THE EMPTY CHAIR

The "Empty Chair"

With all of the talk about our government’s "overarching" enquiry, and the church's "committee" to look into child abuse I am often asked if I am involved? 

But if I was being considered to be part of any "enquiry"  regarding childhood abuse , I would really  have to ask myself WHY? 

Because I know that on past performance, these people  will never appoint anyone who is authentic, or  who cannot be manipulated or who will challenge their agenda, and  they DO always have an agenda! 

It seems that when there is a ‘problem’ and an organisation is forced into action, some bright spark somewhere says ‘Lets form a committee to talk about it’ and then the vying and jostling for positions on said committees begin. 

With these so called multi-disciplinary safeguarding think-tanks there is always an "agenda " and sadly and disgustingly very often the survivors get lost in the haze of pontificating, in-fighting, egotists who either know what they are doing or have been sucked into it because their damage is so great that they are unaware of how their strings are being pulled.

There are many problems with these so-called bodies and committees but the biggest one for me is that there is always someone else's "agenda"  – it may start out with good intentions but very rarely is the true reason for their creation the survivors in need of real authentic change in the way that they are provided for by society in terms of legal, health, psychological, demographic, social support etc. 

The survivors get lost again and the "agenda" remains the need to be ‘seen to be doing the right thing for Joe Public’.  Nothing ever really gets done but everyone comes away full of tea and biscuits and patting themselves on the back. 
On a more sinister note, the government, and especially the churches – whoever comes up with the idea – retains their "Bella Figura" and can churn out,when challenged,  the fact that they have been ‘in talks / dialogue / liaising/ in diplomatic discussions’ to ‘try to resolve the issues/foster greater understanding’etc. -Bullshit!

The puppeteers of these bodies never ask those individuals who will challenge their ultimate agenda; invitations will be tailored to suit the agenda.  

ANYBODY ‘invited’ to one of these bodies needs to ask themselves the following questions:-

1. What is the agenda?
2. What is the mission?
3. Who will benefit?
4. Can I truly work alongside the other invitees?
5. Do I genuinely believe that this body is a force for progress?
6. Do I genuinely believe that I can make a difference?
7. WHERE IS MY EGO IN THIS?

We are all for discussions, we are all for coming together and trying to ensure that the infrastructure surrounding the massive arena of childhood abuse is to the highest standards, the highest quality and that change is made swiftly and effectively.  We were knocked on occasion for going to the UN to speak about our experiences but the upshot of it is that we have seen a systematic increase in reporting about this issue and we at least had a hand in lifting the rock that our particular perpetrators have enjoyed living under for centuries.  That was our mission, and we did it despite having to be on show and vulnerable because we believe passionately in what we do.  

All bodies need to be made up of people who are prepared to challenge for the RIGHT REASONS – not just to be seen to be knowledgeable, clever, important, etc.  There needs to be fire in their bellies to want to change the lives of survivors everywhere.  

Peers, MPs, public personalities should ensure that they are not just being used as a masthead for the good ship ‘Lets Look Like We Are Doing Something’.  

And at every single meeting there should be an empty chair – always!  

That chair needs to  represent the single survivor who is relying on authenticity and congruent ethics from any such body/committee in a world that they perceive to be full of abusers, charlatans and manipulators.  We know that the machinations of governments/financial organisations etc. are complicated and require delicacy and diplomacy.  We understand  all of this - but in the field of childhood abuse -THERE CAN BE NO ROOM FOR FURTHER OFFENSES.

Silver Wedding anniversary!

Today is our Silver wedding anniversary! 25 years has just flown by.

What with the pope and his ridiculous PR stunt this week, and now our own government announcing an enquiry into institutional abuse, I should be writing my thoughts down on both, they are so important to me. 
And I will-But NOT today!!! 
I am not going to let this sleezy world of monsters, pedophiles and narcissists encroach on such a special celebration of love and loyalty, honour and commitment- they are worlds apart.
Because today I am celebrating finding my soulmate and being happy with him for 25 years! I know most people have their silver weddings a lot younger, but Gez and I didn’t get married until we were in our forties, I had wasted many years in  an abusive marriage and getting drunk! He getting drunk and avoiding getting married!

What can you say about a man who would take on me and six children?

What can you say about someone who lives for me, and I know would die for me?

About someone who got  me - with more baggage than London Airport ?

Who has listened to all of my terrible stories without turning a hair, who cried when he learned of all the clergy abuse.Who has accompanied me on many trips, and when he wasn’t able to, has stayed at home with the kettle on for my return.

Who paints me beautiful pictures,

Who has created a beautiful garden just for me,

Who cooks for me because he knows my difficulty with eating.

When I first met my husband, I was about eight years clean and sober, I was working at my first decent job, the kids were settled after a few very uncomfortable years being plagued by my ex husband’s irresponsibilities and nastiness.We had moved into a nice house I had learned to drive and everything was getting better.

Then I met Gez!

He asked  me out for a drink, and of course I don’t drink but I went anyway.

He kept asking why I didn’t drink, and at the time I didn’t think it was any of his business!

But eventually we were obviously getting emotionally involved, and it was clear that I had to talk to him about most of my past, my “baggage”

I sat him down one evening, I spat out to  him all the dirt, all the drinking, drugs,  eating stuff , pretty much everything. I thought "I don’t want this man to have any illusions about what he may be getting into".

He sat there for three hours  with a very stern face, listening to all that crap, and I was quite  sure he would run for  the nearest door when I had finished!

Bu eventually when I shut up, he just looked at me with a serious  face and after a few moments of silence he said :

“Thank FUCK for that I thought you were going to tell me you were gay!”

What a man! How lucky am I ? I wish everyone could feel as loved as I have since we met.

With all my damage, anxieties and history, my battles, fears and hyper vigilance, I am bloody sure I wouldn’t marry me!

So today the pope and his minions can go to hell! 
I am spending the day with the love of my life, and there is no room for those bastards-I will think about them tomorrow... Thank you Gez for 25 years I hope you can stand it for another 25!