The pretend “cloak of celibacy”!

Fascinating to  note that as the various inquiries into child clergy abuse go on around the World, the whole issue of celibacy of priests is coming up again and again.

The church,  as I am sure everyone is aware,  has always maintained  that celibacy has nothing to do with the child abuse issues, preferring to focus on what they seem to think are the “ few bad apples”!

Interesting that now, when cornered,  like Pell in Australia, they are choosing to say that it “ probably does play  a part”  Funny that! 

Well heres the thing!

There is absolutely no doubt that the celibacy is quite ridiculous, and totally unnatural for  the human species, and to force boys to adhere to such laws which go against nature is asking for trouble!

 Especially when unnaturally celibate boys are all lumped together in seminaries with all that rampant testosterone to “ pray”  to have  taken away,  as well as the  catholic church’s unnatural  indoctrination concerning all things sexual. 

It is hardly surprising that they have a distorted and unwholesome view on sex and it’s subtleties.

 Theres no doubt they get into all sorts of “experimenting” with each other, and  later, when confronted with girls, who seem like a different species, they  haven’t a clue about correct sexual behaviour! 

On top of that they have had drummed into their heads how “important “ they are,  the parishes will be full of people who put them on a pedestal.There are females, and males,  who throw themselves at them, and the whole unnatural distortion gets compounded.

But celibacy does not create pedophiles!

The church is wrong to talk about the “bad apples” as if the “whole bunch” is ok! 

When it is the church, the “orchard” which is the problem!

It is such an unhealthy  hotbed, that it quite naturally attracts all manor of deviants, pedophiles,narcissists,  sadists etc.! It is a safe place to hide! 

Where else are you going to find that level of guaranteed protection, not to mention a ready supply of “prey” ?

Where else are you going to be deified and taken care of for life, regardless of your abhorrent behaviour?

The “pretend” cloak of celibacy gives them further protection, because  their flock consider them “safe” 

But it is a red herring, and one that the now devious “eye to the main chance” narcissistic church has started to exploit. 

Suddenly it is expedient for  them to be seen as  “martyrs” to their celibacy rules, what a clever ploy! 

And so typical of a narcissist, who will use anything and everybody to further his own ends! 

But hers another thing!!

Cut the Bullshit! 

A crime is a crime is a crime! Take responsibility, and make AMENDS

The "compensation" stigma

I have just read the report about three hundred new clergy child abuse cases in Belgium. No big surprise there  really as  daily there are more and more cases coming to light. And there are thousands more yet to come.

What has irritated me, yet again, is the language used when describing why victims wait for many years to come forward.It shows shallow thinking and plain ignorance. 

It reads:

”The great majority of complainants were mature adults, having waited before coming forward after the Church fell into scandal over recent years and with compensation now an issue”

Once again, it is implied that survivors are “crawling  out of the woodwork” because of “compensation” 

This is so bloody offensive! The facts are that most people have been absolutely terrified to come forward, for so many reasons:  fear, shame, embarrassment, guilt, having been threatened, being mentally ill, having memory blackouts, worried  about the repercussions,being disbelieved, frightened of the stigma and on and on....

The truth is that many of us have been able to come out about our abuses only because other brave people have shown us that it is possible.

It took a few courageous individuals to be the first  to stand and tell their horror stories making  it possible for others to do the same. The fact that the floodgates are now open is just indicative of the enormity  of the crimes.

Regarding “compensation” I also find it offensive that people should feel stigmatised if they seek recompense for the crimes committed against them.

So the church destroys someones life, and then forces more  loss of self esteem that comes with seeking redress!

What else should they ask the church for? To be prayed for? Patronised? Their trauma trivialised?, Further abused? 

 The church, after all , has NOTHING else that is of any use to us, and were responsible for taking away innocent childhood, and leaving people  broken, brain damaged, physically and emotionally scarred. That damage even stretching to the next generations.

 Neither are they inclined, or indeed vaguely interested in making amends, their arrogance knows no bounds.They will duck and dive, delay ,cover up and  lie,  and only in the very last instance, when they have worn the person right down, and  when they are absolutely  cornered , like rats in a trap, will they offer anything, usually  as little as they can get away with, rather than as much as they could possibly do.They will never do anything voluntarily. Of course they should be made to pay!  

Balance  is a cosmic law! 

No doubt , those who take the  moral high ground against victims who seek a legal judgement will say that “money won’t fix it” 

Well of course it bloody won’t!

 But in many cases it make the burden they carry lighter, make recovery more possible. Many survivors have had their education interrupted , their career choices limited, their potential destroyed. ~Many of them have been unable to build up pension contributions, or health care insurances , have poor attendance records, have lost years through depression etc. etc. Many find it difficult to be with other people, their “trust barometers” are impaired, and so they isolate further.

 It is offensive  to suggest, or even imply,  that they are  some kind of predatory creatures who only emerge when money is mentioned! 

And frankly, even if that were so, they are simply  seeking the same curtesy that is afforded to every other victim of crime - recognition and the ability to go some way to   redress the imbalances that were forced upon them.

That does not meant to say the whole compensation business isn’t fraught with difficulties, and as yet no one has really come up with a perfect model to follow. 

I have very mixed views on the subject.

On one hand , it really galls me that anyone should have to accept grudging “charity” from a church that does not care about them, our pride is hard won, and needs to be preserved.

On the other, I know that this narcissistic organisation which is more concerned about it’s failing reputation and it’s obscene wealth should not be allowed to get away without making restitution.

I don’t pretend to have the ideal answers, and I know that each person has a different viewpoint. Each country has a different legal system, and their can be no “one fits all” solution.

The USA lawyers seem favour going for “millions”, and I am not actually knocking that, what price would you put on brain damage,immune and metabolic system damage shortened life span? 

That will not happen in the UK, our legal system simply does not allow for large payouts.

The reality in most  cases is that people may receive enough to pay for their 

toothpaste for life! 

When debating this dilemma  in Holland , someone once suggested  a ridiculous “sliding scale”  of abuse values !

So much for “touching”. another amount for “penetration” another for “multiple occasions” another for “oral  sex” ! 

An appalling idea, like a price list in a brothel! How offensive can you get!

I can only speak for myself. I know that if I were to have been given an amount of money when I was an active addict, I would have been dead by now. If I had not done the other ”work” on my sobriety, my recovery my messed up brain, money alone would have finished me off.

When I first came out about this, I don’t know what I expected,I know what I rather pathetically wanted was a metaphorical “warm blanket” to be wrapped around me, and for someone to say “ there there -  it’s over now” 

I wanted to put down the burden that I had been carrying for so many years, and have some peace. 

That is my hope for everyone, whatever stage they are at, that they can get a “warm blanket” and are able to put their burdens down.

The only thing I do know for sure is the church CANNOT dictate the terms! They cannot decide on who is worthy,and to what extent, they cannot offer to pay for “therapy” for anyone, they cannot offer “healing” 

It is patronising for them to suggest they can fix things.You can never find a solution in the middle of a problem, and they are the problem.

They  need to have it taken out of their hands once and for all, be TOLD what to do and begin to do the RIGHT THING.

It would also help if the media would edit their language! A novel idea would be for them to support this fight rather than judge!

Who's "Doing the Maths"?

I wonder how one gets a job dictating the outcome of court cases that profoundly  effect the lives of damaged people? 

I am told that there are years and years of training, a very difficult degree, and many more years of experience. I am told that you then need to have the right “background”, the right  “contacts” that you then have to be governed by codes of ethics and good practice. 

I wonder therefore why it is that the judges in courts that are dealing with the myriad of cases regarding the clergy abuse of children can be so utterly blinkered, can get it often so wrong?

I have already talked about their incorrect assessments and understanding of  the physiology of addiction, which  is so often a factor within this group of victims, I now want to think about how they have the sort of ignorance that would suggest that because a victim has “survived” then they can’t be that damaged! 

It seems that to fight for your life, and battle to find the life skills  in order to function is a clear indication that you were not that badly harmed!

 I wonder what on earth they base these assumptions on? 

Presumably they would suggest that each one of us has to be completely destroyed in every aspect of our life in order to be considered sufficiently damaged?

One of my friends, who had the most appalling clergy abuse experience, managed, against all the odds, to get a law degree, and become a lawyer.

Bad move according to the courts! “How can she be that badly traumatised if she could do that”!

Would they suggest that if ones’s legs were chopped off, and in sheer desperation you learned, painfully, to walk on your hands that there is no problem? 

Surely they cannot be suggesting that somehow there is a “silver lining” that we should be “grateful for small mercies,”? “Count our blessings”?  

I, myself didn’t get a professional qualification until I was in my forties, the prior years were spent either suffering from, or recovering from, the effects of my abuses, further compounded by my addictions which were a result of them. My childhood, teens,  twenties, and early thirties were pretty much taken away. But that didn’t mean I  wasn’t able to leaning to drive, support my family, know how to cook, play scrabble and change lightbulbs!

Do they imagine that every one of us has damage to our intellect? Despite the fact that  the parts of the brain which are damaged are not  the ones which enable us to acquire academic information?

Traumatic damage does not equate to poor intellect!

They should recognise  also, that one of the very common tricks the brain will use to protect us from the severity of sexual abuse  is to give us memory blackouts sometimes for many years, during which time we may well acquire a few skills!

Have they really no  understanding of our  need to perform in some area well, to have at least ONE arena where we can be in control? sometimes desperately  and obsessively.

Do they imagine that lawyers, scientists,  doctors and professors and brilliant academics in all walks of life don’t have mental health problems, or depression, addictions  or Obsessive Compulsive disorders? 

They don’t seem to have any comprehension  at all about the nature of trauma, especially when that trauma is the result of childhood sexual abuse.

So why are they the ones to make judgements? Why are they the ones to decide how much pain has been caused? Is it based on individual’s opinions?or simply archaic psychiatric reports which are always subjective?

Of course there is nothing wrong with having an opinion, I have them, we all have them, they are formed by  our individual experiences, our education, our  personal viewpoint. They are part of our survival arsenal.

But when you are dealing with this life threatening, life shortening, all damaging effects of childhood sexual abuse, you need to ditch your ego, get underneath those opinions and into the facts!

It has been proven that childhood sexual trauma damages brains (not intellect) It has been proven that a person’s immune system is impaired, their metabolic system damaged and their life expectancy reduced! these are the  current facts.

How many degrees does it take to be able to see what “The RIGHT THING” is? How much experience is needed to recognise loss of potential in real terms?

I suggest that they need to be taught properly about the cases they are charged with , start to look at this appalling crime with a full understanding of it’s severity, and be much more biased on the side of those who simply had no choice.

Either that or Give me the bloody job! 

Is it worth my time?

I just struggled to walk back from taking the dog out for a walk, my feet were hurting like mad I was wheezing away and I was very slow! I hate this business of getting old! 

Reminded me that I will be 66 in a couple of weeks, scary thought, but I guess the alternative is scarier!

I don’t know where that time has gone, but I do know one thing about time, and that is how precious it is!

One of my lovely friends David, who I  know is a very very busy chap, offered a while ago to help me with a Survivors Voice Europe project.I was a bit worried about it, knowing how much in demand he is for many other things.His girlfriend Annie, equally lovely, said to me “he thinks it is worth his time”.

And that’s the thing isn’t it, what I do needs to be “worth my time”

Is it worth my time to banging  my head against a brick wall trying to convince the church that they are narcissistic? Narcissists don’t care!

Is it worth my time to enter into dialogue with people who are just using it for their own ends? Furnishing them with yet  another delaying tactic .Only  wherever I can add a word or two that won’t be wasted, then that is it  worth my time.

Is it worth my time to stand in front of churches with photographs of my destroyed childhood? They just see it as an irritant! But it is worth my time to take my hat off to those that do it.

Is it worth my time to collect endless data about pedophile  priests??  If people don’t know yet that they are a corrupt bunch of criminals I guess they never will!  But It is worth my time to recognise that some people are hell bent on this quest.

My time is finite and so I have to have a rule of thumb 

“Will I achieve anything?”

“Will it help anyone” 

“What exactly is my agenda?”

If you are like me and you believe that this life is all you get, no second chances, no afterlife or vengeful fat old  beardy  bloke in the sky meting out punishments and rewards, then this time is really really precious.

Which is why I choose not to spend too much of it on  that ridiculous bunch of bigots in Rome, they have had far too much of my time already!

If it is true that even a reasonably long life consists of only 450,000 hours, and I have already  had about  350,000, and considering that I will probably sleep for a third of the ones that are left, it puts the whole thing into some sort of perspective.

How many hours have I spent overwhelmed with the miseries caused by my abuses at the hands  of a priest, how many hours crying, throwing up, getting drunk, wasted, how many hours of fear filled indoctrination, how many wasted on lies and ignorance, how many struggling with the results of poor choices, of unskilled behaviour.  How many hours filled with guilt for being human, waiting for a thunderbolt to get me, feeling lower than a snakes belly in the grass.

Missing out on the wonder of the Universe, because I was told that the here and now was of no significance and I should sacrifice it for the hereafter!

The hours that they took from my life I can never get back.

My family and friends are worth my time

Connections with other survivors are worth my time

Sharing skills and supporting others is worth my time

The truth is worth my time.

It is worth my time to add my name to calls for public enquiries and political interventions to bring these criminals to justice.

It is worth my time to open my eyes to other injustices around me too.

It is worth my time to try and share what I have learned .

Making the most of what the bastards  have left me is worth my time! 

Living a simple and joyful life is worth my time

(With maybe taking a few minutes of indulgence to stick two fingers up to the power hungry self  inflated bigots that are still getting away with murder!)

Who takes away the sins

Just back from USA and pretty much over my jet-lag! I had gone to Boston to support my survivor friend Helen who was in a documentary "Who takes away the sins" and asked me to go to it's first showing. 

Great to meet her, after SKYPING and e mailing for a while, and of course, great to catch up with my SV USA colleague Gary.

I really did go with an open mind, I didn't know what the documentary would be like, who had done it, and Helen hadn't seen the final result. It was to be shown twice, first night at the Boston museum of Fine Arts and the second evening in the Boston College (B.C. as it is known, which Gary quietly informed me  is a Jesuit college and should read Boston catholics!) 

The first night was in a beautiful auditorium and there were quite a few people there, a couple of lawyers who work in this field, a few "survivors" and others.

John and Susan are the ones who created the film, he is an ex-jesuit, she an ex-nun, married to each other and both work at BC. Introduced by them, and quite self congratulatory and  just a tad smug, but Hey Ho , they did make the film. 

The film was similar to most of its kind, "Victims " paraded, talking graphically about their nightmare, interspersed with clergy and ex-clergy giving their thoughts on the issue. Quite condescending I thought, but the people who had told their stories seemed grateful ( a little too grateful) for the opportunity to speak out.

The panel that followed was made up of people who were in the film, and there were the usual questions asked. Of course no conclusions reached.

My friend was a little nervous ,but she dealt with it all admirably. There was one particular survivor who's "testimony" had stuck out for me, he had been an orphan in a catholic institution throughout his appallingly abused and damaged childhood. He  was very distressed and also looked quite ill. He was seated ,somewhat insensitively I thought,next to an elderly priest who was shown in the film wearing an open necked shirt, but chose bizarrely to wear full clerical " power dress" for the evening. Jerry  found it difficult to be there and even more difficult to speak.

The whole thing ended and we went back to our hotel , chewing over what we had just seen. 

The following evening was very different, the same film, but this time in "B.C" surrounded by crucifixes similar effigies. A smaller crowd this time, and a different atmosphere entirely. 

This time John introduced the film, once again the two of them in self congratulatory mood . Now I was made aware of their agenda! He was clear that this was made from "within the church" because after all "WE ARE the church" 

    SHIT!

He went on to say how he was sure that this was going to be able to afford "closure" 

   Double SHIT!

How patronising and condescending can you get? 

It set the tone, and I watched it again with different eyes. I saw it for what it actually was,  smug exploitative patronising  victim porn. I was angry!

I was angry for my friend who I felt had been duped, I was angry for the other survivors who were re-victimised by the whole procedure, and I was bloody angry that smug self satisfied catholics thought this could offer "closure"  as if they are still in charge! And not the  bloody problem.

The clerical gear was still being worn, the survivor Jerry didn't come, he was apparent;y traumatised by the triggers the previous evening.  When I challenged the wearing of clerical garb in the midst of clergy abuse survivors and how that was a real trigger, it was as if I was speaking in Chinese, for all they could comprehend the insult.

At one point one of the ex-clergy said "I  encourage you to actually talk to these people" I wanted to add "Some of them can actually speak, and some are even potty trained and have stopped biting"

The film is called "Who takes away the sins" and there was a shot of a stained glass window of jesus depicted as a lamb, as a cello churned out  religious music . From my old catholic indoctrination days I remembered the prayer the "Agnus Dei"  or "Lamb of god" the next line being "Who takes away the sins of the world"

Shit!!! 

 I think it was actually quite disgusting.

 It was a naive and patronising attempt to seem compassionate and concerned. But it was clearly an attempt to convince others that there was something being done. The healing they talked about was for a damaged church! 

WTF

Later I heard a lot about the filming, it seems there was a great deal "edited" out, for example one of the priests ,who has been openly gay, talked about how homosexuality is rife within the priesthood, and is an open secret among them, -  that found it's way to the cutting room floor!

More disturbingly,  the survivor Jerry talked about how he so badly wants to die that he has "committed suicide"  by deliberately going out and contracting AIDS. That  bit of his interview was nowhere to be seen. 

So the sanitisation  was complete and  the real severity of the crimes was never aired at all.

Some people said they are "well meaning" but I do worry about that excuse, we know for example there are graveyards full of people who were the victims of others  doing the wrong thing for what they consider to be the right reasons.

I came away knowing categorically that the church can play NO part in any solution, it is after all the problem, and it is crucial that we see all of these abuses as the crimes they are and get the lawyers to bring these criminals to book and put them in prison where they belong.

The healing for survivors can only come from a safe source and the catholic church is very definitely NOT one of them.

Healing for the church is of no consequence to me and so I would not comment, save to say that if decent human beings want to change it, they should walk away from it and allow it to become extinct.