insulted by those who want to pray for me because they presume that I have a desire to be “reunited” with that appalling  church, even pitying my exclusion! 

What arrogance to think  that  having experienced the church’s narcissism I would  still have anything to do with them? 

It is actually shaming for  people like me to be “PITIED” as if we are incapable victims with low intellect and few resources.

Survivors are actually very strong in many ways, we have honed those survivors skills out of necessity.

Lets face it,we have pretty much always had to look after ourselves, it is only recently that there is a flurry of interest in our cause! And even that comes with all sorts of agendas!

So having battled through  pretty much on our own, - despite the betrayals and life destroying experiences, the last thing we need is PITY! 

That demeaning attitude is even  reinforced every day by many “survivor organisations” who  are making careers out of their fellow survivors, presuming that they are a step ahead in some way.

I was recently sent a flyer by a friend in Australia  that is regularly distributed by a large child abuse charity here in the UK , and I have never heard such patronising condescending claptrap in my life! Negative and disempowering, it is presumptuous and disgraceful.

That “The two blokes in the pub” with their limited knowledge get it wrong is bad enough, but when people who should know better and who constantly  “fundraise”  in order to perpetuate their own agendas and exploit fellow survivors it is far worse. 

And all they actually offer is PITY! wrapped up in a cloak of assumed knowledge and their own hubris and grandiosity.

To top all of that these people are metaphorically “rattling their begging tins” in competition with charities of REAL need, and who are actually DOING some good! Then they relegate their fellow survivors to the role of victim where they will experience  again that feeling of being inadequate and of little consequence.

Real Survivors don’t do that! Real Survivors are standing shoulder to shoulder with each other, and sharing their strengths. Real Survivors are using those  strengths to help in all areas of life, all manner of fields, not feeling they alone have the monopoly on suffering. Real Survivors don’t put their trust in those who disempower them, instead they celebrate each survival, each unique irreplaceable human being, knowing that despite repression and against all of the odds they are alive!

I for one didn’t go through all of that shit to be pitied! 

I actually PITY those who are still in the grips of that abusive church, and cannot see the wolf for the sheep’s clothing.