Jump off the toxic merry go round!

It is no great secret that I began my journey into recovery with the help of AA. Before I could have dealt with all of the abuse stuff (and the rest), I had to deal with that which was killing me! I owe my life to the people in that fellowship, and the wisdom therein. 
I learned a great deal from the simplicity and pocket wisdom of people also in recovery, and I was able to stomach the things about it that I couldn't agree with, because of the humanity and indeed humility of the people. For example, I do not believe in god, or any other "higher power" outside of this world, neither do I  agree that I continue to be   "powerless" and I certainly therefore could not, as the third step of AA demands "hand over my life and will to the care of god as I understand him". I was sick of the negativity of having to dwell on  all my "shortcomings" and "character defects" and I had to stop being a professional "blame acceptor" 
So there was an inevitable time  when I had to "graduate,"  and move on from that "E.R." into the real world.
I did take along with me a lot of gems that have helped me over the years and can  be used by anyone in  times of any kind of difficulty. 
So for example every meeting of AA or NA ends with the "serenity prayer" and we were  urged to "use the word "god" as we understand it" Well I never did use the word, I don't pray, because I do not have any belief  or interest in a mythical being, so I missed  out the word altogether.
I do however think there is great wisdom in its simple message to:
"Have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change , the  courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference! 
I have had occasions over the last few days to think about this more deeply, while talking to two different  people who have got very "stuck" trying to resolve an intractable problem and going round and round  again, like a merry go round, never reaching a solution and making the same mistakes over again. 
We so easily keep banging our heads on a brick wall in the hope of a different outcome, when the ONLY thing to do is accept we cannot change it.
Jump off that merry go round!
In my fight back to life, I have always had to be very tough on myself, - black and white - no shades of grey. If something is poisonous I believe you have to stop taking it! whether that is a chemical, a situation, a person, or  a church!
If something is toxic it will remain so, and I have to cut it out! 
I also learned the cliche "If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always got! and that has stood me in good stead too.
It is pointless trying to change the narcissistic church, that much is something I have absolutely accepted! I will not waste another ounce of my energy banging my head on that particular brick wall!
So I had to find the courage to change the things I can - myself,  my attitude to them, and to empower my own recovery from their abuses,and particularly  keep away from all toxicity.
With that rule of thumb, the wisdom to know the difference then becomes very easy.

January Sucks!

 January always make me a bit weird, and a lot miserable! It is a month I dread, being the month that I lost my son Nick, just 10 days before his 20th birthday.  Now Nick is no more dead on the date of his anniversary, January 18th than he is every other day, but somehow that date, the miserable weather, the greyness, the damp, puts me right back to that greyest time of my life. That is why I am posting it a day early! I know I will be a wreck on Sunday!
Anyone who has ever had a child will tell you that to lose him or her is their worst nightmare. 
Anyone who has ever lost a child will tell you the nightmare is far worse than you could possibly have imagined.
Every year I write something about him around his anniversary, you would think that I would have run out of things to say about him by now. But every year when he isn't here, I think of so many things he has missed, the things I have missed sharing with him, and of course those things mount up with  each year that passes! The people who weren't born  yet who he would have loved, his two nephews and niece who would no doubt have been the apple of his eye. Two Brothers in law and a sister in law he never met, no doubt he would have been nagging his brother to marry his wonderful partner now that same sex marriages are possible- he would have wanted  to be  their best man! 
I wonder what he would have thought about I pods? (I know quite a few songs that would be on his!) 
I wonder what he would have made of Facebook (I know his would have been full!) 
I KNOW what he would have thought of terrorists, freedom of speech, LGBT rights, Human rights, Animal rights, unfairness and inequality in all things. I know that he would have been loved and have given so much love, as he always did.
It is a myth to say things get better over time, one simply manages to find a few tricks to cope.
I  have always thought it a bit unkind when someone old dies and people say "He had a good innings" meaning a long life. When actually the longer someone has been in your life , the harder it is to lose them.
Equally, the longer someone you love has been dead, the longer the pain, the heavier the burden.
I am reminded of a story  of a teacher who held a glass of water up in front of her class as the class began.They all presumed she was going to ask the "glass half full or half empty " question. But instead she asked them "How heavy is this glass of water"? They shouted out the answers, ranging from 8oz to 20oz. 
But as she explained "The absolute weight doesn't matter, it all depends on how long I have been holding it. If I hold it for a minute I will hardly notice it, but if I have to hold it for an hour my arm will start to ache, if I had to hold it for a day, my arm would feel numb and  paralysed. In each case the weight of the glass doesn't change, but the longer I hold it the heavier it becomes".
The worries and stresses and traumas of life are a lot like that, if we think about them for a minute they are almost bearable, if we think about them longer they really start to hurt, if we think of them all day long, we become paralysed and unable to do anything. 
With some of our  worries and  pain we can put the burdens  down - let go of them. With other things like losing a child,  it would be impossible, so we have to find ways to function despite our being paralysed.
Most of the time my broken heart doesn't show, I have my armour in place, the guard is up, I can even talk about what happened to him without crying. But in unguarded moments, a snippet of music, a facial expression from one of his brothers or sisters, bumping into one of his school friends out of the blue can destroy me in seconds.
The world is poorer for losing Nick and people like him, and in January I feel the  poorest of all, and that glass of water weighs ten tons.

                           

Must stop whinging!

It is funny how lessons just "come at you"! That is, I suppose if you see them as lessons and not setbacks!
It is also funny how one thought sets of another train of thought and on and on.
This week I was shocked to learn that a post I had re-shared about Muslims in Britain, quite innocently, had originated from a neo -nazi organisation that seems to manipulate these videos for maximum fear. Using hate tactics and firing people up with their distortions. I quickly removed it, and felt sickened when I researched their organisation.
One of the sites that has been "exposing" them, has a logo showing a large lion and a slogan that says "Be part of the Pride - Not the Prejudice"! I love it! I know it has been used by others, Gay pride and even a video game, but how I read it was more about my country, where  Jane Austin was born,  and where there is a tendency at the moment to moan about our lot!
Now I can't lay claim to being "Proud" of what is great about Britain, that would imply that I had anything to do with it! It is, after all accident of birth!Nor would I disagree that there are times in our history that we shouldn't be too proud of! Nor do I not see there are things still that we need to protest and change!
But I have to say it did make me think about my environment, and how fortunate I am to live in a country which (despite it's shit weather ) is relatively moderate, with free speech, freedom of movement, great history, rich diversity, lots of tea shops,  no gun laws, no identity cards etc.
I would be a liar if I said I wasn't proud of the 20,000 people who turned out in 2010 to protest against the pope's visit! I cannot either say I wasn't proud and honoured to speak to begin that march and to hear it dedicated to all the victims of catholic clergy abuse!I have never seen anything quite like that anywhere! On that day I was VERY proud to be British! 

And as I am on my grateful train of thought, I think about where I actually live.In five minutes I can be in the woods or up on the hills, being able to see five counties.
In 15 minutes I can be in Stratford on Avon, walking blindly past Shakespeare's birthplace on my way to Mark's and Spencer's! In ten minutes I can be at Warwick castle, the finest of medieval castles. In 40 minutes I can be in the centre of Oxford, with it's dreaming spires, wonderful colleges where so many amazing people have studied, and of course Morse! In twenty minutes I can be in the middle of the Cotswolds, with it's pretty villages and streams, in one hour I can be in London, my favourite city in the whole world, and in one hour I can even be in Downton! So today I am grateful for my environment and  that today I don't expect to be arrested, or flogged, or jailed or slaughtered, and I am thinking so much about people who are not as fortunate, and who maybe I can support in some small way. I hope too that I remember to stop whinging!

VERY reluctant martyr!

“ Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.”~ Winston Churchill

Listening to the atrocities  in Paris, and in fact all over the world where terror is being meted out by those who seem to think they can kill anyone who disagrees with their ideas. I am shocked by so many  of these stories.
I came across the stuff about these terrorists  being willing to die themselves for their cause,  and if they are killed while committing their vile acts then they will become  "Martyrs".
This ridiculous idea of "martyrdom" seems to permeate  all of these man made extreme religions, including the sick catholic one that I was thrown into.

In fact in  all of my early years I truly expected to become a martyr! Not the domestic kind that we all secretly cringe at, those terminal doormats who whinge a lot,  but a real “suffer intolerable torture and die for your faith” kind of martyr.

I was brought up in such a fear filled catholic environment where everything but breathing was considered sinful, and catholics considered themselves to be a persecuted minority. I was told that I would have to be prepared to die if asked to "renounce" my catholic faith.

 I didn’t particularly relish the idea (especially when I was five) - in fact I dreaded the time when I would  be called upon to stand and be counted, and then perhaps beheaded or burnt at the stake rather than denounce my faith.

  I felt dreadfully guilty at my reluctance, and ashamed to admit that I would really prefer to live a little while longer and risk hellfire and damnation.

 It was never actually made clear  quite who it was that  would ask  me to die rather than give up the catholic faith. It was just what I had been told might very well happen. Nor was I ever told  why anyone would need me to renounce my "faith"?  I just presumed that whoever "they"  were, they would come for me at some point, ask me to give up being a catholic or die,  and I already feared I would be found lacking!

I was born just after the second world war, and we were fed a diet of heroic war films and stories, so I imagined my “collection” for martyrdom would be something like a Gestapo raid.

 The thing about martyrs it seemed was  that they were  always willing, in fact  positively  happy to die for their faith, according to my mother and her practically  “sainted” sisters!

In my sheer terror,  I listened dutifully, and prayed incessantly, but no amount of inspirational stories made me willing! I began to fear the inevitable choices I would be asked to make.

 I didn’t dare tell anyone about my unwillingness, having learned very early that to show any kind of reluctance when called upon to demonstrate my devotion resulted in severe disapproval, absolute exclusion, punishment or emotional torment.

 I think one of the worst experiences for a child is to be ignored, excluded, invisible. For me, it was so painful that it was to be avoided at all costs.

 I knew that the worst thing I could do (among all the other “intolerable sins” which I committed on a daily basis) was to show a “lack of faith”.

So I kept my unwillingness well hidden, it became an imperative because I thought terrible things would happen to me if I didn't preserve the illusion.
The first time  I was abused by one of their "holy" priests, I even imagined that this might be the beginning of my martyrdom! (I was TEN!) and so then I  should not have been surprised when my Mother (who caught him "in the act" when I was thirteen) did nothing to help me, suggested that this must be "part of god's plan" and that I should "pray" for the priest!
 I simply felt sacrificial.
There is something sickeningly  abhorrant about these religions that nullify anyone's life in any way, to make any one human being's existence of no consequence. These hierarchical narcissistic religions that terrify and indoctrinate so that even a child sees herself as being insignificant and not be able value her own life. 
I wonder  how far, if at all, they have ever actually come from being absolute barbarians. 

SCREAM!

I have just been talking to someone who was aware of a colleague (counsellor) who castigated a fourteen year old client for not agreeing to press legal charges against her abuser.  The "counsellor" resorted to what can only be labelled emotional blackmail, by saying "What about all the other girl's? you should be doing it for them" !! Talk about fuelling that poor girl's survivor guilt!
It reminds me of an occasion many years ago when I had to have a sygmoidoscopy to investigate my lower bowel. You may know that this involves sticking a rigid pipe with a camera on it up my backside to have a look round! (sorry about the graphics but there is a point!)
Let us not dress it up, I was badly abused and anything being put  "inside me" by someone else for me is a BIG issue. And it is bloody painful!
Now I  have a fairly high pain threshold, (I have had six kids)  but all of the pain, along with indignity and what seemed like a repeat of my violation, and so  reminiscent of my abuses, made me scream.
The nurse was furious, she told me to "shut up" because I was going to "put the others, who were waiting, off the procedure!
In both of those examples people's personal pain was negated and we were made to feel responsible to others. 
This is what I have been talking about for a while, regarding how some survivor organisations believe that only  by "helping others" one is going to be "healed" 
Theres NO doubt at all that helping someone else is one of the best boosts of medicine we can have! We get far more "feelgood " chemicals in our brain from the act of giving, than we do in receiving. Theres no one who gets a bigger buzz than I do when I am able to help someone.
BUT:
This  should be a gift, not an expectation, and never be at the expense of our own caretaking! We have to be able to first own our pain, and heal ourselves. Otherwise we will be just sticking a plaster on our broken heart, it won't hold!
This idea that we are of little significance, is surely one of the messages that we were given in our distorted catholic upbringing, and also when tackling  the issues of our abuses. The idea that we should"shut up" for the greater good.
When I was a child, I was told that every time I did anything wrong "You have just gone up to the baby jesus in his pram and SLAPPED him as hard as you could (complete with dramatic gestures and noises!) until his face is all red and he is crying!" "But he forgave you- he looked at you with his beautiful brown eyes (still wet) and smiled at you!" "And what did you do? you did it AGAIN!!!! You kept on slapping him and slapping him!"
Guilt! Guilt! Guilt! 
I felt lower than that snakes belly in the grass, the worst worm.
I am quite sure that my innate guilt and the learned ability to put the other person before myself was exactly how I was singled out for abuse! I was a prime (and primed) target!
This is why I must concentrate on each individual survivor, each one of us has our own pain and we have to be able to own it and have it acknowleged.
That doesn't mean we shouldn't be active in the fight against  criminal clergy, or in helping others if that is our choice, But it also also o.k. to NOT do that.
If I am not able to look after myself first, then even my pain is not my own, even that will become a resource for someone else, a bit like my life was a resource for the church and the priest pedophile. 
It should not be a given that our pain is something to be scrutinised wheeled out as an example, or as a resource for society. It is something we may offer as a gift, not be taken, and it is NOT a responsibility.
So the message is that if someone sticks a camera up your backside - don't worry about those in the waiting room,  scream the bloody place down.

Prioritising LOVE

I was recently  asked (again!) why I concentrate on "Survivors" rather than get more actively involved in "committees" and "enquiries" and politics, or what we would have referred to in the North as "dog hangings"(don't ask!)
There is no doubt that many of these campaigns have been have been invaluable, and have got legislation to the place it is now, so I am not disputing the contributions made by activism and campaigns, I do indeed sometimes march, speak at rallies and conferences, if the subject is near to my heart.
But the reasons for prioritising are very clear, I only have a certain amount of energy, and I have to be sure I use it wisely, so I will do that which feels  most important to ME, what is my passion, and that is the connection with, and the empowerment of fellow survivors.
My other passion is the education of the general population  the severity and the neuro-biology of childhood abuse, I am passionate about setting that particular record straight, to stop further trivialisation of this crime.
I have had to make similar decisions in my professional life too, for example, I am asked why I don't do more deliveries of babies, and cosmetic acupuncture? I simply cannot do it all! There would not be enough hours in the day, so there again I have to  concentrate on that which is most important to ME, in that case it is teaching about addiction and abuse, and treating existing patients.
Also I only have the skills I have! So it seems to be sensible to utilise and maximise those, and to share what I can.
Often when we have been abused, a common legacy for we survivors is an overwhelming sense of unworthiness.
How often have we thought we don't deserve love or attention, felt lower than a snakes belly in the grass, unable to make sense of what has happened to us, and why? even presuming that some defect in us  has caused this horror, resulting in our feeling guilty and alone.
When you find your survivors voice, the first gift to yourself MUST be to know that you are amazing! A child of the Universe, no less than the trees and the stars and with a right to be here. Made of stardust! Unique and irreplaceable! There has never been anyone like you before ,and  there never will be again.
As  a human being you are the result of the rarest of possibilities, and as a survivor of the worst betrayals, you are truly awesome!
Just like the miners trapped beneath the Earth for weeks, or like someone coming back from the wreck of the Titanic, back from near death, your survival is something to be celebrated and rejoiced in.
Wether  your journey back to wholeness has only just begun, and you re just emerging from your  nightmare, or if it happened a long time ago but still haunts you, the fact is that you are here, now, alive and can at last have hope and seek happiness. 
Recovery is a growing thing, a process rather than an event, and like all growing things it will take time and gentle nurturing.
Rather than pulling up a tiny shoot to stretch it and make it grow, (which may well kill it!), perhaps it is wiser to tend the soil around it,water and fertilise it's roots, making it more possible for it to grow tall and strong and become truly independant! I much prefer to see myself in the role of watering can! I will fight if  the need arises, but I would rather leave the politics to those that have a stomach for it, I just find it a privelege to share in the lives of others, and more especially the pain of the wounded. 

They DO NOT Hear YOU!

Happy New Year to you all!

I guess, like me you are ploughing through endless e mails trying to sell you things ! I woke up yesterday to 158 of them!

Among the mails and FB messages I came across one which was telling me  about a couple of survivors who are referred to as "leaders" and are affiliated to another Survivor organisation who have written to the pope to ask him to "put his words into actions".

It is a compassionate and heartfelt letter, and I have no doubt that every word of it is meant. But I also have NO doubt that it will fall on deaf ears!

There is a common misconception that suggests that it is only the incorrect use of language or approach that has kept the catholic church silent on the abuse of children by their priests.
There is a strange idea that if he were REALLY to hear the effects from yet another broken hearted survivor then his heart will melt and he will reach out to them and wrap a warm blanket around them and lift them to safety.

I have heard this cry from so many victims of clergy abuse. "If only I could MEET him" "If only we could get directly to him" "If only I could get in front of him" "If only he would read what I have to say" One lady I met said "I want to give him a piece of my mind" 

Heres the thing:

He DOES NOT CARE! 
He and his church have had decades of futile pleas from thousands of survivors, and they have fended them all off!  They even did the same when we faced them  at the UN, despite the committee finding AGAINST them! They sat there bare faced and lied, contradicted themselves,  and even made jokes! 
It is what they do! It is their absolute priority!
There is nothing new that you can tell them, nothing that has happened to you or to me or to thousands like us that they  haven't heard (and ignored!) before!  

Write your letters by all means if it helps you, send messages and write poetry, draw pictures if it is cathartic, and demonstrate if it eases your pain. But PLEASE  have NO illusions! This will NOT change the uncaring unfeeling attitude of this narcissistic regime. At best you will be ignored, at worst you will be exploited, wheeled out to an unsuspecting public to show how the church is "caring" for victims - they do not.

Either one of those responses will abuse you further, and give a false view of these  crimes.  

Each and every one of us are  different, we all have our own insight, our own slant on things. So it is not always helpful to criticise another's approach - unless we feel it undermines survivors in some way.
If we do  dislike  another's approach  we may ask  “so what exactly is the answer”? As if somewhere there is a magic bullet which will fix things.
There is no magic wand, if there were, we would all be waving it and everyone would live happily ever after!
One thing I am sure of is "If you do what you have always done, you will get what you always got"

We all may think we have that "answer," most professionals have their opinions, and those of us that have been touched by this crime, and have been searching for many years to make sense of what happened to us, are full of ideas and opinions and thoughts on how to tackle it.

And we all have a different focus, some organisations spend years chasing errant clergy, some trying (in vain) to convince the church of their responsibilities, others focus on trying to educate the wider population, others changing the laws.Some even pray!  SVE  indeed, has our own way of contributing.

I personally have no desire to have any dialogue with the church, I have witnessed for years their lack of concern, their contempt. I have no appetite for playing that game with them, they have nothing that is vaguely attractive to me, there are others who think it useful.

I have no interest in the “healing” of the church, it is of  no consequence to me. My experience has only served to make me wish it would cease to exist. My only interest in them is to see their crimes against children and the vulnerable be stopped.

I personally wonʼt be standing in front of cathedrals with a childhood picture of myself, I do not want to be seen as a victim, but I know others find it helps them.
Individually, we all only have a certain amount of energy, and I have a rule of thumb about where mine goes. I will not be wasting ANY of it  on trying to talk to ears that are simply not able to hear.
It is like trying to speak Russian to someone who only speaks  Spanish - There is NO common ground.

Been there - done that - seen their true face !
Each time we "plead" with these people we make ourselves vulnerable again, empower them further and disempower ourselves.

 THEY MUST  NO LONGER BE ALLOWED TO  CALL THE TUNE! 

We have a vast amount of resources between us, many many skills. It would be great to think that all of that energy could be used on survivors themselves.  Give the laws of the lands real teeth, and let the law take care of the criminals in the vatican.
I will spend MY energy on my fellow survivors who deserve to be celebrated!