Keep on loving you Nick

  Today would have been my son Nick's 49th birthday. He died when he was 19, and just 10 days before his 20th birthday.. 
The funny thing about birthdays, they seem to remind you more of the person who died, rather than the day that  is generally called their "anniversary" 
So today  I am back in heartbroken mode.
I always wonder why people say "Happy Birthday" to the person who has died, it is not a happy event, to not be able to tease them about their age, their bald spots, their growing paunch! it is not happy to think of all the birthdays he has missed, not just his own, but his brothers and sisters, nephews and niece, and of course mine.It is not happy to know he won't be eating cake or getting drunk.
I remember thinking just before Nick died that it would soon be his birthday, and I was busy as usual worrying about how  to "rob Peter to pay Paul" as I had often had to do  when birthdays came around, I had very little money back then, in fact I had none most of the time. My ex husband had left me and six kids with no money to fend for ourselves, and although we  did survive, there was never enough to go round, let alone have luxuries, but somehow we managed birthdays.
I  remember on my fortieth birthday the kids had a "surprise party" for me,  and Nick had bought me a big bag of all sorts of exotic fruits, pineapple kiwis, and things like that! He said he couldn't think of anything else "special" that he could afford! That is a very special memory, one of many.
I remember the night he was born, 1 - 0 clock in the morning, and it was cold and rainy.  I remember lying in my bed in the ward after he was born and thinking "I have a little boy", It felt really strange, I knew nothing of little boys, and not much about little girls for that matter! 
He didn't have much materially in his life, but was so rich in many ways. He actually left me so much, more than he ever knew, and  I am grateful for the time I had with him.
 I would swap every birthday present I ever had, every Christmas present, everything I have ever owned, every moment we argued just to have  him for a minute here with me today, on his birthday.
So today is not a happy day, for me or for him ,or his brothers and sisters. We all miss him still.
My other children keep him very much alive, in a smile that is so like his, a mannerism, and one of his funny sayings. His friends and the girl he loved still keep him with us by staying in touch and laughing about their teenage antics. I guess they are all middle aged family people now, but still teenagers in my mind!
So I won't say "Happy Birthday Nick" , but I will say how much "I love you, I am proud of you and I miss you more every birthday that comes around" 

unconditional love

This time of year I get a bit nostalgic, (another name for  bit maudlin!) I think a bit too much, I dwell on the past and get a bit (actually very) emotional. I tell myself all year that I won't, that I hate all that stuff and every year I do it and hate the stuff even more!
I am particularly dwelling on my "trip"(hating the J word!)  of the last six years, and how complicated it all gets, and how much easier it is to keep things simple! 
I am thinking of where I have learned my most useful lessons and how easy it is to forget those simple truths.
The best things I have ever had given to me have been the "wisdoms" from other addicts, just trying to do their best, put one foot in front of the other and do the next right thing. It almost makes me cry just writing that sentence.
Now it is not easy to be an atheist in AA or NA! But after 40 years I can attest to the fact that it is quite possible!  If you really want to get well and stay well,  then you have to read between the lines, to dump the talk of god or spiritual  "higher powers" and look at the very essence of the message, which whatever way you look at it is very sound. I do NOT believe in god or any supernatural power, neither do I think the "universe" is looking out for me! I do, however believe in human beings! In their honesty and integrity, their overwhelming humility, their need to "make amends" and their honest desire to help others. I also can feel a refuge in some Buddhist practice.
I have heard many wise words from many people, but none as powerful as witnessing someone  who has royally fucked up their life, picked up the shattered  pieces and with humility and by their simple actions, turned it around for themselves and those around them. I wouldn't swap their wisdom or humour for all the wise words of academia. And even today when I am feeling like shit, hating my inadequacies and fears I know I would get a warm hug, a bloody awful cup of coffee, but  something like unconditional love if I sought out the right company!
Why do I make things so complicated? because I am a human being, with frailties and damage.
I hate the struggle, but I  also do  know that this will pass!

Thankful for our NHS!

I haven't blogged for a while, largely because I have been unwell, but also because I tend to wait until something moves me,  or pisses me off enough to run screaming to the computer!
What pissed me off recently was  a dreadful experience I had with the "private" medical world leaving  me feeling vulnerable and fearful.
I had a worrying MRI scan of my back and my doctor said I needed to be referred to a neuro-surgeon. She said that at present they have an "arrangement" with the Nuffield private hospital which meant that she could refer me there to a neuro surgeon "Mr.Choksey", who would see me as a NHS patient.
As it happens, when I tried to arrange it all, it turned out not to be as straightforward as she had thought, and rather than start the whole procedure again, I decided to pay for the consultation.To see what I was dealing with and what my options were.
It was awful! This man was arrogant, condescending,  and examined me as if I was  a piece of meat . He told me I needed spinal surgery "As a matter of urgency" and it would need to be performed within the next day or two!
 It felt like a bad dream, a real shock.
He then asked if I had medical insurance, which I haven't, and then said "Well I will have to refer you back to the NHS service -If you want to risk infection"! 
Gez, who was with me was a bit panicked and said "Hang on a moment are you saying that my wife is MORE likely to get an infection if she goes into the NHS hospital?"
"Oh yes" said the surgeon "In fact that is why I left the NHS! , but they won't tell you that they will LIE to you!" 
How much would the operation be privately? £15,000 , Quite out of the question for us!
When he realised we weren't going to pay for the operation, he very quickly added "Well if you go and see them, they may not agree with me of course"
It felt like he was touting for business, and had very little regard for the fact that he had now frightened an already very worried patient into thinking that where he was sending me was unsafe!
I was then charged with going straight to A&E in Coventry, where indeed they did disagree, thought that although the operation needs doing, it certainly was not THAT urgent. 
They were professional empathic and KIND!
Now I have always been an absolute admirer of our health service, it has always been a beacon of integrity in my lifetime, and free to all patients! Which is so much more than people in many other  countries have at their disposal.
Most of these surgeons have had their education free of charge too! 
We do take it for granted, as with everything that has always been free, but every now and again something happens that makes us appreciate what we have.
There is also a perception that because we have free medical care, that it is somehow inferior, when of course that is absolutely not true. 
Yes,  there may be blips with administration, communication sometimes, but when it comes to illness, I have always found the care is second to none. I for one will add my name to anything that will protect it!
(I am not looking forward to this operation though!!)

Thankful for our NHS!

I haven't blogged for a while, largely because I have been unwell, but also because I tend to wait until something moves me,  or pisses me off enough to run screaming to the computer!
What pissed me off recently was  a dreadful experience I had with the "private" medical world leaving  me feeling vulnerable and fearful.
I had a worrying MRI scan of my back and my doctor said I needed to be referred to a neuro-surgeon. She said that at present they have an "arrangement" with the Nuffield private hospital which meant that she could refer me there to a neuro surgeon "Mr.Choksey", who would see me as a NHS patient.
As it happens, when  tried to arrange it all, it turned out not to be as straightforward as she had thought, and rather than start the whole procedure again, I decided to pay for the consultation.To see what I was dealing with and what my options were.
It was awful! This man was arrogant, condescending,  and examined me as if I was  a piece of meat . He told me I needed spinal surgery "As a matter of urgency" and it would need to be performed within the next day or two!
 It felt like a bad dream, a real shock.
He then asked if I had medical insurance, which I haven't, and then said "Well I will have to refer you back to the NHS service -If you want to risk infection"! 
Gez, who was with me was a bit panicked and said "Hang on a moment are you saying that my wife is MORE likely to get an infection if she goes into the NHS hospital?"
"Oh yes" said the surgeon "In fact that is why I left the NHS! , but they won't tell you that they will LIE to you!" 
How much would the operation be privately? £15,000 , Quite out of the question for us!
When he realised we weren't going to pay for the operation, he very quickly added "Well if you go and see them, they may not agree with me of course"
It felt like he was touting for business, and had very little regard for the fact that he had now frightened an already very worried patient into thinking that where he was sending me was unsafe!
I was then charged with going straight to A&E in Coventry, where indeed they did disagree, thought that although the operation needs doing, it certainly was not THAT urgent. 
They were professional empathic and KIND!
Now I have always been an absolute admirer of our health service, it has always been a beacon of integrity in my lifetime, and free to all patients! Which is so much more than people in many other  countries have at their disposal.
Most of these surgeons have had their education free of charge too! 
We do take it for granted, as with everything that has always been free, but every now and again something happens that makes us appreciate what we have.
There is also a perception that because we have free medical care, that it is somehow inferior, when of course that is absolutely not true. 
Yes,  there may be blips with administration, communication sometimes, but when it comes to illness, I have always found the care is second to none. I for one will add my name to anything that will protect it!
(I am not looking forward to this operation though!!)

OFFER IT UP?

                   
I am sickened by the idea that "mother Theresa", that sadistic old crone, is being elevated to "sainthood" by the equally sadistic catholic church!
Not that "sainthood" means anything to me, but it is certainly giving the PR spin on the  church a boost among many gullible people. Lets face it, that church  needs all the help it can get to boost it's failing image.
I am particularly nauseated by her appalling attitude to other's suffering! saying that the poor and sick should be grateful for their suffering believing that suffering, however it is caused is a gift from god!
"I think it is very beautiful for the poor to accept their lot, to share it with the passion of christ.I think the world is being much helped by the suffering of the poor people!
What a piece of work! and what a bloody cop-out!
Although this doesn't surprise me at all, as I grew up in this dreadful religion, and I was always told I should be grateful for any pain or discomfort I felt
"Offer it up" was what I was always told! Any pain I experienced was considered something I should be "grateful" for, to enable me to "offer it up" in atonement for my many many "sins", both past and future. Sympathy ought never be craved, in fact it was a dirty word!
"You are gasping for breath " (I am asthmatic) "Offer it up!"
"You have a broken foot? (I fell off a swing) "Offer it up!"
You are being sick? you have measles? whooping cough? pneumonia? 
"Offer it up"
It seemed that any physical pain I went through was of no other consequence than to be used as an offering. I was then shamed into thinking that I was selfish for crying or complaining about pain, in fact I should welcome it so I got the chance to "Offer it up!"

What a clever way for this cruel regime to keep people subserviant and suffering! And worse still, if they continue to "honour" people in this way who obediently  further their  cause, and  are perpetuating this cruel and distorted view of humanity.

If I listened to that religious crap  I would be told I was sinful, unworthy, only here in this life to prove I am deserving of the next, the church of course saying that they alone are the custodians of the gateway to that joyful  never never land, and I should be deliriously happy at being in pain or afraid or starving, or raped by one of their sick "holy" men and OFFER it up!

WTF!

Thankfully I now know that every human being is  a very precious, unique, and irreplaceable part of the Universe and  that even includes me!

Compassion is where it is at, and something this awful woman and her appalling religion know Nothing about.

Everyone has a story

There's a lady who works at the shop and garage near my house, and she has a bit of a reputation for being "grumpy", people say she can be fine one minute and then reverts to a terrible " bad mood."  She has always been very nice to me, and she just loves our dog, giving him treats when he passes and coming away from her counter just to play with him. But I  have seen her be really crotchety with other people on occasions!
Yesterday I called in to buy something and she noticed the tattoo on my arm and asked me what it says? I told her it was the name of my oldest son Nicholas who died. She filled up with tears and asked me what happened to Nick, and so I told her about him, then she said "I know just how you feel, my little boy was killed when he was six, he ran over the road to get his football and was run over"  Then she told me "It was thirty five years ago, and I still cry for him every day" and of course I told her that I did the same.
I was so sad for her, but more than anything it made me realise how easy it is to make assumptions about people, that EVERYONE has a story, none of us are unscathed by life, and on the days when she is feeling "grumpy" she is probably only JUST holding herself together and is full of grief.
I wanted to go back and take her some flowers or something, but it felt as if I would have been patronising her, but I hope  there might be an occasion at sometime when I can do something to make her feel better.What  I WILL do is learn the lesson, and remember who taught it me!
I am often "grumpy"  when I am in a lot of pain, I find myself snapping, and then feeling bad about it! I am very lucky that I have lovely people around who   make allowances for me! 
There have been times too when I have felt just a little embarrassed about my tattoo! especially when someone has commented about my being a "bit old" for one, perhaps thinking I was going through an "old age" crisis! But I had done  it to remind me every moment of the day about Nick, not that I need anything to remind me, because he is never far from my thoughts. But one of the last things  Nick said to me before he died was "I am very proud of you Mum" and I did not deserve it. The tattoo on my right arm means that every time I do something with my right hand I see it, think of Nick  and I like to think  it makes me do things better, with him in mind.
So if you se a grumpy old woman covered in tattoos don't make assumptions about her, she may be going through hell and perhaps just needs a smile.

Martyrdom

An elderly priest was murdered in France and the pope talks about his horror and pain.
"We are especially moved because this horrible violence took place in a Church, a sacred place in which god's love is announced, with the barbaric murder of a priest and the involvement of the faithful,"  the vatican's statement read.
This was followed very quickly by the bandwagon being pounced on by cardinal Nichols et al saying that we now have to make churches the priority for security.And the inevitable talk of"martyrdom" 
  Now let me be very clear,  I am also absolutely horrified at the death of this  elderly man in such a  cruel way, whether he was a priest or a road sweeper, as I am with all of the acts of terror that we are witnessing at present. It is a dreadful and meaningless waste of life. My heart goes out to everyone affected, and like everyone with a heart, I have cried buckets over them 
But be very very careful.
This is exactly the sort of act that will bring out the desperate need for "martyrdom" that the catholic church does so well.
When I was a child I honestly believed I would be called upon to be a martyr! Not the perpetual doormat kind that whine  a lot and we all cringe at, but a real "suffer intolerable death for your faith " kind of martyr. I had it drummed into me that this may very well happen! 
It was a time when catholics saw themselves as a persecuted minority, and actually revelled in a sort of perverse elitism.
I was very unwilling to die for my faith, but as a little girl, I lived in fear  of my impending "martyrdom" and also of  what would happen if I didn't  offer my life up for the faith!
It is an appalling  attitude to life, that precious thing that does NOT belong to some whimsical deity, but to ourselves, each one of us and is so brief and magical.
The catholic church is already reeling from the revelations in recent years and the spotlight on their narcissistic organisation. 
I don't ever hear expressions of "horror or pain" with the hundreds of clergy abuse victims who have taken their own lives, or have died as a result of the distorted life path that their abuses have forced them on. Or have simply had their lives destroyed.
Are they delighted that this murder has happened? Well I sincerely hope not. But there is a real danger that they will use this perceived martyrdom to their advantage, to try and detract from their own many failings.
If, as is often said, childhood clergy abuse is "assassination of the spirit"then the sheer volume of the church's abuses makes their crimes akin to genocide.
 So please do resist the urge to see this dreadful murder as anything other than what it was - a shocking and wicked act, and the latest attempt to wreak terror among us all, certainly no worse than the cruel deaths of so many (including innocent children)  in Nice and Munich and  everywhere else where these evil terrorists find an opportunity to kill.