I have always found the whole "inner child" stuff a little strange and a bit silly. But as with most things that I take a dislike to, I often find the difficulty is with me rather than "it"!
I have no contact with people I knew as a child really, apart from a couple of very close cousins, certainly no-one from school or teenage years!
Hardly surprising when I think how disturbed I was back then, quite crackers actually! a raging alcoholic self harmer with lots of very dark secrets that I HAD to keep hidden! In those bleak days I sabotaged most of the relationships I had.
I also moved away from my home town at sixteen, and then later made only "duty visits" to my adopted Mother until she died.
But this week I came across the FB page of someone I started school with aged at 5 in 1952! She was a girl I had a lot of very happy early memories about, dancing around her living room to Doris Day songs, signing her plaster when she broke her leg, and generally playing like proper little girls!
It was a real "blast from the past", and not the dreadfully unpleasant memories that I normally get! And it was lovely! she still looks as pretty as she did then, she was always the prettiest girl in our year, but was also always too nice to be jealous of!
We ultimately went to different secondary schools, and our paths crossed only occasionally at college, but my main memories are when we were little girls.
I don't know if she ever knew of the mess I was, thankfully I don't think she was ever exposed to it, but she may well have heard stories!
We didn't know each other as adults, although I did bump into her once on one of my "visits" about 48 years ago!
I have no doubt she has had her demons to overcome as indeed have I, but I still think of her as the pretty little girl who was my friend, when we were still "sugar and spice and all things nice"!
I was so pleased to see her name, I dropped her a message which she replied to straight away.
I don't have too many experiences like this, and in fact one of the things that hurts is the inability to enjoy good memories of the past without them being tinged with the bad stuff.
I am sure she can't know how much that simple connection has meant to me, and I don't know if we will meet again, but she gave me back a glimpse of a long lost happy time, before all of the crap, and for a while I was a little girl again! Wow!
My somewhat hedonistic and rather shallow sister in law, thinks I should retire and have some "quality time", She thinks I should take a leaf out of her book and have five holidays a year, "twice to Ibiza (pronounced incorrectly of course) 2 cruises, and a trip to Lanzarote"! She seems actually to feel sorry for me and suggests that I am missing out!
She couldn't be more wrong! Not to "crow", and although I am not at all special, I have been privileged to do so many things that money simply cannot buy! In my capacity as head of a teaching organisation,I have personally taught 14,000 amazing healthcare workers, teaching all over the UK, and the USA, I have spoken in the Italian parliament, the Polish parliament, the U.N. three times, addressed a crowd of twenty thousand people, received a "Lifetime's achievement" award for my work in addiction, an "Inspirational Woman of the year" award for Human rights, I have been to tea at the House of Lords three times, taught for the staff of 128 UK prisons, and military mental health . I have been privileged to speak at many inspirational gatherings like the launch of "Aid and Abet " in Scotland, International women's day, Secular Europe day, Freedom of speech rally, and more. Rallied and danced with my wonderful deaf and speech impaired friends from The Provolo institute in Verona several times, and in Rome four times. As well as being co-founder of Survivors Voice Europe , I am on the board of trustees for the charity "Godless Grace Foundation" I am a patron of the "Pink triangle" and I have real solid friends in Italy, Holland, Poland, America, Australia , Nepal Canada, Hawaii . I have been involved in important research, co -written a book and am three quarters through the next one. I have six kids, three grandchildren, an incredibly talented and supportive husband and a beautiful black Labrador! Poor me!
Years ago I had a next door neighbour who taught me a great deal. Her name was "Miss Amphyllis Carter" and was a genuine "Edwardian lady" who died just a couple of weeks short of her hundredth birthday.
We lived next door to her for the last fifteen years of her life and we had become very close.
She had an MA in literature from the days when women rarely got a degree let alone a Masters, and she was clever, wise, thoughtful, humourous and incredibly kind. She was a delightful friend.
She was unmarried, and lived alone and she was also blind, had been so since her early eighies, a fact that never got her down, she coped incredibly and even had a few "elderly friends" over for a church service every Thursday morning because, she said, they weren't well enough to go to church! She got all the chairs ready for them, and made all of their coffees and never asked for any help. She never worried that our beliefs differed, and showed genuine interest in other people's perspectives . She was really quite remarkable.
Every day, she would set her table for lunch, complete with tablecloth and napkins even if it was just "meals on wheels" or perhaps something my husband had cooked, and she sat at the table as if she was in a restaurant, and cleared everything away herself.
On the eve of the Millenium she asked Gez if he would loosen the top of a bottle of "babycham" for her because she intended to wake up at midnight, listen to the radio and "see" in the New year!
We spent a bit of every day together, and she would talk about the things she had heard on the news, and her thoughts on them.
She would ask me to describe things to her, like "What does that little lime tree at the end of the garden look like at the moment?" or "Are those snowdrops near the gate out yet"? I would describe them to her and she would say "OH yes! I remember when that tree looked just like that!"
She listened avidly to radio 4 and knew all about the World's condition. She once asked me to describe Sadam Hussain's face, and when I did, she said "Yes that's just how I envisaged him, an archetypal bully!"
The point is that because I was being asked to describe things all around me, it meant I had to LOOK and really think about what I was seeing, far more than I would normally have done. Amphyllis taught me to properly look, and actually see. It was a great lesson!
I thought about this because I was wondering how I would have described things to her now? what would she have made of the world? I could have told her about a large orange faced man who seems to hate everyone, of marches and banners, of sad faces and fear. I could have described children dying trying to get to a safe country, our miserable faces when we realised that Brexit was really going to happen! and her face no doubt would have matched our own!
She had been through two world wars, lost a brother in each, seen depressions and booms, been careful not to waste water or food had and given to every single charity that ever asked her to contribute. She loved this world and I think my world was a lot poorer for her passing, but I hope to be as mindful as she was of properly seeing everything that really matters.
Thanks Amphyllis I miss you!
Today would have been my son Nick's 49th birthday. He died when he was 19, and just 10 days before his 20th birthday..
The funny thing about birthdays, they seem to remind you more of the person who died, rather than the day that is generally called their "anniversary"
So today I am back in heartbroken mode.
I always wonder why people say "Happy Birthday" to the person who has died, it is not a happy event, to not be able to tease them about their age, their bald spots, their growing paunch! it is not happy to think of all the birthdays he has missed, not just his own, but his brothers and sisters, nephews and niece, and of course mine.It is not happy to know he won't be eating cake or getting drunk.
I remember thinking just before Nick died that it would soon be his birthday, and I was busy as usual worrying about how to "rob Peter to pay Paul" as I had often had to do when birthdays came around, I had very little money back then, in fact I had none most of the time. My ex husband had left me and six kids with no money to fend for ourselves, and although we did survive, there was never enough to go round, let alone have luxuries, but somehow we managed birthdays.
I remember on my fortieth birthday the kids had a "surprise party" for me, and Nick had bought me a big bag of all sorts of exotic fruits, pineapple kiwis, and things like that! He said he couldn't think of anything else "special" that he could afford! That is a very special memory, one of many.
I remember the night he was born, 1 - 0 clock in the morning, and it was cold and rainy. I remember lying in my bed in the ward after he was born and thinking "I have a little boy", It felt really strange, I knew nothing of little boys, and not much about little girls for that matter!
He didn't have much materially in his life, but was so rich in many ways. He actually left me so much, more than he ever knew, and I am grateful for the time I had with him.
I would swap every birthday present I ever had, every Christmas present, everything I have ever owned, every moment we argued just to have him for a minute here with me today, on his birthday.
So today is not a happy day, for me or for him ,or his brothers and sisters. We all miss him still.
My other children keep him very much alive, in a smile that is so like his, a mannerism, and one of his funny sayings. His friends and the girl he loved still keep him with us by staying in touch and laughing about their teenage antics. I guess they are all middle aged family people now, but still teenagers in my mind!
So I won't say "Happy Birthday Nick" , but I will say how much "I love you, I am proud of you and I miss you more every birthday that comes around"
This time of year I get a bit nostalgic, (another name for bit maudlin!) I think a bit too much, I dwell on the past and get a bit (actually very) emotional. I tell myself all year that I won't, that I hate all that stuff and every year I do it and hate the stuff even more!
I am particularly dwelling on my "trip"(hating the J word!) of the last six years, and how complicated it all gets, and how much easier it is to keep things simple!
I am thinking of where I have learned my most useful lessons and how easy it is to forget those simple truths.
The best things I have ever had given to me have been the "wisdoms" from other addicts, just trying to do their best, put one foot in front of the other and do the next right thing. It almost makes me cry just writing that sentence.
Now it is not easy to be an atheist in AA or NA! But after 40 years I can attest to the fact that it is quite possible! If you really want to get well and stay well, then you have to read between the lines, to dump the talk of god or spiritual "higher powers" and look at the very essence of the message, which whatever way you look at it is very sound. I do NOT believe in god or any supernatural power, neither do I think the "universe" is looking out for me! I do, however believe in human beings! In their honesty and integrity, their overwhelming humility, their need to "make amends" and their honest desire to help others. I also can feel a refuge in some Buddhist practice.
I have heard many wise words from many people, but none as powerful as witnessing someone who has royally fucked up their life, picked up the shattered pieces and with humility and by their simple actions, turned it around for themselves and those around them. I wouldn't swap their wisdom or humour for all the wise words of academia. And even today when I am feeling like shit, hating my inadequacies and fears I know I would get a warm hug, a bloody awful cup of coffee, but something like unconditional love if I sought out the right company!
Why do I make things so complicated? because I am a human being, with frailties and damage.
I hate the struggle, but I also do know that this will pass!
I haven't blogged for a while, largely because I have been unwell, but also because I tend to wait until something moves me, or pisses me off enough to run screaming to the computer!
What pissed me off recently was a dreadful experience I had with the "private" medical world leaving me feeling vulnerable and fearful.
I had a worrying MRI scan of my back and my doctor said I needed to be referred to a neuro-surgeon. She said that at present they have an "arrangement" with the Nuffield private hospital which meant that she could refer me there to a neuro surgeon "Mr.Choksey", who would see me as a NHS patient.
As it happens, when I tried to arrange it all, it turned out not to be as straightforward as she had thought, and rather than start the whole procedure again, I decided to pay for the consultation.To see what I was dealing with and what my options were.
It was awful! This man was arrogant, condescending, and examined me as if I was a piece of meat . He told me I needed spinal surgery "As a matter of urgency" and it would need to be performed within the next day or two!
It felt like a bad dream, a real shock.
He then asked if I had medical insurance, which I haven't, and then said "Well I will have to refer you back to the NHS service -If you want to risk infection"!
Gez, who was with me was a bit panicked and said "Hang on a moment are you saying that my wife is MORE likely to get an infection if she goes into the NHS hospital?"
"Oh yes" said the surgeon "In fact that is why I left the NHS! , but they won't tell you that they will LIE to you!"
How much would the operation be privately? £15,000 , Quite out of the question for us!
When he realised we weren't going to pay for the operation, he very quickly added "Well if you go and see them, they may not agree with me of course"
It felt like he was touting for business, and had very little regard for the fact that he had now frightened an already very worried patient into thinking that where he was sending me was unsafe!
I was then charged with going straight to A&E in Coventry, where indeed they did disagree, thought that although the operation needs doing, it certainly was not THAT urgent.
They were professional empathic and KIND!
Now I have always been an absolute admirer of our health service, it has always been a beacon of integrity in my lifetime, and free to all patients! Which is so much more than people in many other countries have at their disposal.
Most of these surgeons have had their education free of charge too!
We do take it for granted, as with everything that has always been free, but every now and again something happens that makes us appreciate what we have.
There is also a perception that because we have free medical care, that it is somehow inferior, when of course that is absolutely not true.
Yes, there may be blips with administration, communication sometimes, but when it comes to illness, I have always found the care is second to none. I for one will add my name to anything that will protect it!
(I am not looking forward to this operation though!!)
I haven't blogged for a while, largely because I have been unwell, but also because I tend to wait until something moves me, or pisses me off enough to run screaming to the computer!
What pissed me off recently was a dreadful experience I had with the "private" medical world leaving me feeling vulnerable and fearful.
I had a worrying MRI scan of my back and my doctor said I needed to be referred to a neuro-surgeon. She said that at present they have an "arrangement" with the Nuffield private hospital which meant that she could refer me there to a neuro surgeon "Mr.Choksey", who would see me as a NHS patient.
As it happens, when tried to arrange it all, it turned out not to be as straightforward as she had thought, and rather than start the whole procedure again, I decided to pay for the consultation.To see what I was dealing with and what my options were.
It was awful! This man was arrogant, condescending, and examined me as if I was a piece of meat . He told me I needed spinal surgery "As a matter of urgency" and it would need to be performed within the next day or two!
It felt like a bad dream, a real shock.
He then asked if I had medical insurance, which I haven't, and then said "Well I will have to refer you back to the NHS service -If you want to risk infection"!
Gez, who was with me was a bit panicked and said "Hang on a moment are you saying that my wife is MORE likely to get an infection if she goes into the NHS hospital?"
"Oh yes" said the surgeon "In fact that is why I left the NHS! , but they won't tell you that they will LIE to you!"
How much would the operation be privately? £15,000 , Quite out of the question for us!
When he realised we weren't going to pay for the operation, he very quickly added "Well if you go and see them, they may not agree with me of course"
It felt like he was touting for business, and had very little regard for the fact that he had now frightened an already very worried patient into thinking that where he was sending me was unsafe!
I was then charged with going straight to A&E in Coventry, where indeed they did disagree, thought that although the operation needs doing, it certainly was not THAT urgent.
They were professional empathic and KIND!
Now I have always been an absolute admirer of our health service, it has always been a beacon of integrity in my lifetime, and free to all patients! Which is so much more than people in many other countries have at their disposal.
Most of these surgeons have had their education free of charge too!
We do take it for granted, as with everything that has always been free, but every now and again something happens that makes us appreciate what we have.
There is also a perception that because we have free medical care, that it is somehow inferior, when of course that is absolutely not true.
Yes, there may be blips with administration, communication sometimes, but when it comes to illness, I have always found the care is second to none. I for one will add my name to anything that will protect it!
(I am not looking forward to this operation though!!)
