Be very careful in the World of survivors!

As  we begin  our fight back, the  survivor needs to consider many things, not least the World we  are entering!

The world of the clergy abuse survivors is  not a particularly pretty world! 

It is an ugly subject, one that most  people would prefer not to have to think or talk about, including me! 

It is, however, even more ugly if we don’t talk about it.

You will find there are many  who like to “speak for us” as if we are incapable of doing that ourselves. Those who want to report about the Tsunami who were never even there! 

We are not  goldfish in a bowl to be  stared at ,observed and anylised. We are human beings who have suffered the worst betrayal of body and trust and deserve the best  chance to be  as whole as possible. We need to learn to make  our own decisions about our recovery, and harness that special survivor power we no doubt possess.

In the clergy survivor  movement, there are ,many different people, Rather like those who were in that Tsunami, there were saints and sinners, rescuers and looters,  heroes and villains. People who did survive, those that did not. The only thing they had in common was that they were, in some capacity or other, part of the disaster.

Similarly, in this world of clergy abuse survivors  there are many occupants, strong survivors, damaged victims, many with physical illnesses, there is narcissism, grandiosity and subservience, plenty of mistrust and even paranoia,  the mentally ill ,the addicts, the abusers, the prisoners.. and  all of it clothed in secrecy  and shame.

There are those too, who hover around the periphery of  this world, the condescending, the patronising,the exploitative, but   also, thankfully , the thoughtful, the  respectful, and compassionate.

There are  “career” survivors, the therapists (good and bad!) the lawyers (ditto!)  The people who want to use this cause to further their political careers, in fact there is a positive cottage industry having been created around this tragedy!

Each one of us has to find our own “niche” the place which sits best with our own sensibilities. There are many who make a real difference , as there are many valid  perspectives.

We all make a contribution, and they are all different.

So it is not really helpful to criticise other’s contributions.

But as an “endangered”  damaged individual fighting to survive and thrive, I have had to  learn to discriminate between what is really good for my recovery, and what is simply good for someone else!

 I feel that as a survivor I have to control my own recovery, I may draw on others to help,  we have some wonderful supporters,  but they can only ever be that -  a supporting act!

At survivors Voice Europe we put the Survivor FIRST- we are not interested in expediency or politics, we don’t want money, we won’t accept funding from any organisation(although some kind individuals have insisted on giving to us!)

Anything we are given is put towards  funding one of our projects , which directly support survivors, we will not take any money for administration or travel, we are not career survivors, we see our contribution as a labour of LOVE!

We will refuse any contribution from the church or similar organisation, (tending to suspect they have  their own agendas!) and  we will not any longer jump to anyone’s tune!

We will never recommend anything to any other survivor that we don’t feel we would accept ourselves, and we would expect any ethical, honourable lawyer, therapist, support group, to be open to intense scrutiny! So we will use all our resources  to  investigate thoroughly  anyone who wants to part of this movement, to ensure any exploitation is squashed. 

Our focus is,  and will remain  the individual who has been damaged, how we can connect with each of them, and what we can do to help. We share any skills we have learned freely and with love.

We are not predominantly fighters, although we will get into a fight against the church and other abusers when necessary,( in fact nothing makes my  blood boil more than seeing the further abuse by an unfeeling church.)

But our energies are best used in  helping with the empowerment of each survivor to enable them  to be at their  optimum  as they go forward and begin to soar above those foul abusers.

We are Survivors, not victims, we don’t need to be pitied or patronised. But we do need, and expect, justice.

 We have survived thus far, and retained our dignity,  largely through our own  survival skills, and we resolve to continue to develop  those skills for ourselves and others.

 We all had control of our lives taken away once, we need to take great care never to be in that position again!

There is more to this than SEX!

I am constantly  asked again to "tell my story" - to go over again the details of my abuses. 

Of course that is no more than I expect , when I decided to stand and be counted in this fight against childhood clergy abuse, in order to help others come forward, I knew I would probably have to repeat those sordid details over and over. 

I accepted that as part of what would happen, and somewhat inevitable. 

But I  have to say, again , that childhood clergy abuse is not just about sex ! - it is about POWER- the subjugation of another human being,regardless of where they are in the world.

Although the geography and the details of each one of us survivors may be different , the pain and degradation and the dis-empowerment are  the same.

If we constantly get bogged down in the physical Minutiae of who did what to who, we are nearly always missing the point.

And lets face it, this is exactly what these wretched clergy abusers want, they probably even still get off on hearing it all again! 

It is not particularly pleasant  to know that because I have spoken out so often about this, I am well  known only for having been raped! 

But it is inevitable ,I guess,that if I talk about it, then others immediately have that  image in their head, and once in there, that image  won't come out, that particular Genie is out of the bottle.

But we must keep on highlighting  the true nature of clergy abuse. 

We are now able to show, very clearly,  how the damage to the child is far greater than the violent “sexual acts” of greedy pedophiles, far greater than the emotional,mental, spiritual tramas that follow,the loss of self worth, the disruption of educatrion, the loss of potential etc.

Greater even, than the further abuse from a church that sees us as collateral damage, in it’s pathetic attempt to save face.

Science can now shine a spotlight on the real severity of abuse,  the permanent physical damage to the brain,to the immune and metabolic systems and the further implications of shortened life expectancy!It shows that damage , even at the level of DNA, can be passed on to the next generation, and the one after that!

In one such interview recently, I was then asked if “I hated the catholic church”?didn't I think that it "hurt" ordinary catholics? 

Those kinds of questions, especially from the media, (like the one  I was asked at Easter why we weren’t “turning the other cheek”?) are, I am quite sure,   bait and  designed to make us feel guilty, like we are the ones who are wrong! And I  won’t take their bait.

  

But I will say this:

 I  know that nothing is ever an isolated incident, everything has a cause and affect, and often there are many   combined circumstances before a catastrophe occurs.

 Wars, for example, are  rarely about one issue, they are often sparked off by one thing ,after years of simmering frustration and rage. 

Nothing will occur without the right conditions.The catholic church creates those conditions.

We are not clones, we are each a unique individual, but most of us have one thing in common, we were in the wrong place at the wrong time,  isolated , and picked off by a greedy catholic priest predator. 

So  it is impossible to talk about childhood clergy abuses without  discussing the environment in which they occurred.

The catholic environment was (and is) very much part of the problem, and provided (and still provides) a breeding ground for abuse.

It is impossible , even, to talk about childhood clergy abuse  without also talking about the catholic indoctrination of children, the culture of fear and guilt, the distorted view of sexuality,  the deification of clergy and the narcissism of the church itself. 

It is like a giant Petrie dish!

They make demi-gods out of inadequates and then protect them when they commit their atrocities.

So in speaking of  this, it is somehow inevitable  for people to be hurt. This is not my intention, nor do I attach any blame to individual catholics, they are  a product of their own upbringing and deluded by a religion based on fear and retribution.  A Church that relies on it’s “flock” to adore it’s clergy, and keep their mouths shut. 

It is their secrets that keep them sick. 

Unsung Heros

Today is my husband’s 66th birthday!  Happy Birthday Gez!

Of course he won’t read this, but none the less I want to say thankyou to an unsung hero!

We often forget the people who help sustain us as we go about our ”survivor” business! 

But Gez has been the main rock throughout the time he has had the misfortune to be with me! I am quite sure I would not have survived without him.

He did not have an easy job, when we met thirty years ago, I was a 36 year old single Mother of six children! I had been divorced from my first violent husband for four years and was busy trying to bring up my family and survive.

I had quite a history!

When we first met and he asked me out, he suggested we went out for a drink. Well of course I DON”T drink, having been a recovered alcoholic then  for quite a few years.

At the time, I didn’t feel the need to explain that to him, it was not his business, but he was bemused by my lime and soda (with ice and no lemon!).

Gradually though, we began to get emotionally involved, ( that is grown up speak for falling madly in love.) 

I decided that my past was  too big a secret between us , and I should not carry on allowing this man to love me, without being aware of the baggage I carried!

So one night I sat him down and with absolute trepidation,I spent three hours telling him all !

All the violence, the drinking, the drug taking ( and I think i really laid that on so this man really had NO illusions!)

He sat there and listened his face very serious, and I thought it was all going to be too much for him! 

But after a few moments when I had finished, he just looked at me and said

“Thank fuck for that, I thought you were going to tell me you were gay!)

After that his life was not easy!

He inherited me (with all my ad stuff!)  and six children all very “personable” and he had never been married before, having escaped from many a “near miss”

We “went out” for a couple of years and then decided to move in together.

 It was scary, I was still fighting with the indoctrination from  the church, and had not yet managed to get quite out of it, I was rather like a dog wagging it’s tail pathetically at it’s wicked cruel owner, because it is the only “pack” it knows.

That guilt and fear goes in young, and goes in deep, and takes years to get rid of.

I imagined a thunderbolt would strike me down any time!

Shortly after we moved in to our house, my beautiful older son was killed in a car crash, and it broke my heart. (My sick, catholic Mother told someone that god thought he would go off the rails and so spared him- I never forgave her that comment)

Two months later, my next son,who was in the army, was injured in conflict, two months after that  I had an emergency hysterectomy.

Gez must have thought he had made the biggest mistake of his life!

But  he continued being the rock that kept us all together.

We got married.

My mother didn’t come, and  with her surperstitious, sick ,  attitude brought on by her obsession with her  delusional catholic religion, she refused to acknowlege our marriage. 

(no doubt they were all praying for me to die which was their usual habit when someone goes against their doctrine.)

And so life went on, never quiet, never easy, sometimes sad and painful. And all the time Gez was there holding me up.

When I  decided to address  the clergy abuse, I first asked him if he would be embarrassed if I spoke out about it, and he,  as always, amazed me by saying:

 “You absolutely MUST do it, you have to help stop those bastards”

He came to Rome with me, the first time I went, and intending just to be on the sidelines to make sure I was safe. But when he heard  other survivor’s stories,  he was heartbroken too, and we both cried for a fortnight!

He was there to witness Lombardi’s  squirming and waffling in the vatican, and has been there to witness the lies and deceits they churn out regularly ever since.

He continues to be my rock, and  despite me flying off all over the place, he supports and encourages me while prefferring to stay  in the background. 

He welcomes my survivor "family" 

He is a superb artist, a brilliant drummer, a fabulous cook, a great stepfather and husband, and I count myself so lucky that he has stuck with me despite how hard it must have been. 

I have met many “significant others” of survivors, and they are a very special breed!

It must be heartbreaking to hear what has happened to someone you love, and to have witnessed  our mood changes, and our sometimes despair.

Ton’s beautiful wife Paola , Gary’s beautiful wife Julie, I wish every survivor could have a similar “rock”. 

Although Gez  has eventually conceded to having a  computer, he  doesn’t have anything like a  facebook page,so he won’t hear these words about him!

 He s a bit of a technophobe , he even  loses every mobile phone he gets!

As he  is  getting older, he is often grumpy and stubborn,  but  he is  still quite wonderful! 

I hope we make his birthday a really happy one, and continue to count our “blessings” that he came into our lives.

Happy Birthday Gez XX

Predatory Chlidren???

When asked to comment  on the radio about the Barrister and Judge who yesterday decided to give a pedophile a suspended sentence because the thirteen year old girl he abused was “predatory” my first inclination was not to answer. It seemed like a stupid question to ask me, almost offensive to imagine there could be ANY comment apart from to express disgust. 

Usually when the media ask us to comment it is because they sniff some kind of controversy,usually  they have got someone already lined up who they know you will absolutely disagree with, and so expect to see a spat. 

This time, I couldn’t imagine they could find anyone who didn’t think these legal idiots were completely stupid. But they did! 

Imagine hearing somebody say “She asked for it” “These girls dress provocatively and give the wrong signals.” “She led him on”!!

What an ignorant bloody idiot they managed to find! I didn’t do the radio interview, because I wasn’t free at the time they wanted o talk to me, but I do hope somebody else put him straight! (or put him in a straight jacket!) They said they like to “offer a BALANCED viewpoint” They succeeded in showing an “unbalanced” moron.

A Thirteen year old is a CHILD!

And the fact that she was “ inappropriately and overtly sexual” was , as everyone who has any understanding at all, a very clear indication that she was extremely vulnerable, very probably had been abused before, which would result in her lack of self respect, and a sitting target for this creature. 

And of course she was, because it is vulnerable children who are most at risk from these criminals. They prey on the vulnerable and isolated, and then do a  nice line in “victim blame”  

All of this horrendous story smacks of POWER ABUSE, not just the pedophile who abused the child, but the Barrister and Judge who made appalling these remarks and abused their own power by handing down a ridiculous and inadequate sentence to this man, simply because they could. 

There is NEVER an occasion when the  child victim is to blame for being abused.

There is NEVER any excuse for not giving the harshest sentence possible.

And there is NEVER a good enough reason to damage a child further by legal power abuse.

No wonder the Judge hid his face behind a newspaper when he drove away, he should be plastered all over it for this travesty!

Shame on the lot of them!

BBC Sunday morning "Live"

I was approached yesterday by the BBC.They wanted to  talk to me about going on a religious programme “live” on Sunday morning! (the mind boggles !)

The question was did I think organised religion was letting down the “faithful” ? Was it possible that the clergy were letting down their flock? 

POSSIBLE?

Could I Skype? Did I  have headphones? could I send  picture of myself in case they had to revert to a phone call? 

Needless to say,once they had talked to me ,and looked at our website,  they decided against my going on the programme! I am not in the least surprised! 

They wanted me to tell them what I thought was positive about the church? - I couldn’t think of one thing.

They wanted to know how I felt  about the “wonderful work” the church is doing in Africa, and South America, putting up schools and hospitals? - I told them we were extremely concerned and worried for the children in South America and Africa, where the church seems to be turning to harvest more prey,as they get more cornered here,  in countries where there is little policing. - I dread to think what we are going to hear from those countries once the scandals start to break there.(and they will!)

They asked me why we are so concerned with “historic” cases of abuse, surely this was no longer happening? 

-I told them that abuse was still rife in the catholic church, with new atrocities being unearthed almost daily, and that to us,  there is no such thing as a “historic” case of abuse , they  may very well be “historic” to the churches that would prefer them to go away, so they can  “draw a line” under them.

 But they are NOT historic to those of us who will carry the burden of abuse to our graves having carried them for decades.

 They are not “historic” to our children and their children who will inherit damage from our abuses because of damage done to our DNA and passed on to them!

To dismiss  to our abuses as “historic” is offensive.

 A crime is a crime, and the crime of clergy child abuse casts a shadow over generations.

They asked me if  I was an atheist? I told them -absolutely!

They asked if I had once been a catholic?- I told them unfortunately!

They asked when I left the church? -I told them that it had taken quite a long time to get away from the horrendous indoctrination, guilt and the fear of hell fire and damnation that I was fed from infancy, that it was a process rather than an event, I was hanging around on the periphery for a long time after my abuses, rather like a dog who has been cruelly beaten and starved, it will still wag it’s tail pathetically at it’s cruel owner when it sees him, either for a crumb, or with relief to not be being beaten,  because it simply doesn’t know any other pack!  I knew no other pack, until my recovery finally allowed my brain to function again and see the stark reality of the toxic and abusive regime.

They asked wether it was fair to judge a whole church because of a “few bad apples” ?

I told them that the “few” they are talking about runs into the thousands, and it was impossible to think about clergy child abuse without also looking at the toxic and dangerous distortion and abuse of power at the heart of the church environment which made it almost inevitable. 

When a boy is sent to a seminary and told he is “chosen” by god,  put on a pedestal and told he is “special” and above all others, when he is even told that his “hands are sacred”!!!  Then abuse of power is the inevitable result! 

Sexual abuse, rape, physical abuse and bullying is all about power! and the church is utterly narcissistic.

They rang and said they thought on this occasion that this was “too big a subject for this one programme” yeah right!

Now I had no desire to be on that  programme , contrary to what they may think, most of us really dislike going on the television, although I have done it a fair bit, and talked quite a lot to many different groups of people about this subject, it is still hard to think that I am known for the fact that I  was sexually abused! ( That is usually  the focus of these programmes)

 The inevitable image that people thereafter have in their head about me is hard to take, and having put that image there, it can’t be removed, the genie is out of the bottle.

But we do it because we have made a commitment  to be part of the fight, and to make it more possible for others to come forward. 

So we swallow our pride,forget about  dignity  and stand up to be counted.

If we are brave enough to  do that, it is a shame the TV hasn’t got the guts to show it.

But as one of my lawyer friends just remarked

“Well the BBC have always been a waste of space, there isn’t one of them with any balls”

Amen to that!