There's a lady who works at the shop and garage near my house, and she has a bit of a reputation for being "grumpy", people say she can be fine one minute and then reverts to a terrible " bad mood." She has always been very nice to me, and she just loves our dog, giving him treats when he passes and coming away from her counter just to play with him. But I have seen her be really crotchety with other people on occasions!
Yesterday I called in to buy something and she noticed the tattoo on my arm and asked me what it says? I told her it was the name of my oldest son Nicholas who died. She filled up with tears and asked me what happened to Nick, and so I told her about him, then she said "I know just how you feel, my little boy was killed when he was six, he ran over the road to get his football and was run over" Then she told me "It was thirty five years ago, and I still cry for him every day" and of course I told her that I did the same.
I was so sad for her, but more than anything it made me realise how easy it is to make assumptions about people, that EVERYONE has a story, none of us are unscathed by life, and on the days when she is feeling "grumpy" she is probably only JUST holding herself together and is full of grief.
I wanted to go back and take her some flowers or something, but it felt as if I would have been patronising her, but I hope there might be an occasion at sometime when I can do something to make her feel better.What I WILL do is learn the lesson, and remember who taught it me!
I am often "grumpy" when I am in a lot of pain, I find myself snapping, and then feeling bad about it! I am very lucky that I have lovely people around who make allowances for me!
There have been times too when I have felt just a little embarrassed about my tattoo! especially when someone has commented about my being a "bit old" for one, perhaps thinking I was going through an "old age" crisis! But I had done it to remind me every moment of the day about Nick, not that I need anything to remind me, because he is never far from my thoughts. But one of the last things Nick said to me before he died was "I am very proud of you Mum" and I did not deserve it. The tattoo on my right arm means that every time I do something with my right hand I see it, think of Nick and I like to think it makes me do things better, with him in mind.
So if you se a grumpy old woman covered in tattoos don't make assumptions about her, she may be going through hell and perhaps just needs a smile.
An elderly priest was murdered in France and the pope talks about his horror and pain.
"We are especially moved because this horrible violence took place in a Church, a sacred place in which god's love is announced, with the barbaric murder of a priest and the involvement of the faithful," the vatican's statement read.
This was followed very quickly by the bandwagon being pounced on by cardinal Nichols et al saying that we now have to make churches the priority for security.And the inevitable talk of"martyrdom"
Now let me be very clear, I am also absolutely horrified at the death of this elderly man in such a cruel way, whether he was a priest or a road sweeper, as I am with all of the acts of terror that we are witnessing at present. It is a dreadful and meaningless waste of life. My heart goes out to everyone affected, and like everyone with a heart, I have cried buckets over them
But be very very careful.
This is exactly the sort of act that will bring out the desperate need for "martyrdom" that the catholic church does so well.
When I was a child I honestly believed I would be called upon to be a martyr! Not the perpetual doormat kind that whine a lot and we all cringe at, but a real "suffer intolerable death for your faith " kind of martyr. I had it drummed into me that this may very well happen!
It was a time when catholics saw themselves as a persecuted minority, and actually revelled in a sort of perverse elitism.
I was very unwilling to die for my faith, but as a little girl, I lived in fear of my impending "martyrdom" and also of what would happen if I didn't offer my life up for the faith!
It is an appalling attitude to life, that precious thing that does NOT belong to some whimsical deity, but to ourselves, each one of us and is so brief and magical.
The catholic church is already reeling from the revelations in recent years and the spotlight on their narcissistic organisation.
I don't ever hear expressions of "horror or pain" with the hundreds of clergy abuse victims who have taken their own lives, or have died as a result of the distorted life path that their abuses have forced them on. Or have simply had their lives destroyed.
Are they delighted that this murder has happened? Well I sincerely hope not. But there is a real danger that they will use this perceived martyrdom to their advantage, to try and detract from their own many failings.
If, as is often said, childhood clergy abuse is "assassination of the spirit"then the sheer volume of the church's abuses makes their crimes akin to genocide.
So please do resist the urge to see this dreadful murder as anything other than what it was - a shocking and wicked act, and the latest attempt to wreak terror among us all, certainly no worse than the cruel deaths of so many (including innocent children) in Nice and Munich and everywhere else where these evil terrorists find an opportunity to kill.
On the radio this morning, I was asked to comment on the news of the formation of a "victims" club by three famous people who say they have been shabbily treated and wrongly accused of historic sexual abuse.
Cliff Richard, Paul Gamboccini and Neil Evans are shown in the papers joining hands and shouting about the pain and suffering they have experienced by being falsely accused and "having been found innocent" They want to form a "victim support group" and campaign to get the law changed so that people who are so accused are not named unless they are charged.
So here's the thing:
Firstly, of course I have a great deal of sympathy for anyone who is falsely accused of any crime, I am quite sure it is a dreadful thing to experience.
In these cases, there was no "innocent" or "guilty" verdict, the charges were simply dropped through lack of sufficient evidence. Now Cliff Richard is complaining that this is not ok, that there will be a stain on his character, and people will say "no smoke without fire" etc. and although that might be quite unpleasant, it is hardly a case for changing the law. These kind of cases are actually few and far between.
The law is duty bound to investigate all accusations of such crimes, and although in his case there was a mishandled search, and a media frenzy because of his fame, that is essentially what they were doing.
I would have a lot more respect for them if they had said "It was terrible, really bloody awful,and not fair, but we applaud the police and the judiciary for doing there job" I suspect people would be less inclined to suggest "no smoke without fire"
Yes, if they had no charge to answer it is indeed awful to have to go through that procedure, and if the law needs changing then campaign by all means.
The danger of course of NOT naming people might mean that victims of the same perpetrator don't come forward.The radio interviewer said "Well they can come forward after they have been charged" But unless other victims come forward they may NOT be charged, often such a case may be dependant on others coming forward, and if they don't , then the case may be dropped "Because of insufficient evidence"
However the worst aspect of it for me is that there is an implication, yet again, that there are armies of people making false accusations about others because they are looking for "compensation", or "publicity" or some other agenda.
NOT true! Statistically there are very few "false accusations", and they are usually from people who have other problems of some kind, and they are soon wheedled out by the police or the Crown prosecution service. The police and the CPS know about this subject, they are used to dealing with it, and they mostly do it very well.
It is a source of real discomfort for me and other survivors when I hear this sort of incorrect assumption, usually from people who don't have a clue about child sexual abuse.
The very reason why it takes so long, often, for survivors to come forward is because of the sheer embarrassment they feel, and perhaps the fear that they won't be believed, or will be smeared, in just this way, who the hell would really want to go through that?
Although I have talked about my abuses a lot, and to different groups, it is still something I cringe at!
It is not great being known mostly for having been abused!
It is not an image I would have chosen! As soon as I speak about it there is an inevitable image in someones head, and once that image is in there it won't go away- the genie is out of the bottle.I am a sixty nine year old Granny! I don't relish being seen in that way!
Of course I am told I had a choice! But the choice was damned if I do damned if I don't! If I don't talk about it, I remain damaged and isolated, and I leave it to others to find the courage. If I do talk about it I am open to another kind of isolation. I chose to be open about it and stand and be counted for others, but I can truly understand why many simply could not bear it. This may make it even harder.
So in answer to the original question, I fear that this sort of "alliance" could very easily become a club of guilty people who can hide behind the very few who may be falsely accused.
By all means tell people of your innocence, and fight for your own justice, but a "victim support group"? PLEASE!
Feeling as High as a kite after the last weeks activities! (And not a drug or a drink in sight!)
I know that if someone gives us a gift we get some very nice "feelgood" chemicals in our brain, of course we do, it is nice to think someone has thought of us and gone to a lot of trouble to please us, But I also know that if we GIVE something we get substantially more of those feelgood chemicals, it seems silly not to have them! Free chemicals! And no "come down" no hangover! The person receiving from us feels good, we feel good and those around us feel good just by witnessing that kind act. It is a win win situation!
Last weekend I was not well enough to stay for the Humanist conference, but I did manage to hear AC Grayling talk about the philosophy of "friendship" so uplifting, so inspirational (and not a god in sight!)
Then I was teaching some truly lovely people, working in the most difficult circumstances in prison and drug services (and not an ego in sight!)
But the highlight of my week has GOT to be going up to Edinburgh to speak at the launch of the brilliant initiative "AID AND ABET" !!!! I still haven't come down!
THE most amazing people "Cons and Cops" (their words!) working together and saving lives! It was a privilege to be a part of it and to be SO well looked after by these altruistic people. So professional. so compassionate so honourable and
SO humble, I did NOT want to get back on that plane!This has given me a new lease!, but actually what it did was remind me how being around recovery and altruism feels! It is so easy to get a little jaded or complacent when you have "been
around" as long as I have.These lovely recovery friends, and their equally lovely police colleagues reminded me what it is all about!
Their optimism and joy was infectious, their determination mind blowing, breaking down barriers, getting rid of "Us and Them" and creating partnerships that are making a real difference.
I came away with enough of those "feel-good chemicals" to last a month! But I don't mind admitting that I want MORE! And I know exactly where to get them!
I don't always remember, because I am human, I need reminding! But when I do it feels great!
And then to top it all they sent me beautiful flowers!!! It was a bit like getting a big box of chocolates and then being rewarded for eating them! What a week!
I was so looking forward to the British humanist Association annual conference in Birmingham this weekend, had my ticket for ages! Wonderful speakers lined up not to mention old friends to see and new ones to make. I only managed a morning!
I had to miss last years in Bristol because of my health, and I did it again!
I have been trying to cut down on my steroids for weeks and thought maybe I could get off them! I think I was a bit too ambitious,because the trouble is, without them I have awful pain and I can't walk ! So I had to hobble to the car park and back and although it was quite near - I couldn't do it.
I did however, manage to hear Professor AC Grayling who is a great hero of mine, so inspiring and also so charming. His talk gave me some brilliant inspiration, and indeed a few gems that I can use to make me,and others happier! Every time I hear him, he makes me wish I had more time to study philosophy properly!
I also managed to hear my good friend Peter Tatchell, and get a hug! Another inspiring human being, Never come across anyone who is more of the epitomy of "walking the walk" and is also able talk a good talk too!
So although I couldn't stay, I got so energised by the little I experienced. I have always got so much energy from being around inspiring or like-minded people, our survivor gatherings, my addiction work students, other recovered addicts, my family.
So back up on the wretched steroids, waiting for the "moonface" to come back, and feeling a bit sorry for myself! But I am not half as bad as aI would have ben without the morning in Birmingham!
I am looking forward to the week ahead, teaching in Oakhill secure training centre for four days, and then one day up in Scotland to the launch of the brilliant "Aid and Abet"!
So what if I have a Moon face!!
In the spirit of balancing out all the negativity that comes with talking about abuse issues, and that depressing narcissistic bloody church, I do sometimes like to reflect on how very lucky I am!
This week has been a particularly good one! I have been with my favourite people and doing my favourite things! I do that most weeks actually, so I have to be the luckiest of people!
I was in Scotland with the lovely folks of Fife on Monday and Tuesday, and had a wonderful time teaching them, my students are all so brilliant!
Then I had clients all day Wednesday, all getting well and making real progress -always a great buzz from that!
And Annie came back from Nepal and was helping me all day! Reminded me of my dear friends in Nepal.(This is the clock they gave me a treasured possession!)
Then on Thursday I went to London to do some supervision with some great girls, doing excellent jobs in a very difficult arena - could have stayed with them all day!
I have to pinch myself when I think that I have now personally taught nearly 14 thousand healthcare workers! And they are all amazing people!
My grandson Ollie got accepted to do an apprenticeship in barbering!
Then I "Skyped" with my buddy Gary from USA - I will be seeing him in a couple of weeks to do the "Winning the Battle of the abused Brain" workshop! so excited!!!
www.battleoftheabusedbrain.website
Friday I got to SKYPE with my "oppo" Ton from Holland, we always have lots to tell each other! Looking forward to their symposium in Holland later in the year!
Wonderful connections and messages all over the world made it easier to fit in the shopping and cleaning! Had a card and a gift from Anthony in Vermont, made me smile.
Today I will be going to London to see my
daughter and my Oscar who is growing and changing almost daily, and is so gorgeous! Tomorrow my lovely son Danny will be coming home for a few days he is guaranteed to lift my spirits.
And I will be speaking to my other great kids on the phone, as I do most days.
I will be with my best friend and husband Gez, who is my rock, and looks after me so well, (especially his wonderful cooking that feeds
me too well!) Not to mention the beautiful painting he has given me to auction as a contribution to the USA workshop travel fund!
On Monday hopefully will SKYPE with the rest of the board of the "Godless Grace foundation", despite it being in the middle of my night! it is worth it as I am so honoured to be a part of it!
I wrote five more pages of my book, also added more exciting stuff for the workshops,
My blood pressure came down a bit, I reduced my steroids by 2 mgs, I feel hopeful that I might get rid of the "moon face" and start to look more like me in the mirror! The woods are showing a lovely blue carpet as the bluebells come up (another one of Gez's paintings!)
The forget me nots are out and and the lilac tree is budding!
All of this and then I get to cuddle Buddy!
What is not to be bloody grateful for!
Hey pope! thanks for the missive about families and LOVE - heres my thoughts on it!
What the pope knows about LOVE could, I think be written on a postage stamp!!
I do hope beneath his sugary flowery words people can still see the cruel narcissistic reality of the catholic church, and the smily faced snake at it's head.
That they feel they can dictate to ANYONE is beyond me, but to discriminate against the LGBT community is cruel and unjustifiable.
They say it is a "long awaited" document, I am quite sure they mean they have taken a long time so they can try and get the same old dialogue into words that baffle with the bullshit. I find the assumption that people are so stupid to be further arrogance.
It is so past time to stop giving any credence to these homophobic misogynist creeps, full of pedophiles, liars and racketeers, why on earth does anyone listen to such a corrupt and hypocritical organisation!
I am not gay, but I have a wonderful gay son who makes me PROUD. I am also honoured to be a patron of the "Pink Triangle", and as an abuse survivor, I do know what it feels like to be alienated, to be dismissed and feel disposable, this church is always so good at being the architect of these disgusting discriminations.
As I have emerged into some kind of recovery from this wretched church and it's pedophile priest, I have received so much LOVE from the wonderful LGBT community - I received NONE from this appalling religion!
LOVE? Love? For F...s sake! He should not even be allowed to utter it's name!
I am trying to find sensible words to describe my feelings, something that will make a intelligent statement, but rack my brains as much as I can I can only come up with the fact that
They make me bloody sick !!
