The older I get, the more into recovery I get, the more I am aware of one very striking fact! That is that the ONLY way to survive with dignity and self respect is to learn the tools for SELF empowerment!   Nobody is going to do it for me!
I am sick and tired of hearing survivors talked about as "victims"
 I am sick and tired of them being patronised and condescended to!
I  am sick and tired of people changing the way they look at us when the facts of our abuses becomes known, fed up with pity and embarrassed silences.
 This  is nobody's fault, they can not be expected to actually know how it feels, they cannot be expected to know what we need. BUT I know, and it is down to me to make sure I get it right .
I am a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, I am neither ashamed or proud of that, it is simply a fact! AA saved my life, and although I find some of it's  concepts unpalatable, I have none the less been grateful for the real support of fellow addicts, they alone know what it is like, and they alone know that recovery is OUR responsibility.
Over the years I have taught many people who work as professionals in this field, and many of them are very kind thoughtful individuals. But many of their organisations are useless! They fight   simply for their own  existance, and rarely have a lot of understanding about recovery. That is not their agenda. The only real recovery I have come across in 35 years working in this profession  has been for those who have taken responsibility for their OWN  recovery, asking only the help of those who have gone before. We are survivors! We have been able to tap into that powerful survival instinct and overcome enormous odds.
One of the trtaditions of AA is that"AA should remain forever unprofessional" another is that "AA should ALWAYS be self supporting, declining all outside offers of help, lest  issues of money and prestige should divert us from our primary purpose" 
Often the organisations who are paid to work in this field are simply exploiting the situation.
And now I am seeing the same exploitation  with survivors of Catholic Clergy abuse, organisations are springing up -being paid for what they see as their "expertise". Patronising ,and disempowering people further, and becoming entities who fight only for their own existance, with no real understanding of the needs of the survivor. They become secreteive and competitive, with survivors almost being fought over! This is NOT recovery!
Why the hell would  I want to be a "victim" ?Why the hell would I want to be seen as "needy" and unable to function? Why wouold I  give my power away, yet again, to any  organisation who may abuse me further?  How can I find self respect and dignity that way? I am a SURVIVOR! I have tapped into that instinct once and recovered to tell the tale! Most of my inspiration comes from other brave and dignified survivors.
This is why at Survivors Voice we are self funded! and we support our fellow survivors because we LOVE them! and because we know that we will all benefit from each person who recovers.
We may have projects which require support, like our book translations or annual events,and we are grateful for the honourable compassionate people who help.
 But helping each other? that is an act of LOVE. This seems to be a concept that is being forgotten. And only we can do it, only we can know how to become whole.'
So I for one am not a great lover of "organisations" certainly not the kind that expect to be paid for their compassion or those who accept large donations from "interested" others. I do not approve of receiving any funding from the church, they have no right to use us to try and assuage their guilt. They should absolutely pay, but that should be in order to make proper amends to each survivor.They should have no part in anyone's healing, they have forfeited that right.
When I hear the churtch yet again say they are "willing" to meet with "victims" It makes me wild!
They CANNOT dictate the terms of anyones recovery! They are the last people to know how to do that!  
Recovery has to be on MY terms! So they can stick their sympathy, stick their prayers, and stick their narcissistic attitude. actually, if I believed in Hell , I would suggest they go there!!

And for my beatiful Italian friends!

Sono appena tornata da Verona, dove si è svolto il raduno annuale di Survivors Voice Europe delle vittime di abusi sessuali del clero, insieme ai nostri amici e compagni sopravvissuti dell'Istituto per sordi Provolo di Verona.

E' raro che noi inglesi ci stupiamo per il ​​tempo! Trascorriamo la maggior parte della nostra vita a piagnucolare sul clima! si tratta di un passatempo nazionale. E siamo abituati al fatto che appuntamenti ed eventi siamo cancellati per via del tempo. "La pioggia ha fermato il gioco" è un grido comune nei mesi estivi.

Quello che non ci aspettavamo accadesse a Verona, tuttavia, era che, mentre marciavamo, la temperatura avrebbe raggiunto la cifra sbalorditiva di 40 gradi ed era in realtà il sole che ha fermato molti di noi nel nostro cammino!

Io per esempio ero piuttosto "sopraffatta" e non credevo che sarei riuscita ad arrivare in fondo, sono riuscita a stare in piedi quasi fino alla fine, ma poi mi sono sentita male e ho dovuto gettare la spugna!  Deludente a dir poco, perché avevamo pianificato questo evento per così tanto tempo, e avevo intenzione di parlare un po' di più alla manifestazione. Come si e' visto, sono riuscita a pronunciare poche parole incomprensibili prima di crollare e di dover essere portata a casa, esausta e bruciata!

Non ho avuto la possibilità di dire le parole che avevo preparato, il motivo per cui eravamo cosi' contenti di essere di nuovo tutti insieme, e il motivo per cui d'ora in poi il nostro incontro annuale sara' a Verona. Stiamo girando le spalle a Roma, più o meno nello stesso modo in cui Roma (o almeno il Vaticano) ha voltato le spalle ai sopravvissuti! Questo è quello che volevo dire!

  

Siamo così felici di essere qui a Verona. Che città meravigliosa, ricca di storia e molto bella.

Ma qui, in questa bellezza, la Chiesa cattolica ha portato bruttezza, - bruttezza nella forma dei suoi preti pedofili che hanno agito indisturbati per anni, ignobilmente abusando dei bambini sordi e con disturbi del linguaggio, che avrebbero dovuto essere nella loro cura. La bruttezza nella forma delle smentite, bugie e coperture e ulteriori abusi di quei sopravvissuti.

E' la stessa brutta storia ovunque. Inghilterra, Irlanda, Olanda, Stati Uniti, Germania, Colombia, Australia, non c'è Paese che non sia stato visitato da questa bruttezza. Ovunque nel mondo in cui la chiesa esiste, questa bruttezza esiste con essa, con i suoi preti pedofili e le persone che coprono i loro crimini. La loro bruttezza è stata in tutto il mondo, il loro inquinamento e' stato monumentale.

Ma il tempo sta per scadere per questi brutti criminali e per la chiesa che li genera. Persone coraggiose stanno unendo le forze, come facciamo noi oggi per dire BASTA! e finalmente c'è un barlume di speranza che persone ragionevoli e oneste siano in ascolto!

  In America due settimane fa un monsignore è stato trovato colpevole di cinque capi d'accusa di messa in pericolo di bambini, non era lui stesso un pedofilo, ma è stato responsabile per lo spostamento di noti sacerdoti pedofili di parrocchia in parrocchia senza divulgare le loro attivita': potrebbe essere condannato a dodici anni di carcere. In Inghilterra Lunedi sarà promulgata una legge che stabilisce che chiunque sia trovato colpevole di coprire o non denunciare qualsiasi tipo di abuso di bambini sarà perseguito, - e giustamente, poiche' ugualmente colpevole.

Il mondo sta finalmente arrivando a questi criminali, ed era ora.

Oggi è meraviglioso essere con cosi' tanti coraggiosi e composti sopravvissuti, è per questo che noi di Survivors Voice Europe siamo qui: per festeggiare le nostre vite salvate, salvate nonostante la Chiesa - non grazie ad essa. Noi siamo qui a gioire del fatto che ci siamo trovati, che non siamo più isolati, e queste connessioni ci rendono forti!

  Siamo determinati a portare il nostro raduno annuale qui, a voltare le spalle a Roma nello stesso modo in cui il Vaticano ci ha voltato le spalle, questa bella città di Verona diventera' sinonimo di sopravvivenza dall'abuso sessuale dei bambini da parte del clero cattolico, e il punto focale della nostra causa per il resto del mondo.

Lo faremo per onorare i nostri amici, i sopravvissuti coraggiosi del famigerato Istituto Provolo che sono diventati un punto di riferimento per tutti gli altri sopravvissuti in tutto il mondo.

Liberiamoci delle brutture e ripristiniamo un po' della bellezza!

E noi diciamo all'Italia, famosa per il suo amore per i bambini e la famiglia, che è il tuo turno di unirti al resto del mondo nel dire BASTA!

 BASTA! Italia BASTA!

Third Annual Gathering os Survivors of catholic clergy sexual abuse Verona 2012

Just back from Verona, where we held the Survivors Voice Europe  annual gathering of Survivors of  catholic clergy chlid sexual abuse , along with our friends and fellow survivors of the Provolo Institute for the deaf in Verona.

It is rare that we English are amazed at the weather! We spend most of our lives whinging about it!  It is a national pastime!  And we are no strangers to occasions being cancelled because of it . “Rain stopped play” is a common cry in England the Summer months.

What we did not expect to happen in Verona, however,  was that as we marched, the temperature would reach a staggering 40 degrees and it was actually  the Sun that stopped many of us in our tracks! 

I for one, was quite “overwhelmed” and didn’t think I would last the duration, I managed almost to the end, but then became a bit ill and had to throw in the towel! Disappointing to say the least,  because we had planned for this event for so long, and I had planned to speak a little longer at the rally. As it happened, I managed a few garbled words before collapsing, having to be taken home, exhausted, and burned! 

I didn’t get the chance to say the words I had planned, the reason why we were so pleased to be all together again, and why annually our gathering would in future be in Verona. (preferably when it is cooler!) We are turning our backs on Rome, pretty much in the same way that Rome (or at least the vatican)  turns it’s back on survivors! This is what I had planned to say!

  

We are so happy to be here in Verona. What a wonderful town, full of history and very ,very, beautiful. 

But here , into this  beauty,  the catholic church has brought ugliness,- ugliness in the shape of their pedophile priests who ran riot for years, appallingly abusing the deaf and speech impaired children who were supposed to be in their care. Ugliness in the shape of the  denials ,lies, and cover ups and further abuses of those survivors.

It is the same ugly  story everywhere. England, Ireland USA Holland Germany, Colombia, Australia, there isn’t a country that  hasn’t been visited by this ugliness.

 Everywhere in the world where the church exists, there exists along with it , their pedophile priests and the people who cover up their crimes. Their  ugliness has been worldwide, the pollution monumental.

  But time is running out for  these ugly criminals and the church that spawns them. Brave people are standing together , as we do today ,to say ENOUGH! and at last there is a glimmer of hope that thinking,  honourable people are listening!

  In America two weeks ago a monsignor has been found guilty of five counts of child endangerment , he was not a perpetrator, but he was responsible for moving known pedophile offending priests from parish to parish, without divulging their activities - he could face twelve years in jail.

 In England on Monday there will be a law passed which states that anyone found to cover up or not report any kind of child abuse will be prosecuted,-  rightly so, they are equally culpable.

The World is closing in on these criminals and NOT before time.

Today it is wonderful to be with so many brave and dignified survivors, this  is why we of Survivors Voice Europe are here, to celebrate our own  saved lives, saved despite the church - not because of it. We are here to rejoice in the fact  that we have found each other, no longer isolated,  and those  connections make us strong! 

  We are determined that bringing our annual gathering here , turning our back on Rome in the same way as the vatican has turned it’s back on us, this  beautiful city of Verona will from now on become synonymous with survival of catholic clergy sexual abuse of children, and the spotlight on our cause for the rest of the World. 

We will do this to honour of our friends , the  brave survivors of the notorious Provolo Institute who have become a beacon for all other survivors worldwide.    

Lets get rid of the ugliness and restore some of the  beauty. 

And we say to Italy , famous for it’s  love of children and family, that it is your turn to join with the rest of the world in saying ENOUGH!

 BASTA ! Italia  BASTA!

Well it seems that the pope thinks that it is a "mystery" why  catholic clergy sexually abused children for centuries, "undermining the church"!!!! 
Well let me enlighten him !
There is NO  mystery why pedophiles abuse children, -that is what they do!
There is NO mystery why they enter the priesthood- that is where they are safe!
There is No mystery why they are safe- they are joining a narcissistic regime whish see itself as inviolate, infallable, and untouchable by any laws.
It is NO mystery why they have got away with it for years- the pope and his minions see it as their prime objective to make sure they do not get punished.
It is NO mystery why everyone is disgusted with you- they are fed up with being fed lies and witnessing appalling cover ups.
They is NO mystery why the churches numbers are down- your sheep are now getting wise to your dishonesty, greed and subjugation of human beings.
There is NO mystery why your conspiracy of silence is getting on everyones nerves- the world is smaller now, lots of communications, you can no longer target isolated communities safe in the knowlege that they will not be able to talk to each other.
There is certainly NO  mystery why survivors are getting stronger and more verbal- they are standing together after years of being afraid of you, and of being further abused.
There is NO  mystery why you are not welcome in the countries you deign to visit in your aptly named plane "Shepherd 1".
There is NO  mystery why those countries expect your criminals to adhere to the laws of the land, and not your man made canon law.
There is NO mystery why children who are abused by you and have suffered the worst betrayal of body and trust want an end to THEIR suffering.
What is a bloody mystery is why the hell anyone still listens to a word you say!
And it is a bloody  mystery why you are not in jail!

A Warm Blanket

Today had a strange start, I began my day by speaking on Radio Foyle in Ireland about the obseqeous apology of Sean Brady.They asked me if I could not now give Brady some "credit" for now "doing the right thing"the answer of course was that I did NOT. He only made his snivelling excuses after being in a huddle for days with advisors and spin doctors, for no other reason than to save his own miserable skin. With the audacity that we now have come to expect from these creeps, he as usual tried to turn the "admission" of his crimes into some kind of virtue! I marvel at their arrogance! Then in true fashion he tried to "victimise"  himself because the abused man in question did not want to see him, to be used as a prop for his PR stunt, being further abused in the process. Typically,  they managed to suggest that the fault therefore lay with the victim of the abuses. How strange is it that if a damaged destroyed person does not want to play the vatican's game of charades, then he is the bete  noir!
I reflected on it as I continued my day, and I was thinking about how I had been asked "what COULD they do?"
All I can say is that when I was in Rome two years ago, it was the weekend that the Chilean miners were rescued frrom the ground. We all rejoiced along with everyone else, as we watched them being gently lifted from their tunnel and show their relief.
I remember when I finally was able to talk about my own abuses at last, in my naivity all I really wanted was for someone to gently lift me out of my nightmare, wrap a warm blanket around me and say "there there you are safe now" It didn't happen, and I was further desolate.
I created my own blanket, but it is never quite the same.
Then I met me wonderful people who restored my faith in humanity. Atheists, Humanists, Secularists who showed me compassion and respect, not because an invisible puppet master would punish them if they didn't, and not because thay felt "pity" for me and to do so made them feel sanctimonious, but just because they are altruistic human beings and felt it was the right thing.After feeling my whole life like an outcast I finally was able to take a place as a part of the World.
I can honestly say I have never received any sort of kindness from anybody of "faith" NEVER!
 So today was a good one, it allowed me to think again about what I maybe can do to help and ther is not always that much, but it would be privelege  to be a small part of that warm blanket for someone else, and share their relief as they emerge from that tunnel of despair.
And look forward to celebrating again, our lives saved against all the odds and despite the church, never because of them, when we all meet up in Verona!

Poor Brady "didn't understand"!!!!

Well ! I have heard many things as I see the catholic heirarchy squirm under the weight of their disgusting crimes.I have heard many excuses and many obsequeous snivelling comments. But I have to say that this on takes some beating!! 
Brady "didn't understand" the impact that childhood clergy abuse had on children"! WHAT!
He didn't "understand" that for a child to be raped by a clergyma, that they have been told is next to god, and should ALWAYS be obeyed,had  such an  impact! WHAT!!!
He didn't "understand" that a child having been raped, and sodomised, and threatened, and silenced - when that child has been taught from birth that even to look at your own body, or to touch it (shock horror!) was a "sin" to be "confessed" (in my case to the priest who raped me!) He didn't "understand" that being abused and damaged so badly would destroy any chance of a normal decent life for that child? he didn't "understand" why people who could not bear the shame of having been raped by a priest turned to alcohol , drugs, self harm, even suicide? He didn't"understand" that raping a child is the worst betrayal of body and trust? He didn't "understand" that clergy abuse causes permanent brain damage, and the ripple  effects of it further damage families, and last through generations.WHAT!!!
And HE  feels  BETRAYED?????
I am very much afraid you are going to understand Brady!
How dare you! How FUCKING dare you!!!


http://clericalwhispers.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/i-didnt-realise-impact-of-child-abuse.html

Brady needs flogging!

So the documentary about Irish clergy abuse finally aired last night. And once again, we are appalled to  the same old- same old- depraved abuses, lies and cover ups, damaged children, ruined lives, smug narcisstic cardinals and bishops. You have to hand it to the catholic church, their  audacity  in the face of the most damning evidence, right in the middle of the World's worst abuse scandals in history, implicated in abuse, secrecy, threats , victim blame, lies, cover ups and even castrations! They still put on a false beatific face and hand out moral dictates to all and sundry! Whyt a show!
Hypocracy, actively promoting homophobia, subjugating woman and  abusing children, are not the acts of any "spiritual" organisation that can possibly hope to ever influence human beings again.
They are calling for Sean Brady's resignation, and rightly so- I would call for also his public flogging and humiliation and a very  long long stay in jail!  But after all, even he is just a puppet, he probably will fall on his sword at some point to deflect from the bigger criminals in the vatican.
When will ordinary decnt catholics stand and be counted? Are you all the same? Just like  every SS officer in the last war who stood by and watched their "superiors" commit atrocities? Can you honestly say that the face of a dysfunctional and narcisstic regime like the vatican is more important than all those human beings destroyed by them? Standing by and watching criminals get away with such shocking behaviour is tantamount to collusion and condoning.  SHAME ON YOU ALL!
In the mean time our love to,  and our admiration for the brave damaged people who bore  their souls and showed their wounds, brave and dignified in the face of the most appaling betrayals .AGAIN!